A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'll be 18 in a few months and whilst I've been somewhat intimate with a guy, I've never had sex. Partly because I'm waiting for the right guy and the right moment and partly because I'm just scared. Im not even sure what I'm scared of. The actual sex doesn't scare me, but I think it's about being so vulnerable in front of another person, it scares me half to death. I've never been that person. Who admits her true feelings and can tell them to another person etc. I've spent most of my life since becoming a teenager, being mentally alone; people have been there but I'll admit I've never really let them in. I'm only human so I do get 'needs' where I really want to have sex, and I've had opportunities, but they've never been quite right. Well actually there's that as well as all of my personal insecurities: will I be any good, will I be responsive, will it mean anything to him, will he be turned on by me, will I taste okay etc. Just really stupid things. I don't know when the time will come to lose my virginity but I want to get those fears out of my head and just live in the moment. Not sure what exactly I'm asking here anymore but any advice please? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 It is simple really you are not ready. I am pretty sure a lot of girls feel the same way you do. You need to wait until you are with someone who you trust, who you love and who you want to be with. Believe me you will change and learn to trust him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): First things first, good on you for waiting until you are ready. Too much emphasis is placed on people of your age either getting sex or waiting untill marriage. Waiting until you're ready yourself is the best thing you can do.Having said that, that might not make your first experience better! It will mean that you won't regret it. That sounds a bit negative, doesn't it- but once you've had sex, you'll understand.If your boyfriend is as willing to wait as you make it sound, then the first thing you need to know is: don't worry. I know that's easier said than done, though. So try to do a few things to help your worry. Is he a virgin? If so, then I'm pretty sure he'll be anxiuos too.Sex is fun and awkward and comfortable and strange all at the same time, but that's what makes it good. Every experience can be different and as you get older, you'll know that sometimes it can be good, bad, great, terrible or amazing. Those of us who have been having sex for a while now that, and it's ok! Being comfortable about sex with your boyfriend is the first important thing, and talking about it is the beginging to that.As it difficult at is sounds, the best thing is to talk with him about it. If he knows you're a virgin, he won't be offended or upset if you tell him you're worried, he will be happy helping you get over them. I understand that bringing up the conversation won't be easy, but once you start, it will be become easier. Maybe the question of if he is a virgin or not could be a good place to start.But know this- when it comes to the big day, there's not much you can do about how it will go. But the more comfortable about it you are in the first place, whatever happens will be good.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): I'm no psychologist but the parts "being vulnerable to a person" and "will I be any good?..." tell me that you are somewhat insecure. And about losing you virginity I can't tell you anything because I need help myself, whereas for me it's more like waiting for the right one and less like "Am I good enough?"
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 December 2016):
 I was like this, but my fears faded quite a lot purely because I waited until I was in a relationship for a while first and we'd fallen in love. We also took a month to work from touching with clothes on to both being completely naked, as I was very nervous and self-conscious and we didn't want to rush anything.I think part of the pressure from thinking it all has to happen in one session, but I think it's actually best to take a couple to work up to full sex.I also truly believe it's best to have sex for the first time with someone you really know loves you and isn't in it for good sex, so the expectations aren't too high. You won't be good the first few times and it will be a bit awkward, but you have to be with someone who isn't going to feel the mood has been killed by taking it slow and laughing off anything that doesn't go smoothly. As well as the fact that they're more likely to be interested in making sure you're okay and having a nice experience than someone who's new in your life.As for basic safety, I always advise being on the pill for quite some time beforehand (so it's effective and you're used to never missing one) and the guy using condoms every time, even for oral sex. Have lube available and read up on how to have safe sex or consult your doctor, as too many mistakes are made because people are embarrassed or think they already know it all.Most importantly, do not feel it has to happen quickly. If you feel you'll lose your partner because you want to wait until you're both official and have been in love for a few months (at least), they're not interested in your comfort over their "needs". You can say no at any point and if you're unable to talk to them about sex, you're not ready to have it yet (same goes for them, even if they've had sex before).Trust. Open communication (*always* talk about it together before you actually want to have sex, not just in the heat of the moment). Precautions and safety. Take your time - no rush. Wait for love, if at all possible, and/or at least a few months, so you have a decent foundation with the person and know them well enough.Another thing I'd add is that you will always be nervous, but it will be taken over by feeling loved and ready, when the right time comes. If you feel really nervous, it probably means you're not ready, even if your body says it is. It's okay to wait as long as you need to; there's no shame in finding the right person to have sex for the first time when you're 23+, for example.You can ask more questions, in general or about my experience with what you're feeling, if you wish :)
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