A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I will be really honest with you. I am a 30 yr old female. I have asked myself this question several times and it's about time I get your thoughts. I seem to attract wrong guys all the time, but because I am not crazy, I never do anything with them.Consequently, I have never had a boyfriend! Now these are the scenarios; I always find myself with a guy who wants sex first/ second date. The guys normally have not won my trust yet so even if I wanted to, I have never given in. It's been getting worse. The last time I met a guy who ONLY wanted sex, and didn't want a kiss.I was attracted to him and I used to find him checking me out. So I thought it was all set till we sat down one time and he was bold enough to make such a move. Guys, please tell me, is having sex your way of communicating that you like someone or do I attract wrong guys? If I attract wrong guys, what could I be doing that is wrong? Please help, I am looking for love not just sex. Thanks for your response.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): one male's perspective:
I've been in 3 long relationships (2 past, 1 current). Soon 25.
Sex is very important. I would be pretty hesitant about dating/starting a relationship with a virgin. If I met a girl who would have sex no more than once a week (first relationship got to this point) I would likely end the relationship.
That doesn't mean love isn't as important either. Every relationship I've been in the sex has been very loving. It is a way of communication. Though I was never at a point to say "I love you" when sex started in those relationships, there were definitely feelings for my partner and sex is one way to express those feelings. Also, after having sex I usually feel myself grow more and more closer to my partner.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I think guys have come to expect it from women nowadays. Women of virtue are hard to find anymore. I never wanted to date girls that got around and would be turned off by a girl that would give something so special away so quickly. There are guys out there that are interested in the other parts of you. Just don't ruin their chances by being like all the other women out there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): If you just wait for men to pursue you then you are always gonna be dealing with a disporportionate amount of slutty men.
A man looking for a relationship will be choosy about who he bothers to go after. A man just looking for easy sex will hit on every woman in the room.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 August 2011):
Hi there. If guys you meet only want sex but nothing more, well then they are probably not worth dating in the first place.
I guess most guys will try it with most women they date, but you should never feel coerced into having sex with a guy just to keep him.
Quite often when girls have sex on first or second dates, it can become a "Friends With Benefits" type relationship. And that's not what you want, nobody does really.
If a guy doesn't come back for a second or third date, perhaps they are taking a "No" to sex, as a personal rejection. If that's the case, well that's about them not you.
If you genuinely show interest and kindness towards them, well they can see you are a bit interested in them, and if you both get along well with other, that's a reason to want to repeat the experience and see each other again.
However, you don't want to be freely giving yourself away for no effort on the part of the guy, because they just will not appreciate you at all, as it's too easy for them. And they might think that they couldn't trust you.
Maybe after the date, and a guy drops you back home, you could just give him a quick kiss at the door and say goodnight. Then just go inside and close the door.
If a man likes you enough, they will go to any lengths to be with you again and they will be willing to wait for as long as it takes.
A genuine guy will take you to nice places, spend money on you and treat you with respect and dignity. No exceptions.
Perhaps you are meeting men at the wrong types of places.
If you are only going out to public bars, well then I'm not really surprised, because a lot of the time, they are partially intoxicated.
If a good friend of yours introduced you to a very nice young man who they knew well, that might be a whole different ballgame.
There are many opportunities for meeting men - waiting in a queue at the bank, post office, supermarket checkout, bus stops, train stations, waiting to cross the road at traffic lights. Heaps of chances.
You just need to broaden your view of the world.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 August 2011):
 I realise that you possibly want answers from guys. but if you will forgive the intrusion of a girl I will do my best.
First of all I do believe that some people Meet the love of their life at 9am and by Noon they are lovers. The novellist D H Lawrence was like that. And that is fine for people who feel that lightening bolt of True Love and Genuine Commitment from the first minute. And continue to go on to love each other deeply and passionately. And be very very happy for those people.
But that is not my way. Those people above are very lucky. But most people never experience that Grand Passion. Most people have a much more difficult road to travel to find their true love. And they can end up kissing far too many toads along the way and still never find their Prince.
But my method was and has always been to take it slow and to only talk to the toads but not kiss them until I felt more assured that they were a good toad before I did anything, except to be a good friend. It is a lot easier to stay friends too, if nothing more intimate has occurred, before I made the decision to want to just be friends and not lovers.
I have always been able to slow it down, not because I do not like it, because I Love the physical side of the relationship, but before it gets to that stage I like to slow it down, because of my own rules.
Now it be that I might have lost some nice guys, though I doubt it. I have been blessed with wonderful fulfilling happy relationships.
But the pace is at my pace. And if any guy in the past has not satisfied with that, well they are welcome to find someone else with a faster pace.
So how have I achieved this?
And my first husband remarked, "If only they knew!" To the fact that some thought I did not like the physical in a relationship. Wrong. But at my pace and in a way that allows me to assess if the guy is really important to me or just the "nearest available guy"
So how have I always been able to do this?
Perhaps it is an inner resolve. I have also never had trouble saying no to Alcolhol etc. either.
But I am not Judgemental about others who do partake. Once of my friends who does drink and does smoke made comment that I was the only friend who had not told her to cut back on her smoking (three packets a day). I explained that I have no right to make judgements on that. She is an adult. And I love her a long term friend from school. But who am I to say, "this is too much or this is too little? Or do it this way and not that way". No No and No. I have no wish and no right to do such things.
But I do know myself well enough to know what is right for me.
And my aim is to get to know the person well. Before you making any life affecting decisions. For me, I honestly feel the need to talk regularly and meet regularly a guy I am interested in for 12 months before I would, have ever considered a relationship.
If I really have liked a guy in the past I have really wanted to know everything about him. AND really get to know him.
First by offering only friendship first. I have always wanted to know what makes them tick. I love good conversation. If they are not good conversationalists they already we have nothing in common.
And I am interested to hear about their hopes and dreams, ambitions and where they see themselves in 2, 5 and 10 years and so on.
And I am happy always been happy to enjoy a lunch date. Or ask them to join me on something that might mean they need to get physical, just not with me. (I am talking about a community working bee on a project or a voilunteer project).
Or swap books - I'll read one they love if they read what I love. I read Arthur C Clark and Asimov for him and he had to read a James Clavell for me. Did not think it fair to impose a Phillipa Gregory type story though I love those too. Sharing loved books with a guy means a great follow up lunch where you find out where you tick.
Meanwhile he had to explain the intricacies of games he loves and I explained why I love particular gardens and parks and plants.
I suppose the fact that I do not drink alcohol is why bars and clubs just do not appeal to me. My first husband jokingly said that made me "cheap" but I never thought me meant that in a bad way. Orange juice or Apple juice is probably easier on the pocket for a guy trying to impress me.
But the sort of 'date'I would run from would be an undefined 'Let's hang out at your place or my place and we can order Pizza' There is nothing wrong with that sort of date for those who loves that. I am very happy for people who like that.
But I would rather go hiking or swimming or something physical than that. And be so exhausted that there is no time for more at the end of that date.
I cannot stand a guy who seeks to embarass me in front of friends - his or mine. I would never want to attend a function and need to leave early so he could have longer to pash me. That is nnot respectful to the host or the hostess.
And I just do not "get" the need for urgency. Unless the guy has a monthly quota/list of girls he needs to get through to meet his rules. And I was never prepared to be on such a list
And are Aliens taking over tomorrow? So in response - "quickly, ägreee to this now"
No.
There will be many more opportunities in the future. But much much better to enjoy the company of a guy I really know well, rather than one I just met and hardly know.
And my children will get the same advice.
My eldest has already had such advice. I made it clear that being a notch on a belt is no recommendation. That there are plenty of girls willing to be a notch on a belt. But what does that "prove" about aReal Commitment to another person.
Amd I cannot see what is uplifting about a temporary partial may-be commitment where the couple hardly know each other.
Plus I would not even consider more until I had met his friends. I want to see how he interacts with his family and his friends.
I want to know his attitudes and his values.
And confirm that he is not abusive - try saying No and No and No again. You will quickly identify the potential Users and Abusers when you say NO to unwelcome advances.
That is just my take on the situation. Hope it is helpful.
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