A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for advice on my boyfriend's attitude towards me. About a month before Xmas just gone my Grandma fell very ill and sadly died, the funeral was 2 days before Xmas. I became very run down and fell ill with a cold virus over Xmas and New Year which has laid me low until now. I was due to fly out long distance to see my boyfriend for Xmas and unfortunately had to cancel my plans due to what happened. I knew my boyfriend would be disappointed as over the last year several things have prevented me from being able to see him and he has felt let down by our long distance relationship and has both threatened to finish with me and got angry before. However on this occasion his disappointment at my circumstances quickly turned to anger (more so at me falling ill than my Gran) and once again not making it to fly out to be with him. After a couple of bad telephone arguments I just text him (I was actually doing it to just shut him up) and put "Sorry my gran died, sorry I am ill, sorry I am not with you". He replied with "That is all I wanted to hear not that you expect me to just put up with this." I felt really quite confused about his reaction - I mean we were BOTH extremely disappointed and on top of that I had to deal with my emotions about family. This is probably what made me run down. Now I have been made to feel like I failed him and although he has not said his attitude is as if I have to somehow "make it up to him". I am trying to see this as the context of disappointment / hurt over the last year and perhaps just worse but I am worried if that every time something goes wrong and plans get ruined he will get angry. We are planning to live together and it means a big commitment on my part and I am feeling wobbly now. Any views / advice really appreciated.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 I think that your boyfriend is a little bit of a blockhead (and I only use that word on special occasions). I can understand that he's bummed out that he didn't get to see you and that maybe he was inconvenienced a bit. But you! A death in the family, a nasty sickness... you definitely have a valid excuse for not being able to make it. You've been going through a lot.
His sensitivity gets a -10. He owes you an apology for such cold behavior. I would definitely have a talk about this with him before you move in together. He is allowed to be frustrated over busted plans, but he needs to warm up his act and prioritize your feelings over his when you're dealing with so much pain and he's dealing with such a small thing in the big scheme of things. He needs to get over himself a little.
My condolences, sweetness.
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