A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently got married to my 1 year fiance and we ve now been married for 3 months. Its been hard. I wouldnt say Im unhappy, I love him dearly and he means the world to me. I dont even know where to start.. Because of his work, I moved halfaway around the world for us to be together. I dont regret it, but it is certainly hard to be away from all my relatives and friends. It is specially hard when we fight, and I just find myself not being able to talk to anyone. For some reason, our sex life has taken a huge hit. The problem, however, is not from his side. It did not use to be like this. It went from being fun and spicy to non existent (once we moved). God bless his heart he tries, and so hard, but I just don't know what is going on with me. We ve tried talking about this repeatedly but I'm not much of a talker, one, and two, myself I dont know what is going on. Sometimes I feel that one of the reasons may be related to the pain I ve experienced during intercouse. Before we were married, we engaged in sexual acts, yet no intercouse. From the very first time, I have suffered from cuts, that make me uncomfortable. It is not excruciating pain, but it is not enjoyable either. I also dont feel sexy. I dont really know how to "seduce" him, it all just feels extremely awkward. I just dont know what to do. It breaks my heart when he feels rejected, I certainly dont mean to do so. I find myself crying on a daily basis, sometimes feeling quite depressed. Right now he wont even speak to me, and I have reached the point where I just want to go home. I want to stay together, but I want us to be happy. God, when everything is okay, it is just amazing, I feel happier than any human being on this planet. I just wish I could talk to someone, with a clear mind, who could advise me on how to handle the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Hi dear, I feel you . I am in a 4yr marriage and I dont wanna kiss or have sex with my hubby. I just resent him for the reasons best known by me. Maybe because I dont feel anything after or during sex, only now and then.... and he loves it, he can skip a meal for it....on the other hand, I can leave without it. I so wish I can feel the way he does. I want to be his gal, at all time cos he will go away to search for the missing piece. I dont know how to help you but there's more like us in this world and most wifes do it for their sake, because they have to. maybe we should just try that.
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 October 2010):
If you are still having pain on intercourse then you need to get checked out by a doc. I don't really know what you mean by cuts, or at least, how you could have got cut during sex, so it is a bit hard to advise. Anyway, head to a doc and then at least you will have some peace of mind.
I am wondering whether you have had pain from sex because you are stressed, which means you were not relaxed and probably didn't have enough natural lubrication, and this has resulted in pain and maybe these cuts, as you say. I think this whole situation is revolving around stress, and this is why your sex life is suffering. I completely understand how stress can more or less decimate your libido, so, I think that things are likely to get better when external factors have been sorted out.
Being isolated can be very depressing;you need to force yourself to get out and about and meet people. Join clubs, dance classes, sports teams, do voluntary work, anything basically which can help widen your social network.
As far seducing him goes, you need to take some responsibility here. I imagine your husband is feeling quite depressed as well, for, as you point out, he is making a lot of effort and getting no response. If you want to make it work you need to make an effort as well. It is not hard to create a nice atmosphere. Run a bath, light some candles, open some wine. You don't have to go over the top, but I suspect he thinks you are completely disinterested, and in turn, he is feeling rejected as well.
You need to communicate. You need to tell him how you feel. I know it is difficult, but he is your husband and you are married to him. Let him know what's wrong. You can't expect him to read your mind. He won't be able to help you unless you tell him what's wrong. You say you're not much of a talker, but you really need to make an effort to work on that, and you are the only one who can do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): It sounds like there might be two things going on. firstly the obvious thing that is affecting your sex life is the way it is not inter-related with pain. I can only imagine that mentally you are avoiding this because of that - which is not hard to understand. HOwever I think maybe you have another layer of resentment at moving all that way and now being isolated - it is a huge deal being cut off from your support network and this has made you quite literally close down again totally understandable. It sounds like you have a lot of love for this guy and if you both want this to work and cannot find a way to sort this between you then definitely get a professional counselling service to help you both communicate - that way you are also being supported by someone who is not judging you or the situation and you will feel less isolated. Don't let this go on and explain to your husband that you intend to get this sorted out so he knows you are committed. Lots of luck to you.
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