A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm going through quite a conflicted phase at the moment, and was wondering if you could help.I'm living with a guy who I'm madly in love with, and he's going out with one of my friends. I've loved him for almost a year now - we were staying in the same unviersity halls - and at the beginning he showed an overt interest in me, without ever getting to the point of asking me out. There was one night where he implied we should go out(he was singing a song and pointing at me whenever the word "girlfriend" cropped up) but I didn't really know how to react and after that night, I noticed a marked difference in the way he acted around him. He became quite cold and detached. A few months later, he announced on Facebook that he was going out with one of my friends (they'd apparently been secretly dating for a while prior).As it stands now, they have been going out for approximately 6 months, and the whole time it has been utterly tortuous for me - not simply because of the fact they're going out, but because I am living with him and it's a daily reminder of what could and should have been. We get on so well, and she really takes him for granted; I don't understand why they're still going out. I keep telling myself it's because we're living together that he stopped pursuing me... but what if there's another reason? I want him so badly; it's all I ever think about. There are times when I feel elated, indestructible, but these are inevitably followed by periods of desperation and utter loneliness. Unrequited love is such a lonely place to be. There is no happy balance - if I try to detach myself from him, I start to miss him and yearn for him, and if I spend to much time with him, it's even worse because I start to feel greedy and know I can't have him. It's just horrible. He's such a lovely person, but I really feel like I hate him sometimes.I think it's for the best that I stop living with him. But I have nowhere else to go. Not for another year, at least (when people will be switching houses). And underlying all of this, I really, truly feel that there is no-one else for me. He is just my perfect match. I don't see how there could be hope of me finding anyone else. I'm in despair.Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 "Sounds" to me like the "relationship" you want to pursue doesn't exist..... Save your mental energy and look for a guy who is available.... The one in this submittal isn't worth it....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Your in a difficult situation because he clearly is in love with someone else and unfortunately there is not much you can do but let them both continue in their relationship until he see's his gf for what she is (an advantage taker) as you phrased it.
I would advise you to just let him go from your mind (easier said then done i know)
BUT get yourself out of the house... get into other groups/ hobbies at university.
Make other friends.
Try spending less time with him but with others.
It takes time to get used to a new way of life but i assure you will find other people more interesting them him if you just move on.
It may feel like he's the only one for you but thats untrue.
There are plenty of guys on campus who you could have great rapport with, you just havent gotten out to meet them yet!
Dont be hard on yourself and commit yourself to moving out when you can do so.
You need space from this guy.
We're are nearly into the new year already so you dont have to wait too long to move out.
What is meant to be will be. Dont be hard on yourself.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 It sounds like you should look for another place to live, honestly. His actions show that his feelings aren't as strong for you as they are for her. Sorry, it hurts, it's not nice but there it is. He's kind of a jerk, actually, if he was flirting with you via the song when he was secretly dating your friend. Maybe he couldn't help but like the idea of having 2 women fancy him, but um, yuck. The "should have been" exists in your mind, not in his, obviously.
So, do your best to find the one room that must be out there, if you take the time to look for it.
Your perfect match was perfectly happy to date one of your friends, flirt with you while he was doing that, keep it all secret and basically show you that he doesn't consider you to be his best match. Ouch. Not much of a perfect gentleman, is he? More like an insensitive clod.
Instead of despairing, take charge of your life and find the house that has a vacancy, as someone else will have had to move... you are not the only person with changed circumstances.
Sorry it's so hard for you right now. Consider counseling if you are finding it difficult to cope.
Good luck to you and keep up with your studies! At the end of the day, what matters is that you get your education, because years from now, you will be very angry with yourself for neglecting that for some clod of a guy, okay?
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