A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal to date someone and not be in love with them? And if you are not in love with someone, is likely to change? I've been seeing someone for about a month who should be perfect for me. I did meet him on a dating website--the only time I have ever done that--and I do think online dating is unnatural because the relationship doesn't develop as gradually as it otherwise would. Still, I tried it and to my surprise, the first guy who emailed me seemed perfect. We've now been dating for a month, and I like nearly everything about him. He's the right height for me, he's handsome, funny, intelligent. We share a lot of the same interests. He has a decent job and leads a stable life. He's fairly healthy and doesn't have any addictions. My only complaint right now is that he seemed to be rushing things a little too fast, but we talked about that and he slowed things down to a better speed for me. Still, I feel like I should be more excited than I am. I've been single for nearly a year, and I don't miss my ex. This new guy is exactly what I was looking for. But I don't feel like there is enough chemistry. I do have a wonderful time when we are together, but when we are not, I don't miss him. I don't anticipate our next visit. If he didn't call me, I would forget about him. I hardly think about him. In the early stages of my other relationships, the guy was all I could think about. But now, it feels like just a friendship.I've also noticed that I don't like the way he smells. I couldn't say he smells bad. He wears some kind of cologne, but the mixture of his cologne and his natural smell create a scent that's a little off-putting. I don't know if this is relevant, but I guess I'm worried we don't have a connection or any kind of spark. He really is perfect for me, and I do think he is extremely attractive, so I really don't know why I'm not more excited. Should I be concerned? And if my feelings for him don't grow, should I just move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2014): I agree about paying attention to the scent thing. You're probably related somewhere down the line, possibly very far down the line. I've read that other people can smell bad to you as an instinctual way to prevent incest. Not that it would be at all like dating family, but I'd follow instinct.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 October 2014):
 His smell is a giveaway. Maybe it simply is the perfume he wears, but most likely its his natural smell you don't like. Perfume works together with a persons natural smell. If you liked how he smelled, the perfume would (ideally) just work to enhance it.
Not liking his smell means you're not physically compatible. He can be good on paper and mentally acceptable, but your body doesn't like his. Sorry.
I've also done the online dating thing, and my experience is somewhat similar. You get to know people in a very different manner, and things can seem to be rushed because you both know what you want and you both know what you're after. Unlike other circumstances, where you've had to get acquainted first and then sniff around for a while to determine whether the other person is single or not, has the same likes or dislikes etc. Online dating just skips this entire phase. So it can feel rushed, without actually being rushed, simply because you find out very quickly what the other person wants and likes/dislikes. Yet we do want that slow steady pace, haha, so we get stressed out and feel rushed. I met my current boyfriend from an online dating site. Took me about a month or so to determine whether this was someone I could see romantically or not. That attraction isn't there with everyone at the first second. But I know myself well enough to know this, I was never really attracted at first sight to any of my exes. It's something that builds up over time, after getting to know them and see what they're like. I can say whether a person is handsome or not, but for ME to be attracted to them is something different. Same as you know this man is handsome, he's easy on the eye, but you don't know yet if you're attracted to him or not.
The smell though, it's a sure give away that you're NOT attracted to him. But I would ask him to change perfume, or stop using it completely, before moving along. Just to be sure.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 October 2014):
 This is very odd. Even when guys rushed things it didn't kill the attraction for me. Sometimes the head and heart want different things. When you slowed things down, does that mean no sex? Sometimes sex can break the ice. Maybe right now he is waiting for you to be ready when in fact he's already friendzoned. I believe when the passion is there, you would feel it and you won't be able to slow it down. I tend to think men who do all the right things like focusing on school, career, and being perfect on paper often lose out on scoring women. Also you may be too similar in a way. Opposites attract. In attraction there needs to be polarity to bring tension and mystery. Nature wants us to find variety so that our offspring would benefit. Your feelings will grow into attachment but you want to have the urge to kiss him and have sex too.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 October 2014):
Yes, it is normal. I didn't form a connection or fall in love with the vast majority of men I dated. The dislike of his natural smell is another giveaway. Those are his pheromones, and your pheromones aren't interested in his pheromones.
It doesn't matter how nice he is. You not falling in love with him doesn't mean a thing, other than the spark just isn't there for you two.
Move on, and keep dating until you find someone who is equally nice and cool, whose natural smell drives you crazy.
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