A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, this isn't a relationship question but I've been using this site for over a year now and love the advice and help people give on here and thought you guys could give me some for my current situation. Unfortunately my uncle passed away just this weekend due to him being an alcoholic for a very long time. He's been sick off and on for years and had a lot of issues, but he was a great guy. I'm feeling rather guilty I guess because none of us in my family (including myself) ever got him the help he desperately needed. I also did not get a chance to talk to him before he passed and haven't seen him since I moved about 3 years ago. I'm just having a really hard time dealing with this and the guilt is pretty overwhelming at the moment.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 My condolences on your loss.
I agree with everything Euphoric said. The saddest part of alcoholism is that the alcoholic doesn't change his behaviour, usually, because of what others say to him. He changes when something makes him look at himself and not like where he is -- what they call "rock bottom". Nothing you could have done or said would have changed the outcome here.
I suggest you reach out to AlAnon -- it's an organization designed to help the families of the addict. They might help you with your guilt by teaching you more about the illness.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
My best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 September 2014):
Dear OP,
I am very sorry for your loss.
About death, there are not many smart things that can be said, so more than any words, I feel you need support of the people around you. But I can try to say some things.
I guess it's very natural to feel guilty when a family member has died. There's almost always something more you could have said, done or given. But don't forget, his death is not your responsibility, as his life was also not your responsibility, either.
He had problems and he needed help. But it's really hard to help an alcoholic, and many people with addiction problems aren't even at the point where they want and accept help from others. It's possible that it was just too much to handle for your family and that they would have done more, if they had known what, and how to help. If the relationship was always difficult, it's hard to offer help in times of need. To let others help you, it only works if there's genuine trust and the humility to admit that you are in need.
Your uncle was the one that is responsible for his life. Yes, he was sick, but it was his responsibility to care for his health or to call for help, too.
What you can do is to realize, okay, life is fragile and short. We all have to take care of each other, we need each other sometimes. To make sure that we don't leave anybody behind, or run the risk to end up alone, we need to build empathy, trust, good communication with each other. We need to learn to honestly ask others how they are doing, and to listen. We need to be humble enough to admit when we are weak, when we failed, when we need support. We need to learn how to forgive each other and ourselves, in order not to become bitter, and to be able to reach out again.
Maybe it would be a good thing to talk about your troubles with your family. It may be difficult for everybody, to talk about guilt and pain, but it might bring you all closer to each other. And also, it might help to write a letter to your uncle and express the feelings you have for him and what you feel about the situation. It might help you get closure from this and to realize what's going on inside you, more deeply (I also wrote a letter to my deceased grandmother and it was a good thing for me, to be able to say good bye this way, and to realize the difficult parts of the last days of her life).
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