A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am a divorced male and have been dating this girl for about 5 months. She is truly great and I think the world of her. I am taking things slow because I've been married and don't want to rush into anything. Recently, while drinking at my apartment, we got into the subject of "previous sexual partners" and she told me about a friend's with benefits relationship that she had about 1 year ago. She doesn't talk to the guy anymore but I can't get the whole thing out of my head. I picture her giving up her body to some dude and it drives me nuts. She also accidentally admitted that "he was good" and this thought is really bothering me. I don't want this silly issue to get in the way of our relationship, but I can't seem to get it out of my head. PS. I've never had a FWB. My gf and I talked about my problem with what she told me but I can't seem to shake it.
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divorce, friend with benefits, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Demrose  +, writes (27 March 2009):
I have an ongoing Friends with Benefits relationship with a lovely male friend. He's not right for me as a life partner and I'm not right for him....we'd drive each other nuts domestically. But we have lots of mutual interests, great affection for one another....and the sex is mind-blowing!As each of us genuinely hopes to one day meet someone special and get into a full relationship; the agreement is that should it happen the FWB will immediately step out of the picture. Since beginning the arrangement I've twice dated other guys and true to his word, the moment I told my FWB I was dating, he backed-off without a moment's hesitation. When things didn't work out for me, we simply took up where we left off.I didn't tell either of the boyfriends about my FWB, cause in my opinion it had nothing whatsoever to do with them. Whatever I've done before meeting someone is my business. I genuinely think it's wrong to talk about previous sexual partners in a new relationship .....what matters is being faithful to the person you're with.My FWB and I both hope we'll meet 'the one' in the meantime we have each other for companionship and to scratch those sexual itches.
A
female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (17 March 2009):
 You have to get over it. She has a past, we all do. She didn't lie and you have to respect her for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): A car dealer gives you a good price on a car. Then you discover that he was also giving those cars away for free last year.
Hmm, how strange that this would bother you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Thank ya'll for your comments. I agree with satin that I need to just "get over it." haha, that means I should probably quit talking about it haha. I just want to say one more thing. What's bothering me the most isn't that she's had sex previously with other boyfriends, because i'm realistic and I know how life goes and people get intimate. She's told me that sex isn't something she just gives away and she's 30 and only been with 5 people. She's very successful and charming and elegant, so the thought that gets me IS the idea of her calling this dude over and having lots of wild sex, as meaningless as the sex may be. (It was 7 months ago and she ended it when he wanted more of a relationship). I don't have concerns about my sexual abilities but I can't help but think that she probably has some wild memories with this dude that will never go away. She's told me that she's falling for me and I know i'm being stupid about this whole deal. I've had those same urges, especially during the time after divorcing my ex-wife, I just didn't act on them because sex means more to me. I guess with time i'll get over it. Sheesh.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Your first mistake: having the 'previous sexual partners' conversation. No good comes of that discussion, and you should stop talking about that (if you still are). Nothing you learn is going to make you feel any better, and there's plenty you could learn that will make you feel worse. Your natural inclination will be to ask for more details, but you should resist this. It'll just feed the involuntary images in your head.
As for getting over what you know already. Unfortunately there is no easy way out. More specifically, there is no thought you can have, or conclusion you can come to, that will make you feel any better about it. Basically you're never going to like the thought of another guy being with your girl. Any way you look at it, it's bad, and it's going to make you feel bad.
The 'way out' is to learn to stop thinking about it altogether. When the thoughts come, you can 'change the subject' in your head. Think about something else, anything, something that you find interesting. Brush the thoughts aside like you'd ignore the sound of construction in the street or people talking in the next room. Put it into the 'background noise' part of your head.
The images and thoughts will still come, but if you resist the urge to 'think about them', and instead just let them pass, you'll find that with time they no longer bother you significantly.
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A
female
reader, confused1988  +, writes (17 March 2009):
Hey there,
personally i dont think u've got anything to worry about... i had a FWB a few years ago... it soured, but thats not the point. a FWB is basically someone u just have sex with, no strings attached, no need to call or spend quality time with. u only really talk when ur horny. personally i dont really see that its a big deal, i mean we all have urges, n i know i'd MUCH rather deal with them with someone else in on the party than by myself lol... as for 'giving her body up to some dude'... trust me, she would be using him just as much if not more than giving him anything, its not something u do involuntarily. i think the best way i can explain it to someone who hasnt experienced it is: its like any other sex toy, but better, coz its real, u dont have to press buttons lol...
also a FWB is usually someone that compliments u perfectly sexually, but as i'm sure ur aware, it doesnt always mean they'll also be so perfect when it comes to a relationship, which is why they are FRIENDS and not BOYFRIENDS.... so her saying that he was good... is not much different that you talkin about some chick u seen down the street with massive tits... its just a general observation... coz lets face it.. if she was gona be with him.. she already would be
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