A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 21 and my boyfriend is 26 and I'm jealous of his ex girlfriend. They met in college and dated for 3 years! He even proposed to her before she moved away! They never set a date and he didn't give her a ring... He has been broken up with her for over a year but they stayed friends. He and I have been together for 6 months but at the beginning of our relationship, he talked about her a lot even though he said that if she moved back he wouldn't want to be with her. That he was over her and only wanted to be with me.He said he wanted to remain friends with her because he wanted to "be there for her because she is a good person". It has always bothered me... even though he hasn't talked to or talked about her in five months! The things he said about her...He still had a lot of her stuff in his apartment (I told him to throw them out). How do I get over her and the time they spent together? How can I feel like I don't have to compare myself with her? He says he is far closer to me and that he takes me more seriously then he did her...but how can I stop being jealous of her!? I get disgusted of thinking of them "together" and him telling her he loves her and holding hands and all that lark... but I can't push the images from my mind. I'm going crazy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): Look I told you why you feel jealous. It's not because he is lying to you. Trust me he is not. Guys don't lie about stuff like that. The only reason you feel jealous is because you know too much information about his last relationship. You know that he proposed to her. He used to talk about her a lot. He still has items of hers lying around. He's told you he still cares about her.
You guys just kind of started off on the wrong foot in that sense just because he talked too much. But this is actually a good sign. When guys first fall in love with you they want you to know everything about them (even stuff we don't want to hear). It just means he is in love with you. I swear. In fact, I would be MORE concerned if he didn't talk about her or was secretive about her. The fact that he has been so open with you about it means that he trusts you and wants to be honest with you. And that alone is a huge sign that he loves and respects you. Jeez he even stopped talking about her when he realised that it was annoying you. He never meant to hurt you and it was NEVER about her, it was always about you.
The bottom line here is that what is done is done. Maybe he divulged too much information but its only because he loves you. In fact the only reason he has told you all that is BECAUSE he loves you. And it is up to you to decide whether that is something you can live with or not. If it is something you just can't get over, then you should end it. But if you are going to stay with him you have GOT to get over it. Because if you keep bringing it up and making it an argument you are just going to drive him away, eventually.
And to be honest, if I were you, I would get over it because HE DOES LOVE YOU and if you don't realise it now you are going to realise it when it is too late.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the thing that bugs me the most is that in the beginning he did say he was over her and that he thought of her as just an old friend. I don't like the thought of him having feelings for her at all! I just don't understand...he says he loves me so much more, that before me his life, even with his ex, seemed hollow. He said he is more passionate about me and that our relationship is stronger...but why do I still feel so jealous?!?!?!
He says he doesn't ever want me to feel like I have to follow in her shadow, and he has listened understandingly to EVERY complaint I've dished out at him...He said he couldn't have known there was somthing better until he had met me and now he says that I'm the one for him...But despite ALL of that, I feel the same way...Should I be committed? Am I crazy?!?! Ladies help me out here!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): Well I think it is totally natural for you to feel that way. I guess you know too much about their relationship and that is just too much information for you to handle. I have been in your situation and I hate it and it is so tough to tell how they really feel sometimes. Or to convince ourselves that they do love us "more" or whatever. You know?
It's possible that you met him at a time when he still wasn't completely over her. But this doesn't mean anything. Sometimes you need to meet someone new to get over someone old.
Well certainly he may still care for her but rather than seeing it as something particular about her, it is very possible that he is just that kind of guy. Maybe he will be this way about all his exes and girlfriends. He is probably very sentimental.
But the worst thing you can do is to dwell on this any more than you need to. I mean he hasn't talked to her in five months. That's a good sign. Furthermore, is he good to you? Does he love you? Does he make you happy? If you answered yes to all these questions then you may ruin a good thing if you don't convince yourself that you are great and that he really does love you.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (23 August 2007):
It might always be in the back of your mind since there are constant reminders of her. I think the only way to really get over this is with time. This should hopefully ease your mind, even if her presence is always around.
I also think that after being with this girl for three years and proposing to her at one point, you feel like it is a tough act to follow. i think again, it is time you need. Sounds like he's doing what he can to ease your mind.
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