A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have two kids, so I'm always tired or busy and my husband works 8 hours a day. It seems like we can only have sex when the kids are a sleep. If we don't have sex almost everyday than he'll watch porn when I go to bed or if he gets off work early and I'm not home because I took the kids to the doctors or I'm at my mom's house. I don't mind if he watches porn sometimes because I understand that he needs his alone time and that I may not always be here when he wants it but, I don't want him to feel like he has to hide it from me. Last night a fell asleep trying to get our one year old asleep and I woke up as he was getting into bed, he said he tried waking me up. I then asked him if he wants to have sex and he said it's too late and i said why did you already jack off he said no he's just tired now, but I look at the history on the computer and it shows that he did jack off. He tells me all the time that it's no secret that he watches porn but then why is he hiding it from me? I would like to know what type of things can I try so our sex lives don't get boring? I'm new at everything still. My husband is the only person I have had sex with and I feel like he watches porn for his alone time but also because I don't do all the things he wishes. I tried asking him if he wants to try something new, but he says our sex life is fine. I think he just doesn't want to teach me how to do something, so I thought if I would to find out how to do something different than he would be surprised and he would like that I took charge.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2010):
 Good advice so far. A lot of people don't want to talk about what they want for fear of rejection. Others fear that you will accept it enthusiastically and they might not like it as much as they thought they would. Others can't enjoy their fantasies if they are shared.
I'd like to suggest a possible explanation for your trouble. Before you and your husband were together his only sexual outlet was pornography and masturbation. He may have thought that you would replace that part of his life. But the fact is that masturbation and sexual intercourse are two very different things. You are less available now and he has found more time for his old hobby. He still loves you and enjoys time with you, but he likes that other as well. You want to be emotionally attached to him and you feel left out even though you permit him to enjoy it.
You need to explain to him that you are tired, and busy, but not dead. You still need sexual time with him , and more than you are getting. The heavy schedule of caring for two toddlers is new to you and you need help to learn how to fit it all in. I would suggest that you make regular sex dates with him. On the day of those dates he is not allowed his "alone time" activities, because he has to save himself for you. Then if you should fall asleep, he must wake you up, and you must honor the date and not be grouchy. Spontaneous sex is also allowed, but I get the feeling it is not happening now. The first thing is to make sure both of you are getting your cookie jars filled.
Now as to new and different activities. Start by telling him that the next date is your turn (make sure he gets his turn as well). Start with small things. For example if you think he might like bondage, get a blind fold. Or just tie one hand, or just feet. If you want to experiment with oral start by trailing kisses. Get a position book. Try a game. These are good ways to find out what you both like. take your time you have only been marries a short time. You have decades to try it all.
In the end you are under a heavy load with two toddlers. You may need extra energy to have a successful sex date. Drop the kids of at your mothers and take a nap. Trade babysitting with a friend or relative. Take a nap with the kids. Every date won't work, but you need to show serious commitment. And when things go wrong, or the kids get sick at the wrong moment learn to laugh it off. I remember the toddler years fondly. Diapers were no fun but watching them grow and learn every day was a joy.
FA
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 May 2010):
 Have you tried watching some porn yourself? You know, for research purposes. ;) I wish I had a woman at home who took care of our children and still tried to have sex with me regularly. Your hubby is a lucky man. What about foreplay? Sometimes that's a great way to spice things up.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (4 May 2010):
Firstly give some thought to what you want not worry about his wishes all the time. You are not a machine and things need to be opened up to discussion otherwise what steos may he take next?
He will eventually have to curtail his porn a sthe kids get older. Perhaps you should consider puting a stop to it?
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