| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating the most amazing guy who I met through an online dating site for just under two months. He is everything I could have asked for and it's going really well. I know I should be really happy. However, I have been so hurt by past relationships, particularly the last one, that I'm finding it hard to stop being paranoid and insecure. I worry that he's seeing other women although I have no reason to think so. I don't want this to go wrong yet I keep worrying that it will! I'd really appreciate some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): I have been there before. You have to let go of the past at some point and make a definate effort to move on. Try to put all your effort into your new relationship and please try not to drag the past up. Bury it.
Take care
xx
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 January 2007):
Your answer lies in your question. In your question, you say that your paranoia and insecurity are a result of your past relationships, not your current one. So you don't really have an issue with your current boyfriend, you have an issue with trust. There are several steps in learning how to trust people in general.
1. Believe in yourself, build up your confidence, and trust yourself. Trust yourself that you love yourself, that you are worth being loved by people, and that you are worthy of respect, and that you believe in who you are.
2. When you meet other people, be open to making connections with people and trusting them, but know that not all people have the strength of character to honour the trust that you give them.
3. Accept that in your life, from time to time, people are going to let you down and in some of those cases break your trust. Learn to see this as their failure or weakness, and not yours. Stay confident in who you are during this time, and forgive them for their weakness, and wish for them to become better than they are. You may choose not to trust people who have broken your trust: don't be a sucker, and let their breach of trust bring you down. You are still worthy of love, respect, and trust.
That is a basic trust building principle. The more you believe in yourself, the better you can learn to deal with the pain of people hurting you, and the more strenth you will have to seek out people who are trustworthy.
Finally, the other key element is communication. Talk to your guy and build up trust over time. If things come up that affect your trust, say so and see how he reacts. Listen to your instincts regarding trust, they are often right, so if your instinct is telling you there is nothing wrong with your boy, there probably isn't.
We can't change how people choose to treat us, we can only choose how we deal with it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 I know it's so incredibly hard when you've been hurt in the past to see that anyone could possibly not hurt you and obviously if you enter into a relationship with anyone you're opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt but you're also opening yourself up to the possibility of being happy. Your problem is that if you keep up this not trusting him, you'll push him away which is not what you want to do. I can't promise you he won't hurt you but I think you owe him the chance to try and make you happy. Hope this helps.
CD
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