A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why do I worry so much in my relationship? It's like I always think the worst and I don't know why I do this. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. There are some times where he will act different and seem off or become a little distant and I automatically start thinking the worst of things. I'll start thinking that he's been talking with another woman or has met another woman.Like just a few days ago he said he was going to go to town with his mother to some of the shops because there's some games he's been looking to buy. The thing is is that he doesn't usually do this and he barely talked to me at all that day so I started thinking something was wrong with the story. I started thinking maybe he was lying about where he was or that he was out with a girl and not his mother. This only really happens when I don't hear much from him for 1-2 days or his days off from work. I start thinking something is up or that there's some reason he doesn't want to talk to me. And it's not like I annoy him, I'll text him occasionally and he'll take forever to reply or I just won't hear much from him for the whole day whereas I usually hear from him daily. I don't know if this is a trust issue or if it's in anyway normal that I think like this and have this problem.There hasn't been any trust issues with him. Only thing is that he's a good looking guy and a lot of girls do flirt with him and like him. Maybe I'm insecure or worried someone will steal him away? He really does seem like a faithful guy though. Please help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Since HE has never given you a reason NOT to trust him, this is totally a mark of YOUR insecurity.
If you let this insecurity show it will ruin the relationship.
So he's good looking and he flirts... the fact that he's YOUR boyfriend means he made the choice to be with you.. but no one wants a whiny or clingy or insecure partner. it gets very wearing and is often a nail in the coffin of the relationship.
I was very easily persuaded to leave my last husband. He was very down on himself and insecure and it became difficult to deal with. The guy I ended up with is one of the most confident secure guys I know... at least in public....
NEEDINESS is NEVER attractive. If you can't cope with your feelings of insecurity alone I strongly suggest some counseling to help you learn to change your "stinkin thinnkin" to more positive thoughts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This IS a trust issue. It is also possessiveness.
You're idolizing your boyfriend; because of his looks. How can you say it's not a trust issue; when you say you get upset when girls flirt with him? He can't control that, no more than you can stop guys from checking you out. He has sat you above wanting to be with other girls. It doesn't mean he doesn't realize other pretty girls still exist.
He has eyes, and they can see. You still recognize a handsome guy when you see one. Is every handsome guy now invisible when you go out with your boyfriend? You may pay less attention; but you still see them. Have boys stopped checking you out; because you have a boyfriend? I think that would make you worried too! Wouldn't it?
Your boyfriend is not a prized "possession." You are not protecting him from being stolen. He is not the center of your universe. You are both sharing cloud nine together.
You don't fully understand the concept of being in a relationship. It is the exchange of "good" feelings.
You are committing to each other; because you feel strong affection and want to be together. You want to make each other "HAPPY!" You want the other person to grow; and have friends to help you take care of him. You want him to feel free and ease with you. You have to be at ease with yourself first.
You're admitting he is wasting his time for all his effort; because you're not happy. That he may deserve one of those other girls; because you can't get it together. You can.
Just try.
You're confusing ownership and idolization with bonding within a relationship. They are not positive ingredients,
they are in fact, very toxic.
You're supposed to be focusing on having fun, being there when he's sad, being supportive of his accomplishments, and being a good friend at all times. You are his girl, the one who stands by him through thick and thin. Your job is to keep a smile on his face, and you are supposed to let him do all of the same things for you. You work things out when they get bumpy, but don't fear you can't solve problems together. All relationships have problems. All problems have solutions. It may take time and a lot of effort to find some solutions; but love finds a way.
Fear is your enemy and destroys hope. You give up without trying.
You're more focused on where this will all go wrong or end.
That doesn't really make you a good choice for a girlfriend.
You gave him the false impression you had it together. Are you going to break his heart? Your own?
That means you are not ready for a boyfriend; because the "little girl" in you is too worried about someone stealing your favorite doll. You aren't supposed to be "worried," you supposed to feel loved, and be giving him love in return. So now grow up, and let the woman in you takeover.
It's the little girl that's scared.
Reaffirm to yourself that everything is okay. Remind yourself that he gave up other girls just to be with you.
It doesn't matter how long he will be with you. He is with you today. He cares about you now. He isn't doing anything to make you scared. It's all in your head.
It helps when you go online and read about "insecurity," and "the fear of abandonment." How to make a relationship stronger. How to overcome insecurities. DC is a good start.
Read every article you can, until you tire of it. It will sink into your subconscious. Jealousy and insecurity are poisonous emotions that grow inside from unfounded fear. It will leak out and start to corrode your relationship; because your behavior will become toxic. You'll be moody and suspicious. This will make your worst fears come-true.
Your mind is trying to sabotage your relationship; it wants it to be over; so you don't have to worry when it is going to end, or how. You should instead focus on how sweet he is to you. Think about ways you can be sweet to him. Talk to your mother about these feelings; and you'll find that she has words of wisdom that only a mother knows. It is very reassuring. She's someone you can trust. Talk to your dad.
Many times young women assume their mothers/parents will get too involved; or offer too much information. They know you from the inside out. That's what parents are for. Guidance and reassurance. You need strong female-support in your life. That's what mothers and older sisters are for.
You will find it here too. These aunts are fantastic!
Better than a therapist; your mother can sooth your fears. You have to have an open-mind, and not consider her opinions all just criticism; or an intrusion on your personal life. She's not lame. I hope you have a good relationship. She is part of your built-in support system; and a source of strength.
It's normal to be scared. It means he means a lot to you.
It's when you let your negative feelings override the good feelings that will jeopardize your relationship. Fear of what might happen, when it hasn't. It takes pushing these negative feelings to the back of your mind, like you're pushing the good ones. It's not a marriage, so you don't have to be so intense about it.
Look at everything good he does for you to please you. Allow that to bring you joy. Let him out of your mind sometimes, and find things to stay busy and happy when you don't hear from him. If you smother him, he will get tired of you. He can't have you in his face and in his space 24/7. If you need that, I'm sorry to say; he shouldn't be around a girl like that. He doesn't deserve a girl like that.
Allow yourself space to breath. Go hangout with some friends, and stop trying to enforce your "ownership and possession" of your boyfriend. He's not your property nor your slave. You love him, you don't own him.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Greetings,The first thing to ask yourself is where this is coming from.It is said the moment you have to question trust, it no longer exists but is it your trust in him or your trust in yourself that you are questioning.You need to get to grips with this or you will end up scaring him away or angering him as your issue develops.Ask yourself has he betrayed you, or gone behind your back.If not then vent to a friend, get this off your chest in a controlled environment so you won't bottle it up.
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