A
female
age
36-40,
*utterfly13
writes:I have a problem i'm 22 years old and have been married for over 2 year. I have recently become awary of my husband abusive nature. We fight alot and i dont know what to do i have told my family and they are trying to help but it seem to be getting worse...He has a very bad drinking problem and when he gets mad he says mean thing like calling me a whore and many others but you get the picture. A week ago he got so mad he started throwing this at me and hit me with his phone. Our 22 month old was in the room, the next morning he told me that i made him do it and i just don't know wht to do i want to leave but i'm scared it will look like i'm the bad one. I grow up with a dad who was abusive and i cant let me daughter go through what i did...please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 The alchoholism is probably the main problem here and many alcholics blame those nearest to them for what is happening and may use them as an excuse to drink even more.
Firstly try talking to him when he is sober, will he admit he has a problem? If yes suggest alcohol counselling, tell him things have to change as you do NOT want your daughter to grow up witnessing his behaviour as it will probably get worse. If he will get help then try and support him if you love him. My dad stopped drinking 20 years ago after 20 years of problems and I am so proud of him, I know it can be done but only when they are ready and with everyone's support.
If he wont admit the problem or seek help then you do have to consider leaving for yours and your daughters sake x
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Sorry to say but this kind of situation usually gets worse not better if the abuser shows no responsibility for his actions. He'll soon or later start using his fists. I'm afraid you need to take the baby and leave. Is there family you could stay with until you can get on your feet? Your husband needs to realize he has a problem with his anger and his drinking, when a person's personality changes after drinking it is a red flag for alcoholism. You don't have to be in a gutter to be an alcoholic, you can just be a person who cannot tolerate alcohol. Until he realizes this and DOES something about it, you should stay away. What would you do if he turns his anger on your daughter after he's drunk? Play it safe and let him know that you mean business if he wants his family back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Hi, I'm sorry to hear that he seems to be starting a pattern of abuse; that cannot be easy with a young child in the picture. I don't have any good way to handle him, but I do have some resources for you to look at and consider calling to see if you need some outside assistance.
First, you could visit the website of this organization, or call the 800 number.
National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Phone 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
Website www.ndvh.org.
Second, you mentioned that he was abusive when he was drinking. Do you think he is possibly an alcoholic? If so, you might consider also looking into Al-Anon, which the organization that helps family and friends of alcoholics cope with the issues brought about by the abuse of alcohol.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Blaming you for his actions is not a good sign; someone who is trying to justify abuse by blaming it on the victim is not being realistic about who truly is responsible. You said you have told your family; that's good, keep them aware of what's happening. I think too many women try to hide what's happening in abusive relationships and wind up battered with their self-esteem virtually non-existent. So keep your support network active and don't be ashamed to ask for help!
Good luck and take care of yourself and your child.
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A
female
reader, cthulhuhugs +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Leave. He is not willing to take responsibility for his actions so it's obvious he won't change. Get out now. Right now. It's only going to get worse, and in the mean time your daughter will be going through exactally what you did. And who is to say he won't start hurting her next? Don't wait for anyone else to help you. Be a woman, and stand up.
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