A
male
age
36-40,
*natole
writes:I need advice from someone who dosent know me. Since I was a teenager I've tried to stay outgoing and I've always had female friends but I've only been in one serious relationship, I guess I have trouble connecting on that level. I was raised kind of old school by my parents when it comes to how to treat women so there is a bit of a clash there. Now the trouble is a girl that I've know since I was 17. She's older than me, like most of the people I grew up around, and we met through our circle of friends, one of which she was dating. Her boyfriend wasn't the nicest guy to her and they were in an abusive relationship for years so we were always friends because i always treated her like she was more than a perfect body and I wasn't a part of that crazyness that was always around her. We both had feelings for each other since we met but we never acknowledged it until years later after she would keep going back to another bad boyfriend. We never ended up together because in her wilder partying years she built a bad reputation for herself and was always with the worst guys now all of my friends and family dont like her , but we stayed friends because we make each other feel better about ourselves. She has a three year old now and going through a divorce. We still see each other from time to time to talk and carelessly flirt but nothing beyond that.I wanted to keep her daughter in mind when i thought about how much i cared about her so I told her that I would like to see her more often and be a bigger part of her life so her kid wouldnt be confused. In a half assed / indirect way she said that she didn't want to date right now but she still comes around my job to hang out and try to get a job with me. You have to understand that this girl is so beautiful and so loveable that it hurts me to see her. My rational mind tells me that im an idiot and that it would never work, but the rest of me just wants to love her, take care of her, help care for her daughter..........The rest of me wonders why is it written in the stars that I have to be aloneWhat do you think of this?
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male
reader, The Corporate Casanova +, writes (11 June 2014):
 You, sir, are upholding a noble cause of your caliber, caring for a misguided woman whom you have a strong affection for. I wish you nothing more than the best of regards.
Keep fighting the good fight!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): [edit] So you've had on only lasting relationship; and the rest didn't.
Correction: So you've had only one lasting relationship; and the rest didn't last.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): Many young men write DC who are captivated by beauty; and infatuated with a woman they idolize and place on a pedestal. They are mesmerized by a particular female; and caught-up in how pretty she is. They'd go through hell for her. She plays with his heart and drags him through the mud.
While messing around with other men at the same time.
You shouldn't have to go through hell for anyone. Nor should you have to take-on their baggage. You shouldn't have to spend your life repairing self-inflicted damage; or counseling her for years of trauma from bad choices.
The good-side of you has seen how she has been treated, and you've witnessed first-hand the life-choices she has made. You feel someone so beautiful shouldn't have hardship. You have drawn the conclusion that she requires someone to take care of her.
What she needs is to learn how to take care of herself; and her daughter, on her own. Not depend on men to make a life for her. That has been the primary cause of her failure with past relationships. Not caring enough about herself, not knowing her own power, and preferring the wrong men over someone right for her.
She needs too much work, and so do you. You admit you haven't had much experience. Becoming a husband and father all at once will overwhelm you. Providing for a family, and actually maintaining a strong relationship takes a lot of work and commitment. Not hinged on starry-eyed dreams of being with a beautiful woman.
She has depended too much on her looks. Maybe it's time she used her smarts.
If she's still just getting by; and hasn't made any major changes or improvements. It's not up to you to provide her with those things. In a thriving relationship; you're supposed to help and support each-other. Build a partnership. Not dedicate your life to paying tribute to her good-looks; or trying to reverse and repair all the destruction she has done to her own life.
You fantasize being her knight in shining armor; but she hasn't offered you any opportunity to go beyond being just friends. It is quite common, if not typical, that guys like you find a wounded "bird of paradise;" and want to change her world. The thing is, it never works out the way you envision it to happen.
She could take you on as a convenience. Presuming your a good catch and provider. You'll spend your life trying to make her happy, and she will be bored out of her gourd. Women who like bad-boys don't appreciate the average-guy. There's no drama or excitement. You want an ordinary life, and she wants just the opposite.
You need more practice in having relationships. You need to outgrow your crush, and start dealing with relationships as an adult. You don't yet have what it takes to deal with a ready-made family. You are a good friend, but you need more practice and self-confidence before taking on such a challenge.
She has to learn what she's worth, and find herself. She isn't ready for a boyfriend, or a husband. She has some growing-up to do as well. She became a mother before having the chance to discover her potential, or to follow her dreams. So she is in a rut, going from one bad relationship to the next. You may treat her well, but that may not be enough. She's no angel; or she wouldn't keep dating the devil.
If you want a relationship. Start with someone more compatible to your own personality. Easy-going and romantic. Good-natured, and loyal.
I think your lack of success has been due to seeking women on the basis of their appearance; and less for their personality. You're attracted the outside, and that's where it stops. So you've had on only lasting relationship; and the rest didn't.
You want to go the risky route; but you're not built for the terrain. You say she's so sweet and you're good friends. She has kept you in the friend-zone for a reason. That's a sign you're not her "type." It would not work. Like Mark says, the minute a bad-boy comes along, she's going to break your heart.
You will find more success with women when you look beneath the surface; and be with women who appreciate you just as you are; and for what you offer as a man. You have good values and you want to treat a woman right. Now start looking for women who want to be treated right; and like to be romanced by a nice ordinary easy-going guy with a good up-bringing, and wants to have a family someday.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 "The rest of me wonders why is it written in the stars that I have to be alone"
That suggest that you perceive this as being an either her or nobody situation. You are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you to meet new people. If you don't get together with her it doesn't mean a nice woman wont come along in the future. Forget the stars, bad luck, omens and all that - get out their and date!
Sorry if im saying what you don't want to hear, but this girl is trouble. She is insecure, lacks self worth and as a result leads quite a self destructive life of going from one abusive partner to another. She has gained a bad reputation as her low self worth has caused her to indulge in bad things which she perceives herself as deserving, and has, in the nicest possible sense, a lot of baggage too.
You are insecure because you have never found a woman you can relate to, who likes your old fashioned values. You feel your "traditional" ways are at odds with todays younger women who are the opposite of the kind of girls who would like you and your ways. She, for whatever reason, is insecure and seeks out abusive situations and hurt as she thinks she deserves it. The tow of you have one thing in common - insecurity and low self esteem.
You see her as the big hope for you as you think her vulnerable side can be turned around by your more traditional values and respect. You think someone like her is the only one who you can relate to, the only person who understands you and vice versa. You also want to save her from her self destructive path and spare her the abuse. You want to be her white knight who turns this poor girl around and makes her happy...
You need to move on my friend. She wont be happy until she learns to love herself, and while she is engaging with the dregs of society it aint gonna happen. She would need councilling and professional help to overcome her demons PLUS would need to WANT to do it for herself. You are drawn to her out of pity, anger, wanting to save her and because you think she is the only one who appreciates your caring, sensitive nature.
I used to be the same as you and fell for a girl similar to what you describe. I learned the hard way that you will get hurt. She will always be self destructive and you deserve better. She may be beautiful, lovely and special in your eyes but she is self destructive to herself and those who care about her.
If you treated her well she would soon go off with a bad boy who treats her like dirt and hurt you.
Mark
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