A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Please don't judge, but I am in love with my professor. I don't know what kind of love it is, if it is how a daughter loves her dad, or how a woman loves a man, but I have been in love with him for over a year now. I am 21, and he is 58. It's crazy, because, I am married to a 26 year old man who can be so stupid sometimes, and with each stupid quality he demonstrates to me, it just causes me to think of this professor even more, and how he wouldn't do/say those things. He saved my life during a time when I was suicidal, because he gave me a reason to live, and ever since then, when I am going through a rough time, I just think of him. I know I married who I married, but yeah. I married this guy cos it seemed like he would stay around, and he loved me. Don't ask me if I love him, because sometimes I am not sure. As an example of some of the stupid things he says, he said to me tonight that an 11 year old should be happy if his babysitter exposes herself to him. This comment reminds me of guys who think that guys can't be raped. Anyways, I told him that maybe someday he would grow up. He gets me so mad sometimes, like the other night he got an attitude with me for no reason, and I thought of the gentle 58 year old, whom I love. I know the 58 year old is not perfect, no one is, but he seems so much more relaxed than the man that I am with. He has made a sarcastic comment to me once or more that has hurt my feelings, but usually he is very nice. He told me that I was kind of cute, and I said whatever u say mr so and so. Well, I haven't talked to him for almost two years now, cos he made a pass at me, and it scared me. He said while we were on the phone, "I could be masturbating and you would not even know it." Then he said he was joking then he said maybe he wasn't. I don't like guys who play games. If he was interested in me during that time when I wasn't married, he should've said so whether it would've scared me or not, instead of playing games. After my two year avoidance is over, I plan on calling him again, just to hear his voice and then to hang up. Maybe even become friends again some day. Sometimes I pretend that he is holding me, and I cry. Sometimes I just don't know what I want. If I love him so much, why am I afraid to have him? I've had things for older guys before, but I was always afraid of going further with them, or staying with them if I did go further. I just don't want to be used. I want something real. I probably already have something real with my husband, and probably just don't want to face it. I don't know. I'm not really asking for advice, I'm just asking for non-judgmental perspectives on this situation. If you have advice, okay, but whatever. I knew him for about a year or less before my feelings began to develop. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): if you're not happy with your marriage, there's no point to staying in it. it seems to me that you simply married this guy because you knew for certain that he'd be an ok husband.
but what about a great husband? maybe it's your professor (i'm assuming he's not married...)
you deserve more than someone you just settled for.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Thanks for the update. You are welcome. I think if you want to change your medication if might be advisable to counsult your doctor.
Eleanor Rooseveldt said: " Remember always that you have not only the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one".
Here for you anytime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat doesn't necessarily mean that I know that it's wrong it means that I know that some people will think that it is wrong.
Thanks for the advice mammamia. I have been to a therapist before, and am currently trying to work out my issues with depression. I was on lexapro, but it gave me problems, so I am tapering off of it now, and thinking of going on St. John's Wort. I can't really seem to find a good therapist that is cheap or free (unless I went to the hospital). The last therapist I had was very judgmental and this was during a time that me and my bf were having sexual intercourse before we got married.
Anyways mammamia, I think you pretty much hit it on the nail what I am going through. Thx again for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): The professor sounds like the "hero" in the story. He sounds like the father figure that now in a fantasy world is involved in sexual activities and emotions.
I think you are frustrated and unhappy in your marraige. You have fears from the past that is haunting you, that is why you are scared of being used.
The professor seems a safe escape. Away from the frustration and irritation of your marriage, away from being hurt or used. Sure, it is making you feel good and safe, because it is not a reality. (If you had to be with him, you would be complaining abuout the habits of this "old man" ), but in your dreams and in your fantasies he is perfect and you feel safe with him. No wonder you are longing to be with him, I can understand that. That is all in your dreams and in your "future" plans, but I think you need to focus on the present, maybe you should consider consulting a therapist to help you to establish a more clear path for your future. For example: You and only you can decide if you want to stay married, then you need to pay attention to your marriage and work on it.
You seem a very smart and intelligent woman, but I think you have been deeply hurt in the past. You are scared of been hurt again and are trying to find ways to escape from getting hurt.
I want to leave you with the words of Frederick Koenig.
" We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 you say please dont judge but yet that means you know its wrong yet your still in a dilema, but put that a side.. it seems you dont know what you want as the men say they put the pussy on the pedistal instead youve put your professor on the pedistal..their is nothing saying things could be worse or better if you were with him instead..but i dont think you should be looking around and instead look at yourself you dont know what you want or who you want..look at yourself then try and work things out with your husband..i always dreamed of having the tall dark and handsome what i thought was best and ideal in a man but sometimes our expectations can be too high and humans are less than perfect far from it i would say so i think your in a un real reality about your professor..the next thing is your young and you seem somewhat level headed try and relax your not 30 or 40 where things seem far more serious time is precious and some of us have less time than others so try and live the best you can and just enjoy life..thats my opinion aphexy xx good luck
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