A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my Fiance, and we are getting married in 5 months. There is a relationship in his past that really bothers me. She was divorced and with a child. She was a bartender at a trashy young bar and lived at home with her parents. She also casually did hard drugs (as did he)I also found out that she had 2 abortions, one of which was his, although, he claims that the baby may not have been his, and that he is not sure if she was with someone else at that time either, but that there was an "accident" and it is highly possible it was his. But, she is a liar about many things, so who knows! He has also kept her out of his life and she causes no present problems in our relationship. He does not have a drug problem and hasn't done them since we've been together, he also takes the abortion very hard, and is so embarrassed about his relationship with her, he will never claim her as a girlfriend.I am the complete opposite of this person and I have very high moral standards, values and expectations. I hold myself highly accountable for my decisions. Now, I have made mistakes, but I would have never gotten myself into the situation that he did, and her situation to me is unthinkable. I despise woman that have had multiple abortions. I have issues with him being involved with a woman that carries these issues, to the point where it is affecting my own self esteem. BUT, I have found that the more details I get the better I feel. And, I mean like ALL the details, even things I think are none of my business. He has been wonderful and sharing these things with me, but I can tell that it is wearing on him. He says that every time I bring it up it makes him think about it and it hurts him. He really wants me to stop having issues with it so that we can move on and enjoy our relationship and wedding planning. I feel like I am getting to the point in finding inner peace with the situation. I also don't think i can move on until I do find peace with this. Why do the details make me feel better about things and how do I explain it to him so that he doesn't shut down on me while I try to work through things and find that peace?
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abortion, divorce, drugs, fiance, liar, move on, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): You have "high morals", and you feel proud of yourself for that. She has "low morals" and you've have probably always felt disgusted by people like that. However, whatever your morality, you both had relationships with the same man, your boyfriend. You are trying to make sense of the stories you have been told. How come you with your morals, and her with hers were both attractive to the same guy. I bet you've been told that people like here can't get nowhere in life, and you did confirmation that she will suffer and be in pain for being a "bad" girl. You are trying to understand the things you have been told, maybe in the back of your mind, you would have liked to have the freedom to be a little more "naughty" than you have been. Be very carefully, to your guy it will look like jealousy and vindictiveness, not an attractive trait in the woman that your going to marry. Because an abortion, drugs and probably a lot of mistakes were made by him, it may also look like you enjoy giving him pain. Can't you just deal with what you've already been told, and just process that. Write down everything you know about this girl, and write down your life story next to it. Then throw both pieces in the fire and watch them burn. We are all women, good and bad, moral or immoral, different but equal in many ways. You don't need her to make yourself better or find your peace, you just need to the best person that you can be for YOURSELF. Make your own rules babes, build yourself into the kind of person that you've always wanted to become, and stuff all the rules. Let the past go.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 October 2008):
You are feeling threatened because he went for a girl who was so different to you - does she have something that you don't?
So hearing details from him about how horrible and low she was makes you feel better about yourself because you can feel better than her, and therefore more attractive to your man than her.
You don't need to justify to him begging for more dirt on her... you just need to accept that she is in the past, he has changed and he is now with you. Move on and enjoy wedding planning and planning for the future.
Good Luck!! xx
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