A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Since March this year I have been in touch with a Korean man online. We met on a penpals website so I was not looking for a relationship. He's based in London on a two year student visa. When we first started talking it was very casual but after a while he started talking about how he wanted to date me and I found myself falling for him. He was leaving to go back to Korea to help his family for a month so we agreed to talk while he was over there and begin seeing each other when he got back.While he was in korea though all correspondance from him stopped and he deleted his facebook profile so I had no way of contacting him. He has told me since it was because someone on facebook had started scaring him and he wanted to break away form them, but I'm not sure I believe him. About a week before he was due to come back to the UK he set his account up again and got in contact with me. I was weary of him because of what had happened so took it slow at first but soon found myself falling for him again. except this time when I talked about our relationship he told me that he only wanted to be friends.I took this with a pinch of salt as I felt that he'd changed his mind so easily in the first place that he may change his mind again, and we agreed to meet. We had an amazing day together, though nothing happened, and after he said that he was confused about our relationship. This would have been fine and I would have backed off but our phonecalls and texts soon became sexual. Since this we have met up again and things did become physical. The problem is that he still says he's confused. He says that because he doesn't have money to travel (he's currently not working so doesn't have many finds to travel to Oxford where I live) that it would be too difficult and he doesn't want a long distance relationship. But in the next sentence he will talk about moving to Oxford to be with me, but I feel this is just because he knows I'll say no because this is moving too fast. He also hasn't told any of his friends about me, even though all of my friends know about him, and some have even met him. I'd say around 80% of his friends are female and I have to deal every day with him openly flirting with them on his facebook page, and if I say anything to him he tells me that they're just his friends and that I shouldn't worry about it.The final straw came last week when he went for a 4 day break to Amsterdam (where he got the funds for this I don't know). While he was there I heard from him once and again had to see him messaging other people on facebook. When he got back I asked him what he'd done while he was there and he told me that on the first day he had got there he happened to meet a girl who was very into Korean culture and she had offered for him to stay with her family, so he had cancelled his hotel (again if he is so short of funds how can he afford to cancel a hotel last minute) and gone to stay with her. When I got annoyed and told him he had disrespected me by doing this he told me that they were just friends and assured me that nothing had happened. But the damage was done and I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore.The problem is that he is still trying to keep in contact, yet still not giving me any kind of commitment. I'm in love with this guy, and that doesn't happen that often and I'm really needing some impartial advice as some of my friends say one thing and some say another. I'm really confused.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 August 2013):
 his actions and his words say that you are not that important to him... listen to both
He told you he can't handle LDR and he only wants to be friends... I'm sorry but I think you need to take this at face value.
IF you can't bear to be just friends with him, then end the "relationship"
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 August 2013):
 p.s. Red flags (as I see them)
1) you fell for him before you met him - that is fantasy, not reality. Not judging you, I've been down that road, just sharing my experience.
2) he deleted his FB account, suggesting to cynical old me that he has a significant other in Korea
3) talking about moving to Oxford - future faking.
4) he has a harem of female friends with whom he flirts - nuff said.
5) he lied about his financial situation
6) he bunked up with a stranger (maybe another 'online pen pal') in Amsterdam. I don't believe his baloney story about just happening to bump into a complete stranger. Neither do you.
7) he is mucking you around with mixed signals while claiming to be confused
OP, you trusted your gut and you made the right decision! Good on you.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 August 2013):
Yeah I can see plenty of red flags here, OP, and I personally think you did the right thing in ending it. It sounds shifty. Fishy.
You say you are confused. Confusion generally means there is something wrong. Let me quote you something that helped me:,"Confusion is a clear sign that you should not do the thing you are confused about. Don't call your ex. Don't get back together. Confusion is telling you that you should stick with the choices you made. Once you get back on your feet, once your heart and mind are clear, you can re-evaluate everything. Confusion is telling you to wait until then. Trust it."
My advise: Kindly ask him to stop contacting you until you are ready to communicate (reminder: until your heart and mind are clear), by which point you will probably realise you don't want any further contact anyway. If he doesn't respect that (or more importantly, doesn't respect you and your decision), block him for your own peace of mind.
Also, getting back to pure practicals - he's here on a 2 year visa. What would happen at the end of that 2 years? I truly believe you're saving yourself from a lot of future angst and heartbreak by severing all ties now.
I know it's not easy. But the sooner you sever all ties the better. I promise - it's hard but the equivalent of ripping off a plaster quickly.
Good luck, OP. There ARE other guys out there. He's not the be all and end all. Really.
Take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): You need to take a step back here- a relationship needs to work both ways... Do you really think that if he had the same feelings for you he wouldn't call you, flirt with other women all the time, go impulsive jet setting for free, wild holidays, mess around at random women's houses? This is a lost cause and you don't deserve this disrespectful and honestly, DISMISSIVE treatment. You've given him the boot- so now of COURSE he's all riled up by the excitement of a chase and winning you back. I'm sorry but you're his side dish and one that is gunna taste so much better after all that work I.e chasing you.Forget love, he's not relationship material, he's not even DATING material. As long as you keep hanging on to this LOSER, you're rusting away your life.., trust me sometimes however strong feelings seem, if the other person just doesn't feel the same or they're a t*** , there's really nothing you can do but move on with your life. You may think he's something special but he's a young irresponsible, immature man child. He's just one of many heartbreakers. I'm sorry but you need to get out there and pursue your life without him. One day you WILL look back on this and squirm at what a slippery eel he is... Take care xx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 August 2013):
 I would focus on this comment that he made: "...he told me that he only wanted to be friends..."
Believe him... and get a different guy if you REALLY want a "boyfriend".... This guy isn't one...
Good luck....
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