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anonymous
writes:Wondering what are the major causes of distracted , painful lives? I feel, I have unquestionably more pain im my life than others. I now, pain cant be measured, but I know, my challenges are only happening to low number of people. Like losing a child. But it is not enough, there are many other issues. I feel I was a very positive person. But my life is in a very bad place right now. I dont have unreasonable thoughts, and I had many years of counseling. And even my counselor agree, I had more pain in my life, than her other clients. It is not about competition, it is just a fact.I was wondering , what are your thoughts, what can generally wreck lives? Choices? Luck? Mental illness? Or why some people have so much more pain, than others? What are the general causes in your opinion? Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013):
Yes , pain is relative. you can even cry for years about your first love ending. Some people commits suicide, when their heart is broken from love.
But I think, the nature of pain itself is not relative. Like some people gets clinically depressed from losing a pet.
Yet losing a child is incomparable to that. It might have the same result.
I have a friend , who is going thru divorce, and tried to kill herself, because could not handle the pain. I told her, she should be happy that her kids are alive and healthy, but she is not able to see this as a benefit right now. So yes,it is true, that anything can put you in deep pain.There is no rules for that.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Pain is relative. If someone hasn't experienced losing a loved one, they might find a divorce very painful because it is the toughest thing they have experienced.
If someone has lost a child, the loss of their parents will not hurt as much. If someone has not lost a child, the loss of their parents will hurt more.
A colleague of mine lost her father 6 months after I lost my step-father. Her father was older, she already has two kids who got to meet their grand-dad, and her father was ill for a short period so she got to say good-bye. Yet she mourns and is really broken by this, can randomly burst into tears.
My step-dad died very suddenly, over night, and he never got to meet my future children, and he was much younger than my colleagues father. And yes it hurts for me too, but I handle it very different from her.
Another colleague of mine recently lost two of her best friends to cancer. She handles it with astonishing strength.
My friend (only friend back then) committed suicide when she was 15. I cried over that for 5 years. Yet the most painful thing I experienced in my life so far (despite losing yet another friend to cancer when she was 16, and the death of 4 family members since), the most painful thing was breaking up with my first serious boyfriend who I was also engaged to.
Pain is relative. Not measurable. You can't say others hurt less than you based on their experiences, because they experience it differently from you. Their pain can be just as horrible as yours (or most probably is).
Your life does have it's ups. But now, when in a low, you're too hurt to see it. You speak of losing a child. You had a child. You had that happiness, for a while. Treasure that gift, because a life is a gift. Yes, it was taken away... but we all die, our time here is brief. Dying is part of living. Nothing good without the bad.
You will experience goodness in your life again. And I believe you will help others experience goodness, by having the experiences you have, and by being who you are. You have a purpose in life, even if right now you feel like all you do is mourn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): Yes, it is true, I wasn't very nice. Sorry,my heart is broken, and I have so much pain,and it is never ending.,. Seems, there is a strange spell on my life. There are no ups and downs, only downs. Its very hard to be reasonable in my position. But yes, I do apologize for not being compassionate for others pain, I really do.
It is because, I just can't make any sense of mine. Thank you for your posts, and efforts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): OP, I wonder why you dissed everyone else's responses, when you had asked:
"Wondering what are the major causes of distracted , painful lives? "
and
"I was wondering , what are your thoughts, what can generally wreck lives? Choices? Luck? Mental illness? Or why some people have so much more pain, than others? What are the general causes in your opinion? "
You asked very general, philosophical questions.
If you wanted the responses to be specific to your own situation, why didn't you say so?
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (21 August 2013):
"I was wondering , what are your thoughts, what can generally wreck lives? Choices? Luck? Mental illness? Or why some people have so much more pain, than others? What are the general causes in your opinion? Thanks"
This was asked by you, OP, yet you say everyone except for one missed the question. Umm okay. Next time, I'll not bother taking the time to respond to questions that you seem to be able to answer for yourself anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2013): One great loss to ever come to terms with, losing your child. I am aware of friends who have lost 2 of their children to tragic circumstances, then the 3rd died of cancer at a young age,their deep pain never left them, but was replaced by such love that they carried on with their life for their children.
I know 'all' bereavments are so! so! so! painful and can not be measured. I fell into the deepest darkest PAINFULL HELL HOLE of greif and loss , a place that I thought i could not recover from. Death is FINAL and I understand that feeling FINAL, I know those moments of wanting to go with them to end the pain.
A hard life..trust me you are NOT THE ONLY ONE, and yes I understand your anger at the pain that never stops, the scars that never heal, the ghosts of the past and the emptiness of the future.
It is your duty to live your life to the best you can and act from love, not bitterness, I note you are not too nice dishing the other agony aunts who spent their time answering your post'And they were just talking about their own issues' (Other peoples) issues make you aware that you are not the only person on this planet IN PAIN and suffering, Yes some appear to have it relativly easy, but some of us witness/ experience death,suicide, murder,and HAVE to carry on LIVING.
I have spoken about some of my issues here because they are relevant, as are ALL the ANSWERS you have recieved, because they/ we have shared a moment of your pain and suffering,by RECALLING OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.
I would suggest meeting with other parents who have lost their children as you may find this very supportive, but please be willing to LISTEN to OTHERS PAINS and not throw it aside as unimportant in scale to yours.
You may well, not like what i have said,but as you know, nothing can take your pain away (only YOU and YOUR FAITH)can take you through the dark valley.
God Bless You and your ANgel x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2013): Dear, janniepeg,It seems, you are the only one who understood what I was trying to tell. Thank you. The rest of the answers completely missed the understanding of my post. And they were just talking about their own issues. Thank you, for understanding and listening. No, a divorce, is not the biggest pain , what someone can face with. Clearly, it is bad, but not final, and some sad thoughts about existential issues, are also not comparable to real pain. I understand, we all face life ups and downs, but clearly, some people 's life is a real tragedy, not just little ''ups and downs''but sadly , many times , they face with no compassion. of others, because,its hard to believe their story, that life can be so cruel. . Thanks , for understanding.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (20 August 2013):
My personal thoughts:
I believe in God and that you are only put through as much pain as you can manage. There will always be pain and hurt in peoples lives, but we grow from them. The challenges makes us stronger, even if they are on the verge of breaking us down. They make us appreciate the things we do have.
I don't believe things happen TO you, as some form of punishment. But things happen in life, and they have to happen to someone, so the strongest ones get the heavier burden on their shoulders. So that others do not have to carry that weight.
I feel like you do sometimes, that I have been put through a lot more than others. In "competitions" about who's had it hardest I tend to win. But then I also know that what is painful to me, and a burden to carry for me, others can carry with help from friends and family, and their burden is not so heavy. But they again will have other burdens, other things that I think are easy to carry!
Such as a conflict between parents, or parents getting divorced. I found the separation of my parents easy for me, and not a burden. I found it easier to stand up to them when they were back talking each other, I didn't let that push me down. I had other things that were my burden, but their troubles were never my troubles. But to other teenagers, such a situation could be terrible and heavy, and stay with them for life. You know what I mean?
We have different strengths and weaknesses. We can handle different situations, different difficulties and challenges. Your challanges may be hard, and many. But do not think that you are the only one to suffer, or that just because the challenges of others seem "lighter" it doesn't mean they aren't suffering from it. Their challenges, to them, will be just as hard as your challenges are to you. The difference is that if the challenges were switches, they might not handle it and end up killing themselves, or sink into depression and be gone. Whereas you have it tough, but you're staying afloat.
I also know that everyone have their "dark secrets". Their sadness, their sorrow, their burden to carry. And it is seldom that they tell their dark secret. More people carry heavy burdens than what you see. They keep it a secret.
I believe it is part of the purpose of our lives, that each one of us go through the challenges of our lives. And if someone hasn't experienced such a challenge yet, then you know they have it coming, in the future. Because everyone get their own dark secret that causes pain. Everyone has it. The ones who don't just haven't gotten it yet, but then when it does come it will be just as terrible an experience to them, as yours are to you. Even if their challenge is a different one.
I also believe in balance. When you sacrifice, something good comes out of it. Life goes up and down, you will experience times of darkness and sadness, but you will also experience times of great joy and bliss.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (20 August 2013):
Well I think it depends on the person. Some people are more sensitive than others so what may be painful to one person, may not be as painful to another. Also, I think it depends on what you've experienced in life. For example, my parents started going through a divorce about 3-years ago (I'm 29). This was and has been extremely painful to me, yet I get comments like, "At least you're an adult." I guess since I'm not 8 years old, it's not supposed to be painful to me? Not true! I feel that something like this is more hurtful to me because I went 26-years with what I thought was a happy family and then had it shattered and questioned whether everything in my past into adulthood was a lie. The same situation could be different to someone the same age because maybe they saw it coming and would be "relieved" that it was finally happening.
I think a lot of factors contribute to what is painful and on what level to people...it's very subjective.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 August 2013):
 Did you mean you lost your own child? If that's true, then I don't feel qualified to respond to this question. There is nothing more painful than losing your own child. This is something that only the experiencer can know and outsiders can't relate. It's natural to blame ourselves for the death of our children. I imagine you would want to punish yourself by denying yourself happiness. It would feel selfish to be happy again. If your child is in heaven I can assure you he/she would want you to let go and to realize it is not only okay to enjoy life but it's essential that you take care of your emotional wellness. He/she is not angry with you. You might feel that bad things happen to good people and why me? Some people walk long paths while others just walk short ones. God has plans for everyone. He doesn't want you to only focus on negative things.
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reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (20 August 2013):
 I think everybody's pain is a personal experience. I think we all have pain. Some of us just know how to conceal it better than others. I think it is a misconception that someone has more pain than others ("Walk a mile in another man's shoes" before you can make this assumption). We all experience hardships. We all experience suffering. When you sit on a bus and look at the people around you, every single person has pain inside. You are not alone.
I think we distract ourselves from our suffering through drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, fitness, religion or we throw ourselves into the roles we create for ourselves eg as a parent, or we throw ourselves into our careers...when we are distracted we don't feel the pain.
I think deep down we all, to a certain degree, suffer the pain of our existence (existentialism). We seek purpose and meaning to what could be a meaningless existence. "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas" - Excerpt from a T.S. Eliot poem.
Pain and suffering is a universal, human phenomenon. We are all connected. We all suffer to learn, grow, overcome our fears and challenge our ideologies. Each painful experience forces us to rebuild ourselves like Humpty Dumpty.
The experiences that brought you pain are unique to you, but how you suffer and how much you suffer is universal.
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