A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So i really dont know what to do here. Let me explain. I am 26 years old, single, and will be for a while. Im just not into the whole dating thing. I have a friend, who i talk to alot. We met about 3 years ago. She is alot older then i am, married with kids. I have never over stepped the line of our friendship. We get along great, in fact, she is the only person who can read my mind, and can finsh my sentences online. We talk on the phone every now and again too. We just enjoy talking to each other. We understand each other.Have intellegent converstations.she lives on the other side of the countryWell her and hubby have been having problems for as long as i have known her. I have always been there to help her figure things out. Talking to her lately, i get a sense that hubby is gone soon. She had me read something she wrote and i asked if she was talking about her husband in one part, she said no.With all that said. We still maintain we are just friends, but i have fallen in love with her about a year ago. I just dont let her know. because i dont want to lose her friendship. At the same time, i think she knows how i feel for her. I mean she is the only person allowed to call me at any time of day.I really dont have a question, i guess i just want to know if im being a good friend. I would never hurt her, and she knows that. I am just wondering if maybe we are meant to be together one day down the road. I would never do anything to hurt her marriage. She knows that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Yes, you are being a good friend. You are not pushing her into anything she doesn't want to do, and you listen to her when she needs someone to listen--that is what good friends do.I am a married mother in a similar situation to what you describe; I have a dear (male) friend somewhat younger than I am, and sometimes I think the feelings there on both sides are a bit more than average friendship although nothing has been said or acted on. Now the big thing for me is this: that friendship is more valuable to me than any sort of instant gratification that could lead to losing everything (both my friend and my husband, with everyone hurt and unhappy in the end). I believe that your friend is likely to feel the same way, that she would be devastated without your friendship, and verbally or physically "upgrading" to an affair behind her husband's back is only likely to poison everything in the long run. But what you feel is NOT WRONG--as my best (female) friend says, the heart wants what it wants, and loving someone isn't wrong as long as you do no harm.Your friend may never choose to end her marriage, and if that is the case, your feelings for her will likely settle to deep affection over time and you may have a strong lifelong non-physical relationship. There is also the small possibility (depending on the situation) that the conditions of her marriage may change (I am aware of some relationships that have become polyamorous or at least obliquely permissive, to allow the family unit to remain intact while the adults find other fulfillment). Finally, if the marriage does come to an end at some point, you will still be in her life as her friend without the sour taste of an affair to have poisoned things for you, and thus able to declare yourself freely.So the answer is, of course it's okay to be her friend. I can tell you that having friendship taken away when you're already feeling troubled in your primary relationship would cause a great deal of pain, and you don't want to do that to someone you care about. I give you a lot of respect for being concerned about what's right, though, and for resisting the temptation to make a move.
A
male
reader, AHYOKA  +, writes (16 May 2008):
You seem like a wonderful gentleman. Don't even think of breaking her marriage, be a friend. Sometimes that is more precious than being a husband. Getting involved with married people is a really immoral thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Its obvious why they have marriage problems. Youve caused em.
I really hope and pray one day you feel the pain this husband is about to feel.
Youve been working on her and now youre trying to put your hands up and say it's nothing to do with me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): From all us married men out here. You're just the sort of **** that breaks up families. Stealthly acting like a friend. I hope one day you get married and experience some of the pain youre about to dish out. You try to claim to have some kind integrity, what a joke you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This woman shouldn't be talking about her marital problems to you. She knows no boundaries, this will develop into an affair.
If you really wanted to help her you would be telling her, i don't want to know about those kinds of problems you should be addressing them directly to your husband not me.
Lets face it you have a vested interest here, you would love her marriage to fail and her to be yours.
Youre just a wolf in sheeps clothing, 'friend' indeed.
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