A
female
age
30-35,
*ubyandsparks
writes:A couple of years ago I dated a guy for a couple of months. He was nice but I wasn’t over my long term ex. It ended because he said he couldn’t get my wall down (he was right). In February we bumped in to each other in the pub and went for a coffee the following week. We then spoke daily by text for a couple of weeks before going out for dinner and drinks, and then the following week for dinner and back to his place. It’s fair to say I was keener than him this time. Keen to show I was able to open up. Keen to arrange things etc, but I couldn’t quite judge if he felt the same or just wanted to go on a few dates. So since then obviously corona virus has hit. It just so happens that this guy is an intensive care doctor so all types of dating are out of the window. I text him when this all began and said I understand pandemics are a mood killer and he said dating isn’t really possible or practical for him at the moment but that he’d like to stay in touch. I said I’d like to too and kind of made it clear that I’d like to pick up where we left off after the pandemic is over. The problem is, he is obviously more laid back about this than me and has very different priorities to me at the moment. Before it all kicked off I was unsure if he wanted to explore where it could head with me or if he just wanted someone to go on a few dates with. I totally appreciate I’m not going to be a priority in his thoughts at the moment. The last couple of weeks he’s been in touch every few days, but it’s dropped off since last Thursday. I don’t know how to behave now really. I don’t know whether to keep touching base with him even if he doesn’t with me and offer reassurance and be a nice person to him, or whether that’s too much and I should leave it there. After all, I’m worried about clinging on to someone who’s unavailable for a prolonged period of time, but I also don’t want to walk away if it could be something in the future. It’s a toss up between ‘stay in his mind’ and ‘if he’s interested in me enough, he’ll remember me when all this is over and get back in touch with me when he becomes available’Please help a total overthinking out here!
View related questions:
period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020): Right now he's probably dealing with more deaths per shift than he's faced in his entire career, his mind will be processing the unprecedented circumstances he's working in and a relationship really will be the last thing on his mind. Make it the last thing on your mind too, I agree with others that actually calling him maybe once every week to once fortnight is a reasonable amount of contact and just having a chat, sharing some laughs and being a friend during this testing time would mean a lot to
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2020): When it comes to dating and romance, men and women seem to have a different approach and mindset in regards to our amorous pursuit towards making a love-connection. Nowadays, nobody's playing hard to get! Finding someone is the challenge, and keeping whomever you find is the primary objective.
Women will judge our interest and the integrity of the connection by how often we keep in touch. We men think in terms of practicalities. It wouldn't be sensible or convenient to start anything right-now; so I'll just put my feelings on-hold. Nope, you ladies won't likely see it like that. Maybe about choosing career versus motherhood; but when it comes to romance, you don't want to waste too much time. You want immediate confirmation from a guy...if and how interested he is? Our feelings are just not that close to the surface. We want companionship, spending time with someone to share passions, but the "R-word" lags behind when it comes to romantic-pursuits.
Here's why sensible-guys drag our feet. We must take our time and be cautious. Avoiding those just desperately wanting to be in a relationship, anybody will do! Clingy-types who think loves means fawning over each-other 24/7. Those looking for financial-security, prestige, and a big house to impress her sisters and girlfriends. There's also the greedy-needy who are addicted to relationships; and they are weighted-down with insecurities, and damaged by past failed-relationships and bad-choices they've yet to get-over. Even guys who aren't worth spit think they've got a right to bide their time and be picky!!! Players have their rounds to make; and they are usually working to enlarge their harems. They are charming, romantic, and slick. They know how to dangle a carrot and milk a promise. They will prolong the agony and play you along; if they know you're desperate. That's to their advantage. They can prey on the needy ones. All men are not created equal when it comes to their intentions and motives towards romance and relationships. He will let you know, in due time, when he's ready. Not one moment sooner! I'm speaking in vast generalities, of course. Some ladies may not like that.
Ladies may wonder, what makes guys think it's all up to them? I guess that depends on who needs to be with somebody the most; and who's most focused and serious about seeking a committed-relationship. You hope upon hope you're both on the same-page. You just may not always move at the same pace towards that goal. Know what I'm saying? If he's serious and has good intentions; being careful is all to your benefit. Strong and durable romances that are well-nurtured with trust, and sprinkled with understanding; will evolve into love. That love will progress to many levels. It takes time for anything of value to cure and mature. Real diamonds aren't formed in a minute! Given time, people determine what their true feelings are for each other.
You have a few romantics out there dating like there's no tomorrow; but when push comes to shove, he may seek romance, but he may not necessarily want to form a committed-relationship straight off the cuff. He will do all he can to send the right signals, and to make his romantic-interest apparent; but his feelings will not attach until he feels it is "practical." Thus women go nuts trying to figure-out..."well are you interested, or not???" He does everything to slow-down the process; while she's doing everything to speed it up. Am I making any sense? How does all this even remotely relate to your question? You dated this guy for a couple of months, two years ago. You only recenty bumped into each other.
You seem a little anxious; but you need to get your head right; because you may have to wait. You also need to understand why he may seem to drag his feet; and you can adjust your mindset in the meantime. When you understand a little how men think, you'll know how to deal with us. It would take volumes to give you a real understanding, this will do in a crunch!
If the doctor knows you will stress over maintaining contact; he is likely to put more distance between you. He can't afford too much on his mind, or conscience, at the moment. He must stay focused and avoid distractions. Saving lives is his priority right-now. Patients need him more than you do! You hardly know each other; and haven't had enough time together to establish feelings one-way or the other. He certainly hasn't, or he'd put his love-life ahead of his duty and oath to medicine. He swore an oath and he must uphold it at all costs. It's literally a matter of life and death. Let's chalk it all up to "timing!" Not how interested he is, but when time allows for things to fall into place.
Right-now, your patience and understanding must supersede your yearnings. He has no free-time. You aren't his wife or official-girlfriend; so work comes first. It's up to you, if you want to wait. I suggest that you try and be as little of a distraction as possible. Lives depends on his ability to focus and do his job. Sorry, if this isn't as encouraging as others. I've been in the medical profession, and we are now in a pandemic. Hospitals are short of medical-staff, and those we have are overworked.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 April 2020):
 I agree with CMMP,
CALL and talk. Be his "positive" part of live, in the sense that you call and chat about nice things (not illness or news or any other negative things) and make the conversations short and sweet.
I think this really isn't the time to try and gauge if he is interested. Because the ONLY way you can really tell is spending time IN person and that is out the window right now.
If he rather text than call (because of his job, and probably crazy schedule) I would simply JUST match his "output". That way you aren't being "clingy" or "over-investing" in this guy.
I don't think the drop off in contact is because his interest has dropped but more because the work load is getting higher or more stressful. I have a friend who is an ER nurse and she works crazy hours these days.
Normally, I would say if there is a sudden drop off, it goes with the level of interest... but I think these new and well, unique circumstances doesn't quite lend itself to the usual - "he is just not into you" response.
And you know what? If AFTER this is all over he no longer is interested or YOU no longer is interested, neither of you will have LOST anything by talking to each other.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 April 2020):
Maybe you should call him once a week or so, have a nice convo, avoid talking about work or coronavirus, and be patient. You can't force something here. When things calm down ask him out.
...............................
|
