A
male
age
51-59,
*erriblysad
writes:I am in a terribly sad place and am looking for any advice from people who may have been through something similar. I was married in 1991 when I was 24 to a woman that is a few years older. Since then we have had 2 wonderful kids and lived a pretty good life in terms of material things (multiple homes, vehicles, toys, etc). We have both been very successful in business and really have never had to worry about paying the bills, etc. But there are major issues. I have come to realize that I am a submissive person by nature and that she is a controlling person. Ever since I can remember I have been questioned on spending money (and I am probably one of the most fiscally responsible people ever - $0 debt) to the extent of reviewing Visa bills and grilling me on where I spend $5.00, been bombarded with 20+ calls a day when I am at work, been told where and when to go, been made to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with friends away from her, and the list goes on. I have been cut off from any close friends, no longer talk to my parents because they are "bad" people and really feel isolated and alone. Because of her controlling means I controlled the only thing I could - my affection. I cringe at the thought of holding her hand or caressing her, I never tell her I love her first if at all and when I do my stomach goes into knots, I keep any contact (kissing/touching) to as brief as possible, after sex I want to get away from her as quick as possible, sex is always on her terms (positions, frequency), we don't talk about anything substantial because my opinion seemingly is always wrong, I don't want to take care of her when she is sick, and I have been generally emotionless for the past 8+ years when I am near her. I can't take being unhappy anymore but feel trapped in this situation and yet she says I am the love of her life. I am in counseling and the question has been asked "you must have loved her at one point because you got married?". When we were dating I was presented with this offer "move in with me or it's over". I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. Just like I have done for my whole life with her. Marriage seemed to be the "expected" thing to do. She told me how many kids we were going to have, what job I should have, where we would live - no discussion. I can't do this anymore. I want to live. To be happy. I told her about 4 months ago how I feel and she says she is going to change. She started seeing a counselor and after only 4 or 5 sessions says she "figured herself out". Her background is that she comes from a divorced family, mother died when she was 8 or 9, went and lived with her father who disowned them after the divorce and never supported them and still keeps his distance. Now our discussions revolve around her analyzing me (amatuer psychology) and determining why I am the root cause of our problems. We don't fight, we just "exist" together. She is reading books and blaming my parents for who I am. I think my kids must see how shallow our marriage is and it sickens me to think of the bad role model I am setting for them (both boys) by never touching or being affectionate in front of them. When we talk of "making this work" I say I want to work on it, but in the past 3 weeks I am feeling more and more like I just don't want it to. I can't get over the pain and hurt of knowing how she treated, and is still treating, me. What do I do? I can't go on for the next 20 years going through the motions and not being able to say "I Love You" and mean it. But I feel like I should not have these feelings of wanting out. That I should, because of the vows I took, stick it out no matter how unhappy I may be. Please someone help me.
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female
reader, sum4gvn  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 I didn't take time to read the other responses, so, forgive me if I repeat anyone. I was in a similar situation, I was the more submissive one and my husband was the controlling one. He wasn't physically abusive but I was totally controlled by his passive agressive behavior. It got to the point that I began to feel like I was watching myself live and not really living, like an out of body experience. Sounds like something you mentioned. However, after 3 yrs. of being divorced I still wonder if that was the best solution. My two cents is this: It sounds to me like you are being emotionally abused, which is a form of domestic violence. Abuse is never ok(emotional abuse is EXTREMELY damaging, partly because there are no visible marks on the victim, so, the they think they're not being victimized) and by continuing to remain in the relationship I think you're modeling the kind of spouse your kids will one day be and you don't want them to be the abused or the abuser. This is what I suggested to my husband that we do(however he wouldn't hear of it and we were quickly divorced, so, be forewarned). You need to separate BUT not angrily and not to find someone "better" but to focus on your individual needs. Chances are both of you have many unresolved childhood issues, etc. and you need to deal with your personal problems adequately before you can begin to successfully focus on each others needs. I personally believe marriages break up because people bring too many personal problems into the marriage and marriage is hard enough without the additional strain of unresolved pain. I hope this helps. Good luck! PS. Please research signs of emotional abuse and you might want to look at narcassistic personality disorder as well.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2009):
 I can't say whether she'll change or not but if you separate for awhile it may put some things in perspective for her as well as yourself. I wouldn't consider it to be walking out on your marriage just yet. And if you do decide to dissolve your union perhaps with you being much happier you will be an even better role model for your sons. Who knows, maybe the both of you just might be able to work this out. Or maybe the both of you will find another significant other who will make each of you happier. It just isn't right to live this beautiful life totally miserable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27826010/
You are in a terribly sad place only because you want to be. What you are doing by avoiding your wife is not working and it is not getting you what you want.
You may have a very accurate picture of your wife, or it could be scewed a lot as well as her picture of the real you.
What you both need to do is to start talking with respect towards each other and get real with each other.
I recommend a relationship boot camp over therapy at this point as you are ready to walk out on your marriage and your kid's lives as they know it.
You owe it to them to earn your way out of this marriage by doing the work, and then if you still aren't happy, then leave....but not until you have done the work.
http://www.richmondhill.ca/documents/cc_enews_08_05.pdf
http://compassionpower.com/Anger%20Management%20Emotional%20Abuse%20Boot%20Camp.php
"""An excellent resource and articles at web site below"""
http://compassionpower.com/index.php
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A
female
reader, WDE123 +, writes (10 August 2009):
I think the person above is right. It sounds like she might not realize how much you give to the relationship and life you both have built together. You shouldn't feel like your in a box. You should be able to say i love you freely with nothing but more love for that person. You know what? you MIGHT be doing something wrong in your relationship (not everyone is perfect) But I am sure she is doing more harm and wrong.
It sounds like you weren't sure when you married her about your love and now you are starting to realize that. Do it for your children. Even though it might be hard now, they will thank you for it later, because children pick up habits we dont even know about and they might pick up that you should give into demands of a loved one if you love them in any way. You wouldn't want your children to be treated like that therefore you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated like so.
Oh and by the way she has no right to interfere with your relationship with your parents.If you don't want to to talk to them that is your problem but if you do then she should respect that (I don't particularly like my in-laws and My husband knows but just because I don't want to talk to them doesn't mean he can't, I ask about how they are and he lets me know and in turn HE knows that I love him because I am willing to put MY feeling aside for him)
I really hope you get your life back soon. I hope you are able to see whats best for you and your children. It will be a little ugly but worth it. Imagine being able to smile because you are content and go out and do whatever you want without being questioned!
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A
male
reader, terriblysad +, writes (10 August 2009):
terriblysad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyesWideOpen - Do you think someone like this can really change? I am in this black hole and keep going back and forth about leaving or staying. If I stay I think I am no better than a physically abused wife who is hoping for change but still gets the tar kicked out of her. If I go I feel like I am bailing out on my kids and on a marriage I said I would be in until death. I am in a lonely place.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2009):
You need to separate from your wife for a while. It would be good for both of you to have some time apart to think things over. Consider it to be a trial separation if that will make it easier. It may end up being permanent but I think you will both be able to see the situation more clearly if you aren't lving together.
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