A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI got married 4 months ago and my husband has changed for the worse.I'm a security guard who works for a large security firm (my shifts are daytime at an office in a large city, night-time at another business who also hires the firm I work for), my husband is an office worker for a large IT firm.I know marriage is hard work, and I've tried to keep the lines of communication open, but why why do they fail?My husband spends all his money on his friends, who go boozing and motor-racing, and he gets a large paycheck.I get a good income too, not quite as big as his, but yes, it's substantial enough for us to afford our house.Obviously I'm not with him for the money, we met when we were students in university about 5 years ago, and dated in his last 3 years of uni - I was in my second year, he was in his third year. We had, and still do have many common interests. Our relationship had its ups and downs, like any r'ship does, but now it's really hit the turning point, and I can't figure out how to deal with this.It feels like my life is hell, as he comes in at 4am drunk and struggles to stand up, sometimes when I come home from work I've found him and the guys boozing and sitting around in their vest (undershirt to any U.S./Canadian readers) and boxer shorts/briefs/Y-fronts!! (Yeuch!).They even do it at weekends (I have a nightshift job as a security guard at weekends!)It seems so selfish, I tried to chat to him about this, but he insisted to me it was his house too, and that he and the guys can sit around in their vest and boxer shorts/briefs/Y-fronts boozing, smoking and playing darts, and loud music, whenever they want!I feel more like I'm living in a hotel than a house.Despite that, my husband is a good man, he cleans the house up and makes it look sparkling, despite the fact he overdoes it with the partying with his mates.How can I convince him to stop holding these boozy parties where his mates sit around in their underwear with one another?Talking to him got nowhere, he insisted he had the right to have these lads' night in parties EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND in our house when I'm on nightshift, and this disgusts me.I could do what he does, but two wrongs do not make a right, and I work until 8pm anyway every night except Thursday and Sunday. (Friday/Saturday are my nightshifts).Please help me, discussing this with him just got him nowhere.what do I do? This partying of his just will not stop!
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female
reader, hotmommanell  +, writes (5 April 2010):
I'm afraid I'm going to have the same problem one day. If you absolutely cannot deal with it and cannot compromise, you may have to leave him. But if you love him, and want to work it out you will have to come to compromise.
Allow his weekend parties, but insist the lads be gone in taxis home by the time you're off your shift. I think that is reasonable. If he is not able to meet you half way tell him you'll have to give the relationship a serious revaluation.
A
male
reader, ahumanishere +, writes (21 September 2009):
This is a difficult situation for a newlywed. Your husband sounds very immature and irresponsible. This type of behavior will only get worse and more reckless. My advice is for you to take charge. Your husband needs a more structured environment with rules and real consequences. It's important that you address this with him in a loving and caring way. You are doing this for his own good. Take away his driving priviledges until he can prove himself mature enough to obey your rules. Drive him to work and pick him up. If your working when he needs to be picked-up ask your mother or sister if they would. It would be ideal if you could also involve his mom and yours to babysit him when your out or working. Until he proves he's mature enough to be by himself I would one of your mom's babysit. And you should implement a standard bedtime for him. Are you willing and able to assume control for his sake and yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Wow, sounds like your husband needs to grow up, he is behaving like a single guy in a frat house.
Perhaps your work schedule may be some of the issue as you aren't available to do things with him on the weekends?
Maybe look for another job so that you can spend time with him and schedule some activities together ahead of time.
If that is not possible, get some marriage counseling with him, tell him you are concerned that he is unhappy and you definately are getting that way and you want to find some solutions.
I guess you could booze it up with your girlfriends, but I agree, I don't think that would help the picture or anything.
He really is not acting like a marriage partner, but a singleton, and he needs to get a clue about that.
Sorry, I don't really know what else to say. I broke up with a guy I lived with for the fact that he kept going out drinking with the guys a couple of nights a week stumbling in late drunk and when I talked about it he accused me of wanting to be with him 24/7 and being controlling....I wasn't going to live like that having someone disregard my feelings like that, so I broke it off.
Perhaps you could leave for a couple of weeks and stay with family or go on a trip with a girlfriend, no contact with him and let him sweat it out. Sometimes actions are what it takes, but I don't know, I never tried that with my man.
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