A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hello,I was dating a guy who I really loved for three years. After two years, I had to leave the city and settle in another country for work. He was not comfortable with doing a long distance but I was...so we eventually broke up. Our love bond was strong and while I was extremely sad about our break and disappointed in his decision, I dint hate him because I know he’s not a bad person, we had good times but we wanted different things. I decided to move on. Three months later, I met this guy who is amazing! He looks good, he’s mature, caring, patient and very much into me. We started dating but unfortunately he had to move away to another country for work But is very willing to do a long distance relationship. So we’re in touch and it has been only a month since we started dating. Now, my ex contacted me, telling me he had time to think about us and he loves me and would want to get married to me. I am So confused. I dint ask for a choice and it’s really stressing me out ...I love them both and I can’t seem to make a choice. I don’t date casually and I’m serious about the people I date and respect their decisions even if they’re not in my favour... so I’ve not really faced a predicament like so. Who do I choose? Any suggestions would be extremely helpful!!! Thank you!
View related questions:
broke up, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"How honest are you going to be if he asks?"
"He won't believe you, no matter what you say."
"Here's my take on this nonsense with being unable to choose between two people."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2020): Your former-boyfriend comes out of the blue, and suddenly decides he cares so much he wants to marry you?
You mean like..;"let's just pick-up where we left off!" That sort of thing? If I were in your shoes?!! "Sorry bro, you missed your chance"!
Hello...does your life have a pause-button?
What about the gap in-between when you were separated?
Girlfriend, do you really believe that wanna-get-married thing?
I think he's just had some lousy luck in the dating department. I'm a guy, I know the male-ego. He's going to want to know all about your sex-life while he was gone. He's going to pull-out his purity-meter, and measure your morals and values before he makes you his wife! If you slept with even only one more person than he did? Will there still be wedding bells in your future? How honest are you going to be if asks? He won't believe no matter what you say.
Let me get this straight. You're trying to tell us he wouldn't care what (or who) you were upto during the separation, and you wouldn't want to know what (or who) he did? Have you purged your phone of pickle-pics, sexting, love-messages, or any incriminating-evidence he could hold against you? Are you going to be spying through his devices to see who he's been dating, and checking his message history for clues? I'm asking hypothetically! I think I already know the answers!
It means total deletion of the past and starting all over from scratch. You can't care how pretty the other girls were that he dated. He can't ask how many guys you slept with while you were apart. Do see my logic, sweetheart?
You guys are millennials, 20-somethings, and this all flies in the face of millennial-logic! You wouldn't take each other back without a truck-load of suspicions volleyed back and forth; and your buried-resentment will bubble to the surface, because he chose to take a pass on an LDR. Which, may I remind you, you indicated you were willing to try. Instead, you just went your separate-ways! Without a compromise! Which makes any credibility regarding any consideration of marriage really questionable.
It sounds more like an incentive than a promise.
This other guy comes along, and you're claiming you have equal-feelings for him? You don't say? I'd say you're being a little greedy, and basking in all this attention! You're in no hurry to make a choice, because it's great having so many options all at once! Are we bragging or complaining, girlfriend?
Let me throw some wisdom your way; and you stop and give all this some thought.
This my take on this nonsense with being unable to choose between two people. You don't really love either one of them. You're fixated, but you don't love either. You can't have both! Previously, you let one go; and you've just found the other!
One of these fellows is a johnny-come-lately that you have to get to know from scratch, and you happened to meet him on the rebound. Your so-called love for him is questionable, since it took no time at all for you to arrive at the L-word. You reached that conclusion way too fast, my dear!
That means your feelings could change once the newness of "fresh-love" wears-off! I've seen a thing or two; so I know what I'm talking about.
Then there's the other guy, whom you do know; and you supposedly had established-feelings for. He didn't love you strong enough to stay, and you didn't love him strong enough to leave where you are to be with him. Talking marriage? You can't even choose who to date!!!
Common-sense says let them both go; because you'll always wonder what would have happened, if you made the other choice. All it takes is one good-fight; and you'll start having regret and "buyer's remorse." You'll get hit with a bad case of "shouldah, couldah, woulduhs!"
Tell them about each other, and choose the one who stays. If he still wants you after dating other guys; and he won't get weird about it. He's one special guy!
Let's see who backs-off first! Self-elimination is the best way to go. The one who wants you as much as you want him! That's the one you keep.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): The only crumb of advice I can think of is, did your first boyfriend see through social media that you are dating again? Because if he did and this led him to want you again, I would say stick with the second guy. The first one just might not want someone else to have you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): You need to take some time to think. You don't know the second guy that well. So stop thinking of it as a choice between guy A and guy B. It isn't one or the other. Just see it as 'Do I want to marry my ex?" If the answer is no, then you're not *choosing* guy B over guy A. You're just saying no to marrying an ex. If the answer is yes then, well, guy B is just someone you've been dating for a month.
But I suspect that if you really wanted to marry your ex then you'd feel it in your gut. Do you?
...............................
|
