A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Urgh, what a mess. An old colleague messaged me to ask how I was getting on. We never really interacted at work. The messages very quickly became flirty. We are both married. But we met for coffee and there was definitely sexual chemistry. We discussed it and decided to enter into a fuck buddy style affair. Neither of us want to leave our significant others. No emotions were to be involved. It's been going on for almost 3 months. We now text most days and have sex a couple of times a week. We do chat about other things but it's mostly sex. We do talk about what's going on in our lives, our careers, hobbies etc etc. He talks a lot about his family, his dad hasn't been keeping well. I trust him implicitly and I think that's mutual. And boy the sex is good! Passionate and animalistic. However, I've realised I do like him. Like can't stop thinking about him. I still don't want us to leave our partners, but I'd like it to be a bit more intimate than just sex. I've told him I'm sorry for sometimes being so aloof and that I do want to get to know him more. He jokingly said he doesn't care and it won't hurt his feelings how I behave. We have agreed to be exclusive except for our partners. So now I'm not sure what to do. Accept it for what it is and ignore my feelings or let him know I do like him and see if he would like a bit more too? I'm worried if I tell him, it will drive him away as we did just agree to sex. What a mess. I know I can't just walk away, he would need to end things so suggesting I just phase it out won't work for me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 November 2017):
 Male Anon, her husband deserves to know who his wife is and what she's done. Of course it's unlikely he'd want to stay with her - that's his right to choose. Her covering it up is not fair to him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2017): If you decide to cut all contacts with this guy and work on your marriage then FGS don't tell your husband what went on. Bury this secret deep in your deepest memories. Because telling your husband will be the surest way to destroy your marriage and cause huge troubles. Just think if your husband does not forgive and decide on divorce on grounds of adultry,then the other guy will have to be disclosed and his wife will be involved and may ask for divorce too. It can get very messy. This is real life not some romance story.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 Stop being selfish and think off your husband. How cruel are you to hurt him this badly?
Off course your bit on the side is not going to want more, he is getting all he need and that is some sex on the side, his wife is at home for when he wants emotion and passion and you are there when he want's animal and rough. Look OP do yourself a favor stop having the affair and tell your husband what you have done and how sorry you are. He is best being told the truth so he can get over this and carry on with his life and his broken heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): You don't *want* to walk away, but you can and should. If you are too selfish to let go of the affair, at least be half-decent and let go of your husband.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): You have made a mistake and it is time to undo that mistake before it cause irrepairable damage to your family. Stop seeing this guy and cut all communications with him. Avoid the places where can bump into him. Come to your senses OP.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 November 2017):
 You're right, what a big mess you've got yourself into.
There was absolutely no chance you'd enter into this arrangement without at some point down the line feelings becoming involved and now they have. It was a matter of time no matter how much you tried to kid yourself.
To be frank, this guy will never leave his wife for you, what are you meaning by you want more intimacy? You told him no strings sex, that's what he's getting so why would he want anything else? You're both already at risk of slipping up and getting caught out so why would he want to deepen anything?
If you tell this guy how you feel I'm 99.9% sure he will run a mile and cut all contact. Which tbf would be the best outcome for this scenario due to the dishonesty you two are already showing to your partners.
I also think you're both being incredibly selfish. I'll never understand the mind of a cheater, you're married to someone you're supposed to love till death do you part and here you are fucking a married man. Why should you both get to make the choice that you want to stay with your partners? When unbeknownst to them they're having the greatest infidelity possible committed behind their back? Surely THEY should be the ones to decide whether you two deserve to be their other half.
I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourselves and find out why you're driven to cheat on your spouses. Maybe work on your marriages before hopping into bed with the first person that shows you a bit of attention. In an ideal world you would come clean with both your partners and let them decide the outcome of this situation, it's they least they deserve from such untrustworthy and sneaky partners.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 I´d first and foremost like to say that the advice you get from the aunts here will be very straight forward so bare with us all.
Now let´s get into it...
An affair is never a good idea because hello, it´s immoral if you didn´t already know.
The problem here is that number one; you´re having an affair and number two; you want to be exclusive with your mister on the side yet honey IT´S AN AFFAIR meaning there is no exclusivity like realistically there isn´t.
The main question here is what do you want to get out of this situation? because everything that is done in the dark is always brought to light meaning; somebody´s SO WILL find out sooner or later and then what?
I mean, if you don´t love and respect your husband enough to stay faithful to him then leave the guy be. Let him go and give him a chance at happiness because for all you know, the two of you could potentially ruin both of your relationships in the process of being selfish.
When your sense kicks in, get counselling and work on your marriage or you will continue to gamble away something certain on somebody that is content to use you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 November 2017):
 He will walk away the minute his wife finds out. And she WILL find out at some point if you are meeting up that regularly because he is bound to slip up with something, or she will notice something and become suspicious. Or your husband will find out. How will HE feel?
This man has already made it plain his feelings are not involved. Men generally find it a lot easier to separate sex from feelings. He will drop you like a hot potato as soon as his wife gets an inkling of what is going on.
Where are you hoping this will lead? You are both married. You should be working at your marriage if it is so lacking that you need to go outside it to get your kicks.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (8 November 2017):
I’m with Honeypie. Ask your husband.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2017):
 Ask your husband what he thinks?
Yeah?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 November 2017):
"We are both married. But we met for coffee and there was definitely sexual chemistry. We discussed it and decided to enter into a fuck buddy style affair. Neither of us want to leave our significant others. No emotions were to be involved."
OP, read that over and over until you get how selfish that is. Do you know who's emotions are involved? Your husband and his wife's. Neither of you want to leave them, but you don't care about them either. Ironic, that.
Even more ironic is the fact that you are falling for him. It was naive of you to think you wouldn't. It's your karma because he doesn't care about you - just wants sex.
OP, you're not a teenager. You need to grow up and stop making this about you. This mess is your doing and, sorry to be blunt, but you deserve the pain until you stop being so cruel to your husband - he doesn't need to know yet for it to be harmful.
If you're too selfish to care about trying to steal him from his wife and walk away from a MARRIED MAN, at least divorce your husband, so he can find someone who won't cheat on him. Let me guess, you can't do that either because you "love" him or "need" the stability that he offers you.
OP, see a therapist. Find out why you can't be happy in your marriage and continually make the decision to cheat.
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