A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi basically just looking for some advise plz, I really don't know what to do or how to. Basically I haven't been happy with my partner we have been arguing lately quiet a lot we have a small child but the arguments ain't in front of her as he usually starts when she is asleep. Basically he is always calling me names fat, big nose, he said I look like a heroin addict with skinny arms and skinny legs, he says my daughter is gonna hate me when she's older, he tried telling her to call me names :/ in the past h has thrown stuff at me and pushed me and pinned me down. The other day he grabbed me by my face and pinned me down :( I really down want to be with him but he is refusing to leave and told me to get the police to remove him. Which I don't really want to do :( he said he going to go to the doctor's and ask the doctor because he thinks if we argue and something he doesn't like is said it's okay to put his hands on me! Plz someone give me strength and hope that I can leave :( I'm scared of loosing my daughter if I ever tell anyone about it :( my family know and they are supportive and always help me out he always makes me lave my own home to sleep at my mother's when the house isn't even in his name :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2017):
 This is not your fault and it is common for abusers to make you feel that way, that is how they get in to your head and destroy your confidence. I am glad to hear that you are leaving him and that you have family support. If the house is in your name and it is your home then you should totally call the police and ask them to remove him from your house. You really do not know how dangerous this man can be and you really need to protect your daughter from him. So call the police and also social services to see your option over childcare. He is a dangerous man and you never know what he could do to your child so put her and you first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2017): Hi Everyone I am definitely going to leave him soon, I have been talking to family and are going to help me arrange everything, I have to think about my girl and stop being scared. The other day I uploaded a new picture to FB and he called me a slag and said I'm looking for attention! I should have left a long time ago but he made me think it was my fault! How stupid of me! Thanks for all the encouraging words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2017): Ask family to have your daughter a few days and then ring the police to get him out... he is abusive in front of your daughter by trying to get her to call you names .. please don't stay you and your daughter deserve better , staying will teach her this relationship is normal and she will grow up to have the same relationship. .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2017): He asked you to have him removed by the police. If that's what it takes, that's what you must do! You are held responsible for the well-being, health, and safety of your child. If you see her as your guiding-force and the reason for your very existence; you can do anything.
It's easy for a group of strangers to sit behind their screens and say just get out of there. If it was that simple, you'd be gone by now. You fear he'll come after you, or take some sort of action to prevent you from leaving. He might hurt you!
You have to get online and find yourself a helpline or hotline you can call on a moment's notice; who can lead you to a shelter, if that becomes necessary.
You must report it to the police every-time he puts his hands on you. Yes, you call the police when he uses violence. You must file a police report and have him removed from the premises.
It doesn't matter if you provoked him. It doesn't matter if you pissed him off. He retaliated using aggressive force!!!
If you won't do this, then our advice is wasted. The safety of you and your child are at risk. Child protection authorities can remove the child; if it is determined that you and your boyfriend are incapable of protecting her, and cannot make the emotional/rational decision when to remove her from potential harm. They have no choice.
There is no magical hands-off solution; it takes a deliberate and calculated course of action to remove a dangerous asshole from your life.
If you rely on him to pay the bills; then you have to arrange for a temporary place to live for you and your daughter.
If you have alienated your family, have no support-system of friends or relatives; you will now learn from this experience how essential they are in your life.
Now is the time to mend fences and rebuild bridges. There is nobody out there with a 100% dysfunctional-family. There is always at least one relative with a conscience. It's usually pride and shame that prevents people from asking family for help. They always use the excuse they don't get along.
Bull!!! Bridges are burnt due to stupid feuds and disagreements. Stubbornness, because everyone insists on being right and holding stupid grudges. Even in the face of a life-or-death emergencies!
It's foolish not to bury the ax when you need help!
Most of the time in these situations; family and friends never liked the man of your choice anyway. So he convinces you to push them away. That's so you have no one to turn to when he knocks your brains out! So you are helpless in his hands.
I've been down this lane with lady-friends of mine; and I've seen it happening far too many times to very smart women. I'm astounded by the fact they give-in to these men so easily.
It isn't love. It's emotional-dependency. It's the fear of being alone, financial-dependency; or the jealousy that if you let him go, he'll find another woman. It's seeking someone to take care of them like delicate little creatures; even when they're educated, have their own jobs, and can fend for themselves. Some women have the notion men are supposed to "protect" women. We are, but you've got to know when you've got a good one, or a bad one! Know when to let go before things get out of hand. Especially when children are involved! Children's needs come before you and what you want. If you chose the wrong man to impregnate you; you owe to the child to correct that mistake! If he wants to continue seeing his child, then allow a court of law decide when and how. He WILL support the child financially, if by no other means!
Centering your life and existence around a man is foolish...no stupid and dangerous. It gives him the power of life and death over you. Being distanced from your family also leaves you no options, no place to go for safety, and isolates you out there in the wilderness; because many women choose having that man over anybody else in their lives. Thinking he's all they need.
Honey, all you need is God and His love and mercy. Not just a man! You have to establish your own independence before you commit to a relationship.
Plan your escape. Involve the police. Find counseling and temporary shelter, if you can't turn to family. Tuck away mad money for a cab to take yourself out of danger, if you don't have a car. Keep an emergency bag packed with clothes and toiletries for you and your child, in-case you have to leave in a hurry. If the police do become involved, call a friend or family-member where you can hideout. Do not remain there where he can comeback to harass or threaten you. Have a family-member on speed-dial when you feel threatened. Report all forms of violence to the police. A shove, choking, pinning you to the wall or the floor, or verbally-threatening to take your child. This is a threat to her safety, and should also be reported; so if she goes missing, he will be the first suspect.
May God be with you, my dear!
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (24 November 2017):
There are two charities which may be able to help you through the process of leaving your partner
Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk)
Refuge (www.refuge.org.uk)
Call one of them today
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (24 November 2017):
 The strength needs to come from wanting to PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. And yourself while you're at at- she needs her mum.
THIS has gone beyond abusive relationship THIS is a survival issue- this man is a psycho and we need to be doing more in this country to keep people like him off the streets.. so there is NO time for you to wonder if you're strong enough- you ARE- you're just scared. You need to get out NOW
Go to the POLICE. TELL THEM EVERYTHING HE'S SAID AND DONE.
You have to be a bit smart here- do not go running hysterically to the police- I would not let on because he sounds the type to lock you in and keep you gagged to stop you.. STAY CALM and play dumb until you get the opportunity to get the locks changed- if you own it. If it's council i'm not sure how you do it- go to the council/citizens advice and police and let them know you are NOT SAFE THERE where he can get in.. if at all possible get a family member to stay with you, preferably a man
Staying calm is part of your survival plan here- you need a protection plan in place.
We are not legal advisers which is why you need to go to the LAW and find out your best course of action.
if you're looking for the strength look at at like this- if you and your daughter stay with him and he hurts her (or worse) you will be partly responsible
We wish you well- let us know you're safe
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 November 2017):
 I'm sorry, OP. You need to put yourself and your daughter first, though.
If it's your house, call the police. Have your family back you up. They are not likely to take your child away, if he's so abusive.
Sometimes you need to have proof of the abuse to get help from the police or women's shelter. So please do call the police when he is physical with you and document when he calls you names, what names he called you, what happened prior to that, etc. Go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau to tell them about it and get help.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (24 November 2017):
 I am sorry that you are living this way. I have been in this situation before with a small child and it is very frightening. You need to draw strength and protect your daughter at all costs. This isn't a good life for her and you need to remove this man from your life. If its your home, have him evicted. Why wouldn't you want to do this? He is already being abusive to you. The next step will be where he actually hits you and then from there he may start hitting your child! I know, been there, done that. Go to the authorities and seek advice to have him removed. If you need a place to go, it sounds like your family is there for you. I'm sure they love you and your daughter and want you to be safe. Ask for their help. Get out sweetie, get this man out of your life before you wind up in the hospital or even worse. This isn't the kind of life to live!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 November 2017):
 You already know you need to put distance between you and this horrible man. However, this is YOUR home and your daughter's home. WHY won't you want to have him removed?
If the house is in your name (I assume rented?) YOU will still be liable for the rent if you have an agreement, regardless of whether you are living there or not. You cannot just walk away from a legal agreement. Your landlord could pursue YOU for the remainder of the rent due under the terms of the agreement. There is no point in you leaving unless you can afford to pay for this house AND another one for you and your daughter to live in.
Go to your local Citizens' Advice Bureau, explain the situation to them and ask them for advice. They will have heard it all before and will be able to tell you the best way to approach this.
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