A
female
age
51-59,
*onfussed and hurt
writes:hi to everyone, im a 43 yr old woman that has been married to a 45 yr old man for 25 yrs, we have three kids together, two of them are rasied and out on there own, the third is here with me, anyway, about a month and half ago, my husband and i had a brief disagreement, and hurtful words were said on both ends, instead of trying to work it out, he got in the car and left, not telling me anything about where he was going or when hed be back, so a few days later i had a freind of mine, take me to see if i could find him, i found him at his friends house, so i decided to try and talk to him, to see if maybe we can work on it and see if he would come back home, my son, whose 8 was with me and wanted to see his daddy, my husband spoke hurtful words to me and his friend who was definding his honor, told me to leave or they would call the cops. so i left, a few days later, he was seen running around with a woman, that is 15 yrs younger then him, and he still wont talk to me, i have since filed for my divorce, and am trying to move on with my life, but the problem is, my oldest 2 sons, have went to confront there father about how things have been going between us, and he is putting all the blaim on me, he told them that he would come back home, if i stopped nagging and yelling at him, he also said that the lady he was staying with wasnt his gf, that shes a friend, and that he didnt want a divorce, my older 2 sons, are mad at me, because i wont let there father back into my life and my home, i really dont think that lady is just a friend, and i think hes just in denail, and doesnt want my older boys to think hes run out on me and my younger son, what should i do? i dont want my kids to feel that all of this is my fault, when hes the one who left, and i did give him a chance to come back, please help, im so confussed and heartbroken, thanks!
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 First of all Im sorry you are having to go through this and that you are not getting any support.
You have to explain to your older sons that you need to be allowed to deal with this your way. They have left home and can just get on with their own lives if their dad moves back in but you are the one who has to deal with the consequences and ultimately it is your decision not theirs.
It does seem unlikely this woman is just a friend it sounds to me that he didnt have the guts to tell you about the affair but used this silly row as the catalyst to get up and leave without having to take any of the blame for himself. Which is exactly why he is blaming you now, he is feeling guilty about this and rightly so.
It is your choice whether or not you take him back but if you dont want to then you have to just stick to your guns. The older boys will learn to accept it in time, it might not be easy and you really do have to take it one day at a time with them.
My children blamed me for my first failed marriage as I uprooted them and left their father so it MUST have been my fault. They have realised their dad's true colour all by themselves without me having to say a bad word about him. I didnt feel it necesary to tell them that he beat me(and never have) but they have worked out for themselves that he is not a nice loving person and no longer blame me.
I hope your boy's will also be able to see in time that this is not all your fault but acccept that there is blame on their dad's side. x
A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 First of all: HE LEFT.
So it's not your fault, you did not hand him the car keys and tell him to get out. It was actually very immature of him to get up and walk away from you instead of trying to work things out. In marriage there needs to COMMUNICATION and he purposely cut that off.
I think you need to talk to your children; have they heard your side of the story?
I can understand why they would blame you because he's out of the house; it looks like you kicked him out and pushed him away.
HOWEVER.
You did try to talk to him and you left your door open for him to come home whenever he felt ready. He didn't take that oppurtunity and therefore, he doesn't deserve to come back.
It's NOT your fault and don't let anyone tell you any different. Go through with the divorce and move on with your life, unless he can prove to you, that you both can work things out with each other, his friend was JUST A FRIEND and he's not going to use your sons as messengers while making you look bad in their eyes.
I hope things will work out for you.
xo
scrazy
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