A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Went out new years eve to a hotel party. The hotel asked when we booked a while back if we minded sitting with other people, we said thats ok as we were by ourselves just hubby and me. Found that we were sitting with other couples and there friends. Didnt really enjoy having to make small to a old bloke who was sitting next to me so was glad when the music started. I was sitting down near the end of the night and i saw my husband look at another woman sitting opposite him who was with her bloke and her friend and her bloke. I was watching his eyes and i know he was looking at her. I looked over and she had her eyes down but her friend looked at me and had a little smile on her face. Im really truly hand on heart convinced that hubby was looking at the woman opposite as he would move his eyes but they always went back to her. He said he was only looking at me all night and she was a ugly looking bitch but she wasnt, so instead of the night ending well we argued 15 minutes after midnight so already the year has started of bad. I wasnt drunk and knew what i saw. I felt really hurt and saddened that he done that right in front of me, he could easily of looked elsewhere but he chose to keep looking at her. He only drank twp pints of lager. To me it shows he had no respect for me and enjoyed looking at her and i even said to hubby did he want a three some with her and her friend because he was looking. Told him i want a divorce because i feel he ruined the night and he didnt care what he was doinh he said i ruined the night. No man no matter how attractive another woman is should only have eyes for there partners and i know men look at women but not keep looking at them in front of there partners like hubby did to me. We have been married 19 years together 23. I was so hurt that has we walked out of the room i asked a waiter for a kiss but he only kissed me on my cheek. Hubby didnt say anything and i dont even know if he cared. He even sent a text to our kids to wish them a happy new year so its like what he done was ok and he was carrying on normal. Hubby once said to me a while back if he had to much to drink he would be anybodies then said, because he was not used to drinking and said he is to open and honest with me so how can i trust him after saying that. Am i in the wrong for how i behaved or is he. We arent talking and i feel this is the end now.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 If he's smart, he'll take you up on the divorce. NO marriage is "worth it" that one of the partners can escalate such a trivial matter to ".. I want to divorce.."
Been there; done that.... (and initiated the separation, myself....).
Good luck.... Hopefully, you will find a new boyfriend who stares only at you..... or, down at the floor.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Hello I think you're reaching the end of your tether with this relationship and for good reason. You have posted before I remember about him saying he's anybody's if he drinks too much etc. This is designed to make you insecure as was the staring all night and then denying it saying that he was staring at you when you know that's not true. Big newsflash for everyone. Talking with this man will help nothing. He wants no resolution or happy marriage, he craves your insecurity and unhappiness. Why? Because he is thoroughly abusive. Do you know about abuse? There are different kinds and sometimes abusive men will use one type (emotional, mental, verbal or physical)or mix it up. Usually they start with one type of abuse and it escalates.There are many warning signs in your post that tell me he's abusive. Telling you horrible things to make you insecure like he's anyone's if he drinks too much. Then, when you react he tells you, he's been too honest with you! Making you feel that maybe you shouldn't have reacted, now maybe he will do things without telling you etc etc. It is all designed to mess with your mind and your heart. A man who has your happiness at heart would not say something like this to you in a million years!He stares at other women. This is a ploy to make you feel insecure as was the previous comment of his I mentioned. He probably has no interest in the other woman, just in making you feel upset. If a man who is not abusive looks at another woman, it's fleeting usually and if it's bit more than fleeting, it would happen only rarely and once he realises it has upset you, he would try and make it up to you. But your husband responded by telling you something that you knew wasn't true. That he was only looking at you all night. It's a double bluff, it makes it sound like he's reassuring you, but he knows that you know it's a lie. Also talking about the other woman in that way, ugly bitch etc insulting her like that shows what a nasty piece of work he is and how he really feels about women. Taking loans out behind your back shows no respect for you and lying to you about his whereabouts and when he finishes work is designed to make you question and feel insecure. He knows what he's doing, believe me, he knows how he is making you feel and that is his aim.Feeling like you will never be what he wants and that you can do nothing right? These feelings are classic effects of abuse.I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have been through it too and your feelings and his actions are so very familiar. Please read books on the subject of abuse. The best one in my opinion is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It really helped me see what was happening and why. The first thing to understand is that your husband knows what he is doing to you, he is doing it on purpose and talking to him until you're blue in the face will accomplish nothing. He does not want a resolution, you are not dealing with a rational, reasonable, logical man, but rather one who wants your insecurity and unhappiness. Why? Because it makes you easier to control and that is his aim. Please read the books. You will see your husband's behaviour between the pages and it will set you free because you will finally understand what's happening to you. Then you can decide where to go from there. Once you have realised what he's doing, it will make it 100% easier for you to move on if that's what you decide to do.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Yes i feel insecure how i look but i don't know if its because he is making me feel like that. Ive been told im attractive and sexy by men i know i make an affort to look the best i can. He went on dating sites years ago, said he done it because he thought i was cheating on him which is just an excuse because he had no evidence i was and i think he done it because he was married and had kids so got fed up and was looking elsewhere. He went on porn sites and didnt stop even when i asked him too. This knocked my confidence about myself and maybe thats why i feel insecure because of him going on dating sites and looking at porn. You know i realise all he has done over the years is hurt me. Maybe he is just not worth staying with anymore, 19 years married or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): How does 19 years of marriage end in one night? How does eye-contact or starring constitute all-out cheating on your spouse?
You are a mature woman, and you're going to be over-sensitive to your husband looking at another woman even at a glance. That's natural. We are all protective of our chosen mates. It's the competitive primitative nature inherent in all of us. I think you are overreacting, and he didn't respond to it; because he didn't cheat on you. He has eyes, and eyes can see. If she was pretty, he's human and a man; he may take notice of it. You'd be a bald-faced liar, if you're implying you've never noticed another attractive man other than your husband.
I understand exactly that you feel disrespected; especially if his glances lingered too long. However; if you've always had trust-issues and insecurities about your own appearance; this may be the last straw for you. So if glances warrant a divorce, so be it.
You could have taken him aside and announced to him that his glaring at the lady opposite him embarrassed you, and hurt your feelings. He may have responded more considerately and stopped. Instead, you behaved immaturely and blew things out of proportion. Has your husband (and father of your children) ever cheated on you in the past? Does his history within your relationship from courtship to marriage offer any redeeming consolation? Do you know within your heart he loves you? Do you love him enough that he knows it?
Perhaps men see this situation differently. Being a gay man, where cheating husbands and boyfriends abound, I do have to take the nature of manhood into consideration. Its the behavior that counts, the depth of trust, and how you are treated within the relationship that creates that trust. If you rule your marriage purely in response to your insecurities; you may be causing yourself a lot more anxiety and pain than necessary.
Have a talk with your man. Establish the fact that your trust rests on his behavior around other women. In fact, the stability of your marriage depends on it. Don't do anything rash. You'll regret it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Im the woman whos topic this is. I don't trust him because of saying he would be anybodies if he had to much to drink. he spent all day out two days before xmas, said he was meeting his boss to see a customer but was only with him for a couple of hours yet he went out at 9am got back at 5pm. we had been arguing and said he stayed out because of that, I think hes lying. he Said he thinks he breaks up on the 22nd of december for xmas then it was the 23rd then the 24th. Been working for 19 months with the ccompany so very odd doesn't know when he finishes. He as took out loans behind my back without telling me. He said when I was telling him about looking at the other woman that if I carry on accusing him I will be sorry. What he means is that he will kill himself to prove he is innocent. He has said these words to me quite alot of times and im sick of being threatened. I do feel I have to compete with other women and I shouldn't because he does nothing to make himself better for me. I notice that he was hardly smiling on new years eve when we were dancing and even when sitting down. I always do my make up as best as I can, style my hair and dress casual and I feel no mmatter what I do I will never be what he wants. I shouldn't have to change myself for him or any man. What do you think of me asking the waiter for a kiss? I wished it was on the lips instead of his cheek. After 23 years together you would think we could just get on with life and not have to worry about the opposite sex thinking we are meant for each other but now I see thats not the case. I fancy other men but I don't do it will it makes him feel hurt and wouldn't keep looking at them like he did with her. Dont know what to do for the best now. Don't want to keep thinking I can't trust him getting hurt by him this time of life just want to feel secure and wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Im the woman whos topic this is. I don't trust him because of saying he would be anybodies if he had too much to drink. he spent all day out two days before xmas, said he was meeting his boss to see a customer but was only with him for a couple of hours yet he went out at 9am got back at 5pm. we had been arguing and said he stayed out because of that, I think hes lying. he Said he thinks he breaks up on the 22nd of december for xmas then it was the 23rd then the 24th. Been working for 19 months with the ccompany so very odd doesn't know when he finishes. He has taken out loans behind my back without telling me. He said when I was telling him about looking at the other woman that if I carry on accusing him I will be sorry. What he means is that he will kill himself to prove he is innocent. He has said these words to me quite a lot of times and im sick of being threatened. I do feel I have to compete with other women and I shouldn't because he does nothing to make himself better for me. I notice that he was hardly smiling on new years eve when we were dancing and even when sitting down. I always do my make up as best as I can, style my hair and dress casual and I feel no mmatter what I do I will never be what he wants. I shouldn't have to change myself for him or any man. What do you think of me asking the waiter for a kiss? I wished it was on the lips instead of his cheek. After 23 years together you would think we could just get on with life and not have to worry about the opposite sex thinking we are meant for each other but now I see thats not the case. I fancy other men but I don't do it will it makes him feel hurt and wouldn't keep looking at them like he did with her. Dont know what to do for the best now. Don't want to keep thinking I can't trust him getting hurt by him this time of life just want to feel secure and wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): The way your husband called her an ugly looking bitch??? I wouldn't care if he was looking at her, what a filthy way to talk!Seriously you want a divorce over him looking at somebody else?I've been in the position before where my boyfriend looks at other women and it isn't very nice but you both certainly handled all of this quite badly.I went out with my boyfriend a few months ago and we were sat by a very young attractive couple. She had long blonde hair and she was extremely pretty. I got in such a mood because I thought he kept looking at her, I even whispered in his ear to cut it out as it was making me upset.But later on I heard that girl who was sat next to us get in foul mood because she thought her boyfriend was staring at me. I had a bit of cleavage out and I honestly never noticed her boyfriend looking at me, the entire time I think the only people who were looking at each other was me and that girl with our boyfriends firmly staring at a wall in fear of us both getting upset! lol!!!After that I realised that women scan for the most attractive female in the room and sit there all night worrying that their partners are checking them out.Chill out!! My boyfriend often sits there looking around the room when we are out with his mouth hanging open catching flies, he stares at men, he stares at women, he stares at kids, he stares at an empty packet of crisps on a table. He just stares.Men stare.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): P.s Forgot the grand finale, most important part.
If he remains unresponsive (as you state)now is the time to just practice at home, invite him to a surprise private party, put a rose in his mouth (this is so he can't open his mush and spoil anything) then go for it girl. What have you got to loose starting the new year with a new attitude that will wake him up.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): Yeh I agree with competition, you ain't gonna be too hot with a sad heart, and bitter words ( even though i understand)You are special and should have reminded him and reminded yourself.Wake up the sexy lady he fell for year's ago, be happy and confident in your own skin, if he isn't interested someone else will be.Sure she will have been pretty, but sure so are you. Don't feel sorry for yourself,be a tiger and grab your man back or grab another. It's a new year, not a bad year, change your outlook and give yourself a good shake, cobwebs need to go.Have you thought about joining a sexy dance workshop like burlesque, it's good for a woman's self esteem and your husband will, you might actually enjoy it, check it out and nothing will make you feel insecure again. First be happy in your own skin, before giving hubby an ear bashing, much better to give him something sexy in the new year. Remember to enjoy what you are doing and be natural.Happy New Year.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (1 January 2016):
It is disrespectful to eye up other people when your partners there. If he couldn't help it he should have been more discreet. Whether we're single or not, it is common to notice other people that we find attractive but if you have a partner it's important to be respectful. I've been around men with their girlfriends or wives present and they've blatantly undressed me with their eyes or even winked at me!those situations were uncomfortable for me and I felt sorry for their partners. You were right to be upset, but...You did however go overboard in the way you responded. You felt hurt but trying for a kiss with the waiter and threatening divorce was abit much. Maybe you could try working on handling disagreements with your husband differently? Mainly for yourself. I have a bad habit of arguing in public with friends or partners and I end up looking bad. I'm trying to learn how to control myself in public situations involving disagreements. "Take the problem home and deal with it there" Is what I remind myself to do.And! New Year has only just started. Don't let one awful night taint things. But maybe when you're calmer you could sit down and talk to hubby about how you felt and what he can do to avoid hurting you the way he did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): This sounds childish for a relationship that's apparently lasted 20 years already...
You either trust him, or you don't. You have to decide whether you chose to be with him or if you'd both deserve to be with people who make you both happy instead of petty, pathetic arguments. Are you happy in this relationship? If not, don't stay in it. Life is far too short.
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (1 January 2016):
 No offence to the other guy who posted his opinion about you trying to seduce your husband and bring his attention back to you in order to win the 'contest' but to me that is a load of BS.
If I was out with my boyfriend and he spent the whole night looking at another girl I would be seriously annoyed.
However, you've been together for a long time and I don't think you should throw your whole marriage away over this one incident.
Anyone who has been in a relationship for 23 years may begin to get bored, their eyes may wander occasionally.
It is disrespectful, yes, but did he really do much wrong? All he did was feel attracted to another woman and do a really bad job of trying to hide it.
I know it sucks when it's your own partner getting distracted by someone else, but nobody can just ignore all their sexual/emotional/physical urges.
If I were you I would speak to him about it when you're alone and have some time to yourselves - say to him "hey! This kind of annoyed me a little and I didn't feel like you respected me the way I deserved in this moment. Care to explain?"
And I'm sure he'll give you the same kind of response I'm trying to explain now.
Your husband, from what you've described, is loyal. He is the father of your children and he loves you. You're feeling insecure because you noticed his attention was elsewhere, so call him up on that. Ask him if anything is wrong? Is he bored? Does he want more excitement in the relationship? These are all issues that can be solved, divorce is such a permanent measure.
I hope you can sort everything out, but btw don't view yourself as ever ever ever having to compete for your husbands affections with other women, no matter what other advice-givers try and tell you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): He's gonna deny it. They always do. He did disrespect you. He just turned up and entertained himself in his head and sounds like he did little to ensure (really ensure) you had a great time. Is this a regular habit of his? If it is then you need to consider what you want for your future. There's glancing and there's being distracted to the point of rudeness. Big difference.
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