A
male
age
30-35,
*Nick
writes:So, just a quick "how would you guys have handled the situation" question:Went on a coffee date with a girl from out of town on Monday. We met online and this was our first time meeting. Hit it off, stayed there well beyond what we were planning and so I asked her for a second date, she said yeah, as long as I didn't mind driving the 40 mins to see her cuz she doesn't really like driving much (I live in the middle of nowhere. 30 mins is an average drive to do something or see friends, I didn't mind)So Wednesday, I started planning our date and started seeing what there was to do in her town and saw that one of the bars in town was hosting karaoke that night. It's something I've always wanted to do, just never got around to it, and so I really wanted to do it BUT I didn't want to seem desperate or clingy or anything since, despite the fact we both hit it off, we had just met for the first time less than 48 hours prior.So instead of asking the girl I went out with, I asked my best friend (who lives halfway) and our mutual (girl) friend who lives in the town with karaoke. We all met up after work (which, by the time we drove there was like 10pm). As soon as I got to the bar I let her know I was in town (and as the conversation went explained to her the whole didn't wanna seem too eager thing). My friends said I should invite her down (which I had already done, but let her know my friends were okay with it and she wouldn't be intruding).She politely declined as she was already dressed for bed, but said she wished I would've told her earlier and she would've.I shrugged it off because I didn't think anything of it, we were still on for another date this weekend, after all, and I was having fun with my friends. But my (tipsy) best friend said he would've invited her down well before we got there, or better yet, should've just asked her to go in lieu of them and that by the way it sounds she really wanted to see me and that she wouldn't have minded it being so soon (and obviously she wouldn't have minded).Our mutual friend took a middle stance and agreed that it was too soon to outright ask her out again, but thought it was fine to casually invite her out like I did.The friend that she brought along thought that even casually inviting her out now might be too eager and that it's a good thing I didn't outright ask her out.So my question is how soon is too soon for a second date? Did I come off as a jerk for going out in her town without inviting her? I realize this may be a highly cultural thing, but I'm just looking for opinions.AND for what it's worth, everything is totally fine, got a virtual new years kiss from her and have a pretty cool date planned for tomorrow. This is merely one for me to stick in the back of my mind! Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): You always have to allow yourself time to absorb what you've learned and observed about someone on a first date. Being single and not frequently dating can often add a bit of tension and desperation that could be picked up by the other person; so you may want to allow a yourself a little time. It's the novelty of meeting someone new and getting along that will make you a little eager.
I really can't see why there is so much over-thinking. There is no right or wrong, only that you should always take a little time to allow a little self-control to settle some of the nervousness we feel meeting someone new. They can often be unnerved by it, and feel a little rushed.
Suppress any obvious eagerness, or you may push their feelings too quickly in the wrong direction. You may not find them as interesting or appealing on the second date; where they my misread your eagerness to be more meaningful than intended.
There is no formula, go by your gut. Base it on the personality of your date, the chemistry, and their emotional responses during the first date. Then pace yourself by that.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 January 2016):
 Well, here's something to stick in the back of your mind: only children and childish adults play games. If you want to see her again, you ask to see her again. There's no such thing as "too soon" or "too late". You do what you feel like doing, and by NOT asking her to meet you the message you ended up sending across was "I don't want to see you again so soon even though Im going to your town...."
But I think you saved yourself by being honest and admitting that the reason you didn't invite her along from the go was because you didn't want to seem too eager, and that you actually did want to see her. So yeah, you're safe, but next time go with your gut and not over think it or try to play cool or what not. If you want to see someone you simply ask to seem them, you don't play mind games.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2016):
 How soon is too soon?
I don't think there is a rule set in stone for that. I DO think EVERY date (in the beginning) needs a FEW days advance notice. The whole "hey I'm already here, wanna a join us?" seems... a little thoughtless. As you KNEW you were going there sooner.
10PM is definitely too late to ask if someone whom you BARELY know out. It almost like a booty call, you know... I'm in town at a bar.. wanna hang out? It can easily be construed as you hoping to go HOME with her after, know what I mean?
And some people are not ready to met the "friends" or family that soon.
So I'd say for the first couple of weeks/months STICK to planned dates. Now if you KNOW you are going to be in her town 2 days later, then sure you can ask if she wants to join.
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