A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife was married for 5 years in the seventies.Her marriage evolved into swinging.She has had sex every way you can, from anal to group sex, she was quite the party girl.Toward the end of her marriage she got knocked up to reel in her husband and thier partying ways.The story begins after they seperated and I came into the picture.At first I was turned on by her sexual experience. She only revealed tibbits of info, just enough to excite me.I fell in love for the first time and we married 2 years later.She has lead me on and pretended that I am the biggest and best lover she has ever had. But she has made statements to the contrary during arguments and conversation.She lead me to believe I was the first to have anal sex with her only to find out other wise during an argument.This was an important because I wanted to be the first at something, a bond between usand nobody else. I am tormented at night thinking of her with her 1st husband and lovers, I love her but I am jealous and can't seem to forgive her.Nowadays she could care less about sex and I blame her past for losing interest in us as a couple. I'm hurt and don't know what to do.
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male
reader, justbeingme69 +, writes (4 November 2011):
OK! all to often I hear this story of how the husband is so upset over the wife's sexual past. hell I'm one of them.
but what can you do, it's the past, you have yours and she has hers.
I was married 18 years before my wife finally answered questions about her sexual past truthfully. she led me to believe I was the first for her in anal sex, come to find out no, I was actually #5 and my fantasy of having a threesome with her as a first for both of us, HAHA, found out she had already had a FMF in a previous relationship, and other things she did, I won't even go into. so yeah, I do know what you and all the other guys out there are going through.
look you have to know that no matter what she done in the past, its the past, you can't go back in time and change it, believe me I wish there was a way, but you have to concentrate on what it is she is doing WITH YOU now, there is nothing to forgive. why torment yourself, its not worth it. believe me
with all of this thinking you are overwhelmed with the thoughts, way of balance, you need to take time to get yourself centered. get your mind off of it for a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Your feelings are you feelings, there is no way from hiding from it.
I to have a similar situation. My wife for five years reveal her sexual history to me many years ago. The funny thing is when I mention it or bring it up, she always seem to have a different story.. She lied about the number of partners.. I know this because i bump into an old friend of mine at a restaurant and he recognize her.. Days later she confessed that she slept with him along time ago... Then I started questioning her honesty.. Then I started noticing her story of her past changing from what she told me in the beginning when we first met..
I remember she told me about her first orgasm experience , and now she change the story and she said she never had and orgasm until she had sex with me.. I don't want to get into all the details but those kinds of things just angers me horrible.. I know people say forget it and let it go but it's hard knowing she keep lying. I dont like to bring it up... I just try to ignore and be quiet...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): The problem here isn't your wife's past; it's about SECURITY.One of the biggest problems with personal insecurity is that people will flippantly tell you to "just get over it", the notion being that since THEY don't have the same fears or insecurities YOU possess, you're simply being unrealistic. People seldom stop to think about how petty their OWN fears may appear to others because to them, their fears are VALID. Yours are just... well, c'mon -- get OVER it already!Another problem here (the OBVIOUS problem of both of you handling this badly) is that no matter how politically incorrect it may be to say so, Men and Women are DIFFERENT. The modern (as in 20th/21st Century) notions that we're pretty much the same is a load of garbage.Because women don't harbor the same fears men do, they tend to dismiss our fears as unrealistic, foolish and petty. To that end they say hurtful things BUT once that initial hurt is over, we're supposed to magically "let it go", just forget about it, as though it never happened.You're supposed to be confident NOT because you're the biggest or best or first, but because she's with you NOW... (/sarcasm) Odd they typically don't buy that argument themselves, isn't it?Mel Brooks once said "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."There's a great deal of wisdom in that statement. Our own pains ARE far more serious as far as our perceptions go when compared to those of others.There IS no solid advice for telling you how to get past your fears and insecurities. The bottom line is that no matter how you may feel about it, no matter how insecure you become, she cannot erase her past.That part is up to YOU.The unfortunate reality here is that by lying to you about her past (my current wife did this to me and, like you, I began to discover it when things slipped out here and there, when the stories just didn't jive) she's already set distrust in motion. It's every man's fear: If she's lying to me about this sexual aspect of our relationship, what else is she lying to me about?Once that ball gets rolling it's unbelievably difficult to stop. MOST unfortunately, if she's lied to you about sex until now, you really can't expect it to stop and, like it or not, her suddenly coming clean about every little detail and factoid will NOT fix the situation; it will only feed your fears by providing vivid imagery.Women, because their fears are different than ours, simply cannot understand -- let me say that again: CANNOT UNDERSTAND -- male sexual insecurity. While you instantly picture your wife in a million compromising positions and doing the worst things you've ever seen in pornography with countless men JUST because of every little fight, SHE lives less in fear of things like sexual inadequacy (sadly, an area where women get something of a free ride, no pun intended) and more in fear of things like you recounting happy times with a woman from your past while getting a gleam in your eye and a smile on your face she's never seen there when you're interacting with her.There's an old saying and I find it to be pretty true:Every man wants to be his woman's first, greatest and only love. Every woman wants to be her man's last and greatest.For her (depending on the actual level of affection and devotion which, no offense intended, may not be so great in your case since she's lied and seems perfectly willing to hurt you on this level) it's actually IMPORTANT that you're no longer with women of the past, but have chosen and are devoted to HER -- ergo, she really doesn't understand what the big deal is to guys when she speaks of her "gorgeous ex, who was 6'4" and athletic"; she doesn't grasp that this simple statement doesn't tell us:"Oh, it's wonderful; you're with ME now, prefer ME to HIM!"... but rather:"Geez, now all I can see is you being LOG-SLAMMED by a guy who probably had the biggest penis imaginable and you worshipped it while making every animal noise in the bestiary!"1. Avoid pornography for the rest of your life. From here on out it can only hurt you.2. Sit down and decide, really decide, whether you want this marriage to work out. IF YOU DO, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN...3. Sit her down and talk to her, really TALK to her. Try to logically and meaningfully explain how whether she likes it or not, and whether she agrees with it or not, men and women are different. Tell her WHAT your problem has proved to be; don't be afraid to tell her specifics and don't be afraid to ask her to LISTEN instead of getting worked up and thinking about what she's going to say next.Tell her that while you understand her having hidden things about her past, LYING to you most certainly didn't help because the truth has a way of coming out in the wash.Tell her that making sexually demeaning remarks, even if she thinks she really doesn't mean them, HURTS. It doesn't matter if she's only saying them because she's angry (whoever posted up above that she ONLY says this stuff because he hurts her first, you're not only grossly presumptive, you're an idiot who is unduly fortunate that breathing is an involuntary reflex) because these remarks stick with men in a way they don't women.I'm not saying such remarks don't hurt women, they most certainly do; but it's a different psychology and it's very specifically why if a man says a woman is bad in bed men immediately want to try and prove THEY can get a rise out of her, the assumption being that she simply wasn't with the RIGHT man; while if a woman says a man is bad in bed, other women giggle and avoid him. NO ONE thinks to herself "Oh, it's probably HER, not HIM".Anyway, let her know that YOU will stop asking about or bringing up the past -- but she needs to stop letting things slip or making remarks. Because if BOTH of you can't quit this (it takes two to tango) then one of you isn't enough and it's not going to work.After that, YOU stick by your word and avoid topics which lead to that; tough it out, see if she can.Good luck to you.Quirky
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): " I blame her past for losing interest in us as a couple. I'm hurt and don't know what to do."
It is NOT her past that is the problem, it is however how you've chosen to deal with her past that is the problem.
This is a disfunctional relationship, You keep blaming her "past" as the problem, and just as disfunctionally she keeps demeaning you when the two of you get into fights.
Hello ?????
If the math is correct you and her have been married for more or less 18-20 years and revert to 18-20 year old excuses to hurt each other ???
She comparing you to other men from 20 years ago? WRONG!!
You blaming her past for you're 'new found' inability to deal with her past and using it against her??? WRONG !!
Your lives as a couple started when you became a couple. You admitted you were turned on at first and now you've developed a jelously ??
Neither one of you are fighting fairly. You both need some serious soul searching and realizing how badly you both are hurting each other. Figure that out first! THen drop the excess baggage you are both carrying around.
After that is accomplished, learn to fight fair, both of you. You both need to say when something is bothering you when it happens (not 18-20 years later!) stay on topic, stick with the behavior or action and quit blaming each other's past or physical attributes.
You both can disagree without being disagreeable but you both have to learn how first.
This really is pretty simple stuff.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): You two should try not to bring sex into your arguments. People often say things they do not mean, and any off the cuff remark about sexual performance or the like can be extremely damaging to a persons self-esteem. Furthermore, sex is not something you should put on a pedestal. There are plenty more important things in life. Focus more on the reasons you fell in love with her. I learned long ago that allowing yourself to get hung up on things like sex just causes headaches. Think bigger picture. Sex is not everything. It should be thought of as something you do for fun with the one you love. I have been in your shoes before, and I think this is something you should really consider working on. Enjoy life with her and accept that she has imperfections just like everyone else in this world. By the way, the 70's was a strange time in history. Many people have purple years.
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A
male
reader, pyan  +, writes (18 January 2010):
hi
i agree with ti6er me and my wife did most things when we where together and we learned together. my new g/f is great in bed she does thing to me that i always wanted my wife to do as normal stuff and she dose them because she want to please me and i do things to her. however i used to get worried about that she would have done these things before, with other guys she was married for 27 years but stray 3 times due to her hubby not looking after her mind more than eanything.
so yes when you take on a second hand one you need to say thats behind youor it will drive you mad
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 January 2010):
She says those things just to hurt you back for whatever hurtful things you say to her. For example, if my husband called me a slut, I would retort the most hurtful thing that I know would cut him down to size. Things were obviously not that wonderful in her previous life otherwise she wouldn't have left it. Try work on your marriage and get some counseling for both of you.
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A
male
reader, Ti6er +, writes (18 January 2010):
When you started seeing her, knowing that you were not the first guy to sleep with her, did you really thought that you would be the first guy to actually do anything sexually with her? There's no way that anyone can be the first person to do anything sexually with another person that has already had a relationship, let alone been in a marriage.
I've been with my ex-wife for 10 years and been married to her for 7 years. I made sure I was her first for everything since we were both highschool sweet heart. We were both virgins and I made sure I turned her inside out sexually. Now that she left me, I've heard mention from her boyfriend that she has done this and that with him and that she told him he was the first. I just laugh in his face and tell him to believe his old wife's tale.
My wife now has been with 2 other lovers before me. She had a kid before I met her, she was also like your wife now, mention her past here and there, during arguements and when she's drunk. I get mad about it thinking I should've been the first to do this and that with her, but when I realize the situation, it makes me happy to know that I wasn't and that everything I do with her is memory that I will cherish. Simply because me and my ex-wife were virgins we tried lots of things together but it took a while to get her used to just regular intercourse. It took me quite a while and patient to work with her about it.
But my current wife was so experience that she would just do it without a thought because she has already done it before and just knowing that she's willing to do it with me show me that she loves me and care about making me happy.
That's exactly what you should be thinking about, having her give you part of her and share with you sexually experience you may not ever be able to get from another girlfriend or wife. BUT, if she's not doing it with you, then yeah, you have some problem you got to work out with her.
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