| A
male
,
*.s.oliton
writes: The thing is: there is this girl - a student of mine. I notice things about her that I shouldnt: well I have always noticed things I shouldnt about various girls I am just.. well very aware of the female species lets put it that way. However with her it is different. Its not just about her appearance, well she is pretty stunning but its not just that. I notice little things about her too like when she smiles her eyes light up and almost twinkle, and how witty she is, the way she smiles when I do, the warmness of her presence, how soft and gentle her voice is. I remember little things about her too like when she gets up in the morning, which subjects she likes which teachers she likes... etc... and I find myself gazing in her direction alot of the time (she sometimes catches me) I have a soft spot for her and she knows it lol and takes advantage of it at many oppurtunities... I never really noticed how fond of her I was until she abruptly stopped seeing me after school hours about work: I realized that I missed her. I am not sure how I feel about her. Whether it is because she is a good student or maybe because she is perhaps the only student who gives me the time of day.. I am not sure if she fancies me back. I think she might. What makes this more difficult and confusing is that I have a girlfriend - Tracy who I love very much but at the moment I am starting to see her differently. Once more my student is only 16 and I am 46. Am I fallign for her? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): If I were you, I would try not to think about her. Not only you're much older than her, plus it's illegal as a teacher to date your student.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): Honestly, reading this has made me feel uncomfortable and worried for safety. She is at most 6 years past puberty. She's only beginning her life. She's still in school. You won't have life experiences in common. You won't have perspectives in common.
I regret getting involved with older men when I was younger and I resent them for it. She's young and naive and will probably be flattered by your attentions and she might go along with things but you would be bad for her. She needs to develop along with other young people who are in her life stage and who can relate to her.
As do you, with more mature people in your life stage. Therapy might be a good option because you do seem to be preoccupied with whether or not she might fancy you back and that sounds scarily like you might consider going for it. You need to at least look at why you're interested in someone younger and look at your current relationship and your life.
You sound like your self esteem isn't great at the moment so maybe you need to focus on that for a while. Would it be possible to take time out from work? It might help you get your head around things and look at this more objectively
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Open-minded?
...............................
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 What the hell do you TEACH? Certainly, you have no affinity for spelling or Grammar.
You are no teacher.
Your fraudulent blather is exposed by your lack of ability to construct a coherent sentence. And, if I might be so bold as to mention, the tiny button listed toward the top side of the computer called spell-check, might elicit a relief from your own lack of ability.
One would expect even a crossing guard to have grammatical standards far superior to those you have demonstrated.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 December 2006):
 You are not a 46 year old teacher, you are the 16 year who has the obsession with her teacher and who keeps posting this same scenario here over and over again. You refuse to believe it's just a school girl crush even after being told that each time you've posted. You need to have more homework assigned...too much time on your hands.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (10 December 2006):
You do not strike me as a very mature 46. Nothing about your letter suggests that you are a 'grown-up' in a position of responsibilty. I think what is happening here is a typical case of a midlife crisis. An attempt to recapture the heady days of youth and freedom that this girl represents.
Watch 'American beauty' to see what I mean. This brainstorm will pass, at least I hope it does for the sake of your family, yourself, this young girl and your career.
x
...............................
A
female
reader, VictoriasSecrets +, writes (10 December 2006):
 The first thing you need to think about is your reputation and your career, she may be very attractive indeed, but you have a rep to protect. I realise that girls this day and age are matureing a lot more quickly than they used to, kids as young as 14 are getting into nightclubs. I think that you need to change your way of thinking, or if not then maybe you are in the wrong job?. If anybody ever got wind of your secret desires you could find yourself in a hell of a lot of trouble, I am guessing that you are a lovely man, and that you are just feeling a little confused right now, maybe your relationship with Tracey needs a little spiceing up??? There is nothing wrong with a bit of attraction, but in your case this could be fatal. What ever you do, please make sure that you do not cross the line. I have just read your follow on comment, and I think that this girl is totally oblivious as to your feelings for her, she is a 16 year old girl, regardless of how old she may come across to others. She may have a little crush on you, I remember having a crush on my maths teacher, and my gym teacher, but thats all it is. I think you need to back off and let her get on with her life and you need to get on with yours with Tracey, maybe you are seeing things that just arent there??
...............................
A
male
reader, t.s.oliton +, writes (10 December 2006):
t.s.oliton is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRecently, things have gotten ever more complicated - I think I am, on the way to a nervous break down. I was feeling a little low from her lack of her attention and appraisal and so well I thought of ways to win it back: work wise etc.. (No not editing grades in response to one comment, I would never do that, I dont need to she is a very good student, partly why I am attracted to her, her ambitious nature, she would be angry if I did lol) well as much as this seemed like a good plan it didnt really make much difference. (Cant buy love and all) So well I did something I am not proud of - there is this student in my class who is well lets say 'attention seeking. I started focussing entirely on her and I stopped giving my other student any attention and just ignored her to such an extent she had to go to another teacher to ask for help. She was very jealous, whether this means she fancies me I am not sure. A week afterwards she came to see me and was nice to me for the first time in a month. Does this mean she fancies me?
...............................
A
female
reader, iheartmakeup +, writes (9 December 2006):
 I don't think it's right that your falling in love with her, you need to focus on your job. You do want to keep your job don't you? If your actions, get caught and they are not welcome by this student. You could get in serious trouble. Anyway you have a girlfriend, I hope you don't want to risk losing her over your student?
I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006): Leave her alone, I have a daughter who is with someone 30 years older than her,she is 22 and he is 52, they met when she was 16 and she was at school. I am her mother and he is older than me. It has split up her family although I am still here for her,no one else is.
Both my husband and I were teachers untill we moved to Spain 3 years ago.
I have 4 daughters and Claire, the one that went off with the old man has been kicked out of the familly and they wont have anything to do with her.
Although she says she loves him I still think that what he has done is not fair on her.
So PLEASE think of her before you do anything stupid that could ruin both of your lives.
Hopefully Jan
...............................
A
female
reader, Nyx +, writes (6 December 2006):
 ...and by gosh, it would be best if you did not mention anything about her attractiveness until she has graduated and is legal to avoid in any potential problems.
Many adolescent girls think it'd be lovely if their feelings were reciprocated, but honestly, ... their view for that individual (or teacher/professor) will change if it does. Whether they admit it to themselves or not, some will see it as a weakness that the person of authority has decided to let these feelings get the best of them ... and their career.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nyx +, writes (5 December 2006):
Judging from what you have written, I'd say this is only a simple harmless attraction or infatuation... unless you act out your feelings, then some obvious problems will arise - how this will strain your relationship with your girlfriend, legal age of consent, whether teacher-student relationships are permitted, etc.
I think the reason why you may feel this way towards your student is because she brings out good characteristics in yourself that you admire or fulfill the empty areas in your life such as recognition, respect, trust and so forth. Especially, if you are in a position of authority, there's nothing better than getting good feedback from your followers. And personally, there's nothing wrong with liking other for the way they make you feel, and this is how most people become smitten with other people in the first place! However, infatuations are not to be confused with the real concept of love. Furthermore, from my experience, numerous people will always find others attractive, even if they are in a committed relationship. Yet having this feeling does not mean they are any less faithful to their partner (though different if they are irresponsible enough to act upon it and ruin their commitments).
I'm sure you still would like to stay with your current girlfriend, but you're wondering what you should do with this student? So for the moment, I'd suggest you admit to yourself that you find this student attractive and simply leave it at that. Ask yourself what deep characteristics about this individual that makes them so appealing? Is she caring and attentive? Does she inspire some of your youthful inclinations? Or like the mentor and the protégé, do you feel empowered teaching her what she doesn't know? Then maybe you can find the same characteristics in your own girlfriend, or if not, just appreciate the student for it. Or befriend her after she's completed her class or someone that does.
On the other hand, if you are thinking about leaving your current girlfriend for this girl .... then this will be a very, very different situation. I would like to go into more details, but just consider this as a rule - don't date your students while they are still under your supervision. Most people especially youngsters can't separate their work and relationship feelings towards an individual especially in the learning environment. If you are considering this option, please keep this updated. I do have more to say on this matter.
One more thing, try to avoid treating her differently than the rest of your students and playing 'favorites'. I'm just afraid that since you have stated "I have a soft spot for her and she knows it lol and takes advantage of it at many opportunities..", this could put you at several possible disadvantages.
a.) She could use you to boost her grade. Many female students are prone to flirting or fawning with their male teachers and professors in order to gain the upper hand.
b.) The other students could see this specialty treatment unfair to the rest of the non-favorites, and use it aganist you. They may ask you questions like "How come we aren't given the extra slack like her?"
c.) Or if she rejects you, consciously or not, you may tamper with her grades or learning. Thus create an uncomfortable tension between the two of you.
d.) and so on.
Overall, feel free to be friends with her, but just make sure there's a thin, professional line where she doesn't pass until she is no longer your guidance.
Best Wishes,
Nyx
...............................
A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 I think you have idealised her as we sometimes do in a platonic way to some people, at your life point I think this could be to do with an idealisation of teen years and how you would like to go back to them and be completely happy and enjoy it very much. I think you have the lolita syndrome babe and that you wouldn't like to be with a teen in many ways, you would really miss Tracy all ways however sweet this 16 girl is you know she probably has the talking parrot syndrome, talks hours on the phone, wants to mess around with blokes her age...I would leave it platonic as reality would mget you into a nightmare
bye
...............................
A
female
reader, honkifuluvnicole +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Wow...I wish you were the teacher that I am in love with...this is the situation me and many others are in, only the other way around. We are all madly in love with one of our teachers, and we dont know if they feel the same. Anyways, onto your problem...you know, I thought I would say that this is really cool, because it gives us hope, but now that I think about it, I dont know how I feel about it. Its nice that you have a soft spot for her, but that isnt fair to the other students. And I dont think your girlfriend would be very happy about you thinking about a 16 year old girl. But if you really think that you love her, then you need to do something about it. Whether it be talking to her, or maybe therapy...not saying that you are crazy or something, but maybe that could help.
It sounds like you actually are falling for your student, and based on her personality, you need to confront her about it in the way you think is best.
I wish you luck. And let us know what happens.
Xxx
...............................
|
