A
female
age
,
*ock chick
writes:last week was my nephews 18 birthday celebration. my 2 daughters declined the meal making excuses. whilst we were having our meal my daughters were outside with my grandson in a procession that was happening. we had no idea.the next day on Facebook they put a photo on Facebook showing they were outside with my grandson. i commented that i was upset that they had told a lie about why they hadn't come to the 18th. or come into the restaurant or let us know they were in the same area as us and i don't get to see him very often. my mother (their grandmother) was with us and they never see her often.now all hell has broke loose. i've been told i shouldn't have commented making it public and i am now barred from seeing my grandson.i am a horrible mother, spiteful and evil.my daughter aged 25 with the baby is saying i never bother with him anyway. and i never bother with them either. her partner has written nasty things about me and so has she. my youngest daughter 23yrs lives with me and makes my life hell. never pays board as she stays between me, her bf and her dad. she has messaged me (as I've not seen her since saturday) saying I'm horrible and never think of her and her sister etc.i'm at my wits end. my grandson is only 11 months old and i was suppose to look after him this week, and she's stopped me from doing so.
View related questions:
facebook, grandmother, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Rock chick +, writes (2 April 2016):
Rock chick is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm damned if i do and I'm damned if i don't on all counts.
my daughter won't let me take my grandson to see my own mother (75yrs) and my sisters......yet everyone else can see him. i suppose as my mother smacked me when i was little, she may do so again....oh and my ex husband really did almost commit suicide, but i saved him in time and he pushed me during an argument......now, would he do that again - grandson involved in his life no problem...
i just feel i have to choose now - and the scenarios are -
me , no family, no partner = daughters
me, family, no partner = no daughters
me , no family, no partner, no daughters
i would never hurt my grandson nor would i hurt my daughters - yet i am hurt and have been for years
A
female
reader, Rock chick +, writes (2 April 2016):
Rock chick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i can see where you are coming from. firstly the car wasn't moving and she has screamed at me more than i can mention here. all my family and friends (and me too) know he isn't like that at all - never ever done that before. yet my daughter's have had me crying a lot in the past.
im not making any excuses at all. i didn't want him to do that and i have never wanted my daughter to be shoved out.
i am in a period of deciding what to do now. we have a business we run together and he has helped me lots in the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2016):
 Choose your daughters.
Sorry, maybe I am being insensitive... I do realize that behind this there are years of tensions, misunderstandings and bad blood,.... that you are sort of put between a rock and a hard place by the differences between your daughters and the other members of your family, so it's not something that you have done and logically you don't want to get involved... I understand that this is a very painful situation for everybody.... but then , I stop understanding. Honestly, there are some things I can't understand, I just can't wrap my head around them:
Like, what ? Your partner gets mad at your daughter ( for something that's also none of his business ) and he throws a rock... at a moving car ! That's absolutely irresponsible ! He has been lucky- and she too. Rocks don't always land where you throw them, in a fit of fury : he could have broken her windshield. Or,quite possibly the surprise and the shock could have made your daughter lose control of her vehicle. She could have smashed her car- or her face. She could be in hospital by now. She could be dead.
Your daughter DOES have consideration for you, because she went to the police just because of the car damage- she could have pressed charges for assault, easy as pie !
Sorry, I would not want to be a bitch with a mother in pain, but, frankly, if you feel it's normal that your parner of 8 years ,when he "loses his temper " threatens physically, in fact actually throws stones at a girl who's been your DAUGHTER for the last 23 years....then it is also very normal that the relationship with said daughter is so rocky ( no pun intended ).
Oh btw : even if it was not a big stone- even if it had been just a pebble- or some gravel, even- then it is less dangerous of course , but still an unacceptable , unforgivable aggression .
As for the other daughter not wanting her child to stay over at your place- the surprising thing is that you are surprised ! You are a mom too, what do you expect ?... Young children can be very tryng for anybody's patience, what if your grandson throws a big tantrum one of these times - and your partner " loses his temper " ? What will he do, will he bang a fryng pan on the kid's head ?....
...............................
A
female
reader, Rock chick +, writes (2 April 2016):
Rock chick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh, thank you for your replies. I have only managed to get back on here and reading it all is still hurtful.
Between this time and now, I have made it up with my daughters, only to have them do it again.
I was told, last week, when i looked after my grandson, not to take him to my mums or any family ...so i didn't (pathetic i know)
then my younger daughter started telling me i should "stick up for her" between my niece and her (they had a bit of a row that evening).
I lost my temper and asked for my key back, saying i didn't want to get involved and for her to see her cousin. (this is all about the tension between my family and my daughters).
My partner of 8 years , lost his temper with my daughter as she had locked herself in her car and was driving off....no key given.....he picked up a bit of stone and it hit her front bumper. I know she was shocked and i didn't want that. He has now made her move all her stuff out.....my eldest hasn't yet said, (this time) i can't see my grandson, but she has said he can't stay with me ever again because of my partner. & i have found out, she has reported him to the police as they say he damaged her car (which i can honestly say, he didn't.)
She hasn't said i can't ever see my grandson again , but i am feeling so ill and upset again.
I know what they are doing but i am feeling torn between them and my partner. My partner never treats me the way they do....but they are my daughters. They are almost making me choose between my family and them and then my partner and them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): That's the same case at my home my mummas going through all this and I found a way out for her
Here you can start a small job that keeps you busy or a hobby which you had been waiting for years but for them you couldn't get it done
Try to keep yourself busy
It'll just give you happiness
Don't think about matters that irritate you
Think about the happy moments which you had spent with them
It'll make you feel better
Don't see the bad part see the good part
Think and imagine that everything's fine between you and everyone
And I'm sure sooner or later they will come back to you apologizing for their mistakes
-N.S
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (18 September 2015):
 Hi,thank you for replying and letting us know what happened in your life, within your marriage.I know it must be very hard and painful for you, to have to bring, all of this information up again.I have read your msg and i fully understand what you're saying, however, i would say to you, no matter how long you'd been with your husband and no matter how hard, bossy, dominant and tough he was, 'YOU' are still in control of yur own life and i suspect that the woman you've now grown into, would never have tolerated, nor put up with your husbands antics back then.We always see the facts, the realities and what we could have done sooner in hindsight. Moreso, what we wished we'd done sooner, however, we cannot change what was, but we can be in full control of our lives, as of this minute and beyond.We can learn and grow from our respective pasts.I am sorry to hear that you went through so much emotional abuse, however, you are better off away from that situation and if your grown children don't understand, show little compassion, nor empathy for you as their mother, then there is really nothing you can do about that.Hopefully with time, they'll come around and they will come to see that you did nothing against them, but for them.Parenting is a difficult job, even when things are going relatively smoothly, let alone, when times are tough/rough.I do wish you all the very best and try not to worry too much, about what you have 'NO' current control over.Simply get on with your life, your hobbies and your friendships with those who truly respect, love and appreciate you for who you are, not for who they expect you to be.Good luck! :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Hi,
Thank you for the follow up. Believe me you are entitled to every cent of that income from your ex, and then some.
Your daughters are emulating their father and being a mouth piece for his resentment. Time to let them stand on their own two feet, and for you to not feel an ounce of guilt if you choose to do some nice things for you.
Your children are adults.
You can perhaps start thinking about where would like to live, if you want to stay where you are, or move to somewhere more pleasant.
Think about your finances for when the money from the ''16 years'' runs out. Are there any hobbies you enjoy that you could turn into a small earner on Etsy?
Are there some things you wish you'de tried? Bungy jumping? A hot air balloon? A half a day at a DaySpa (my personal favourite)
This really is your time, from now on.
Forget about offering entertain your daughters. You've already offered one too many times.
Put some joy back into your life. Because right now your girls are not interested in being warm loving daughters. Yes that is a very sad summation of the situation.
Only a few people can truly love you. A few more may really like you a lot. Lots may or may not be able to find time for you as often as you'd like but they can still find the time to see you casually and they do.
But the one thing all the people above do need to show you is Respect.
Your daughters lack respect for you.
I suspect that their father has been feeding them this disrespect for years.
Tell your non-paying daughter to return your keys. She is old enough to find her own place. Right now she has no intention of paying a cent to you, to help cover the cost of providing for her needs
Or better still, if you can afford it, and if the property belongs to you, then change the locks.
Do not tell your family of your intentions, before you choose to do each nice thing for you. You do not need the ''approval'' of your ungrateful daughters. Because sadly your daughters are emulating the behaviour of your ex-husband and are abusedly imposing the same controlling behaviour that drove you and your ex apart.
Step out of the equation. When your own grandchildren grow up they too may choose to step away from their controlling parents.
Lead by example.
Even if your controlling daughters throw abuse at you for being:
''mean''or ''selfish.''
You will be neither mean nor selfish. Instead you will be taking control of your own life.
You have been a wife, a mother and a grandmother. And in doing so you have suffered hardship, abuse and distress.
So now is your time to enjoy some ease, consideration, joy and respect. You may have to look outside of your own family to find that ease, consideration, joy and respect.
Surprise yourself and your family by doing some nice things for you. They do not need to be expensive. Even a walk in a beautiful garden can be uplifting. A swim in a nice pool. Joining a local group to learn how to make something, do something or just enjoy the company.
Volunteer to achieve something in the community.
If you choose to go away for a weekend then just go off and enjoy yourself. Feel the freedom of not needing the approval of your ungrateful daughters to do so.
Do not leave a key for someone to enter your home while you are away or you may find a disrespectful person has visited your home and ''borrowed''things.
Practise putting you first for once in your life. Engage in assertive behaviour. Ask for what you want.
Such as:
''(your daughter's name) when you consistently refuse to accept my invitations to share a meal with me in my home and exclude me from family events I get the impression that you are not interested in spending time with me.
When that happens it makes me feel hurt and disrespected, and that hurt is doubled when I hear you assert that I never 'do anything with nor for you'.
In future I am not going to offer to you any more invitations to meals at my home and instead I intend to concentrate on spending time with people who do enjoy my company and who do want to socialise with me and do want to treat me more respectfully.''
It is going to be scarry to start to rebuild your life, but you can do it and you can reap the rewards and learn to assertively
take your life in new directions. You will learn to ask for what you want. You will learn to say, ''NO'' and mean it.
You will learn to recognize and step away from abusive, controlling and manipulative people.
You will uncover a much happier person (you) if you can learn to negotiate these uncharted waters. To discover the things, outside of your own family, that give you joy and bring you happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Rock chick +, writes (16 September 2015):
Rock chick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your thoughts and advice. I haven't been in touch with either of them (i know its early days) but the last thing i did say is that i loved them and didn't want to loose them from my life. My marriage to their father was very domineering and he would question me in front of them about my reason for telling them off during the day, he threatened me with social services, controlled money and wouldn't let my relatives take them for a walk when they were babies, without his say so. I couldn't buy their clothes or get their hair cut without his say so either. In the end, when i'd had enough i was leaving, but he tried to commit suicide and i found him unconscious - i stayed with him for another 6 years , but when i did leave , i was scared to take my daughters, but had to go to court to get equal (or better) contact. It's been so difficult. I left him with the house, car, money and he eventually got me some money to start again. (after 16 yrs of marriage). He now moans about the fact i'm entitled to 16 yrs of his pension and says all this in front of them...then they have a go at me to let him just have it! They keep saying i don't do anything with them, but i've asked them to come for meals with their partners, go shopping etc. and they refuse. I can see I have been a door mat, but when you meet someone at 14 -15yrs old who is controlling and you're with them for over 25 yrs you get to become one.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (16 September 2015):
Hi,every previous reader, has pretty much summed it up in full, especially Abella! I was going to say the very same things to you, but as they've been said, all i will add, is that you need to step back for sure.By trying to plead with them, by trying to get their attention, by worrying needlessly, it's only 'YOU' who will suffer AND guess what?! That's what your daughters want!Stay away from childish and toxic energy and right now!Although they're your children and you obviously love them, they're causing you grief and unnecessary suffering, but only if 'YOU' allow it to affect 'YOU'.Do your own thing, keep busy and get involved in things that make 'YOU' happy.Get on with your life and if/when they decide to approach/talk to you, make amends with you, they will let you know and you won't be so accommodating, although still loving.All the best and let me know how you get on. :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 September 2015):
Sorry to hear that my dear.
However, I am old school. You have done your job raising your kids. Let them go. The world is waiting for them...and that great teacher called LIFE has open classes for us all.
They have kids...and I was raised to believe and it has been proven all around me...The way you treat your parents, is exactly the way your own kids will treat you...even worst.
So let them be...and when they come asking for help...remind of their disrespect...but help them...because your grandson will be the one to teach the lesson.
LIFE is patient...it will wait for years before it decides to give you a good spanking...And bet your last dollar...it will not forget, and sure as sunshine, it will teach a lesson they will not forget.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2015):
It's a very tough call, but my feeling is that it demeans you to grovel in front of a person who is being deliberately unkind, rude and unjust to you.
Don't be so needy for their approval, respect when they are excluding you and showing you scant respect.
Step back.
Learn to put you first.
Do not be part of their Facebook shenanigans.
Get on with choosing to do things that make your life enriching.
As painful as it is, sometimes it is only when they can see that you don't need them that they are likely to come back to you.
If they could not afford to attend the meal (at their own expense) then they should have said so.
Start letting your daughter know that you are not running a motel.
Set out some groundrules. It costs you money to accomodate your daughter. She is old enough to contribute to that cost.
How long since you went on a holiday somewhere nice with you? Put aside some money and treat yourself.
You have been a mother to your children and a supportive daughter to your mother.
Now it is ''be kind to you Year''.
You should not be a doormat.
Children and grandchildren are not trophies and they are not possesssions.
If your daughters merely allow you to see your grandchildren for free babysitting then let them know that you miss their company too. Then leave the ball in their court.
Start your ''Grand mother'' journal. Don't mention this to your daughters.
You don't need to write in it every day.
Say nothing negative about your daughters in it.
Instead write a short paragraph whenever you want to share some wisdom with a grandchild.
Or reminisce in a short account of something you recently achieved.
Remember things in a short paragraph of something you were proud of when you were a girl, a teen, a young mother.
Even if your daughters exclude you or are rude to you, one day your grandchildren can get to know the real you from your journal.
Get busy. Join a gym. Sign up to learn a new skill. Volunteer in the community - perhaps where there are young mothers and children.
While your daughters are allowed to disrespect you things will not change. Be pleasant to them. But concentrate on ensuring that you are busy and fully occupied in your life.
So that if they choose to want to see you they may find that you have grown and filled with activities and with interacting with others.
Only when your actions show that your life is busy and fulfilled are they likely to crave you and time with you.
Also do not lend your daughters any money. You are not a bank.
I say this as emotional abuse is often present when financial abuse starts in a family. Ensure that your own mother is not similarly abused.
Now is your time to enrich your own life, enjoy your life, be around people who want your company and improve your confidence in you as develop stronger self esteem and stronger relationships that are two-way not one way in the interactions.
Being constantly disrespected by a person or persons is no way to live. Stepping away for a while will help you to see more clearly that it is unacceptable behaviour on the part of some family to behave in this way.
By changing your reactions and your behaviour you address the issue far better than pleading with the uncaring.
Be prepared for your daughters to label you as ''selfish''. When that happens you will know that you are looking after you better.
Being a doormat is no way to live.
One day, when they are older, your grandchildren will read your journal and realize how often you thought of them and how much you care about them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Back off. Just back off, and let them all be. You need something important to do with your time; and to keep you busy while your daughters soak in their drama. They've learned this behavior from somewhere.
When you see you can't win with people, you remove yourself from the situation to keep the peace. They can't hurt you if you're not in their way. They are punishing you with passive-aggressive behavior; and it is meant to put you in a tissy. They know you better than anyone else; and they also have some unresolved issues with you from childhood.
I know all this drama isn't from some single incident.
They post on Facebook. So you get to see your grandchild on Facebook; until everything settles down. They want to see you suffer, so don't give them the satisfaction.
Advice can only be limited in these situations; because they are one-sided stories, and volatile family issues.
Two daughters have turned on their own mother. That's odd.
...............................
|
