A
female
age
26-29,
*x-lilmiss-xx
writes:Dear Cupids, I need a bit of help and dont know where to run. To cut a long story short Ive been with my partner (lets call him Steven*) for 2 and a half years, we have a 9 month old little boy together. During the first month or so after having our little guy, he was such an amazing dad, since then hes been a nightmare. Hasnt done a single bottle or fed him dinner in months, neither has he done a nappy change or gets up through the night. Ive asked for help countless times, never to any avail. When i was 5 months pregnant he kissed my then best friend, i also figured out last week within the past couple of months too while i was away visiting family, he had his ex round our house and she spent the night in my bed. Apparently they just kissed... But somehow i dont believe it. Hes also admitted to a shared friend of ours (We'll call her Sheridan*) that he liked her, and when they were together Steven wanted to kiss her. But while all of this is going on and he's pleasing himself, im stuck looking after a child on my own, cleaning the house, cooking dinner for the family. Young as i may be, ive devoted my life to this guy. Never go out the door, never ask for anything, It was my birthday yesterday and i never got a happy birthday, a present, nothing. When i confonted him about his ex and Sheridan, all he said was 'you know i love you but have you ever heard of the saying "you want what you cant have" its like that' But what i dont understand is, if he truly loved me like he apparently does, why would he kiss his ex and want to get with other females? I constantly make an effort within myself, makeup, new clothes, hair dye, the lot just to get a 'you look nice' or even anything, but i get nothing. I feel so low about myself its untrue. I literally hate every aspect about my body and he doesnt do anything to help, he just calls me chubby constantly. Yet he calls lots of other girls 'hot, beautiful, pretty' and it just makes me feel worse that he can say it to everyone else apart from the one person hes meant to be saying those things to. I dont know what to do, despite everything i still love him with everything i have, but i keep feeling hopeless, worthless, not good enough for anyone and depressed (im taking anti-depressants) Does anyone have any suggestions on what i can do? Id like to stay with him, even if it is just for the sake on the baby. Tips on how to impress a guy? What i can do to make him realise im screaming out for help, love and affection? I just really dont know. If anyone can help me to try to understand him and his actions, please do. It would honestly mean the complete world to me. Thanks so much,Jo
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best friend, depressed, his ex, I love you Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): I agree with So Confused. You need to EXPLORE ALL Options. Best Mates? Cousins? Anyone near by parents looking for roommates? TRusted family know anyone looking for roommates?
This is emergency mode. You HAVE to get proactive, meaning do things for yourself.
Ask Mom & Dad and give a 6 month rule. You need time to get back on your feet.
Keep asking, looking. Go to local churches and ask if they have agencies to refer you to for your situation.
Something, anything. GET OUT, thats your MAIN goal.
Then work on a plan AFTER this is accomplished. Get SAFE ASAP.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I am so sorry your father is ill.
Have YOU ASKED your parents if you can come home with the baby? You may be surprised at what they say. A baby around may give your dad a reason to get well faster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): I'm sorry to hear about this difficult situation. Unfortunately I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay with him.Basically he's admitted that he isn't attracted to you or to the idea of living out the rest of his life in the traditional family life with you. I don't think you should hold someone 'hostage' to you just because you two share a child because this isn't going to be fair to you, and he will be unhappy and thus make you unhappy too. As is already the case.I think you should split up from him, work out a formal co-parenting arrangement so he can (and should) still be involved in your child's life as the father and develop a relationship with his child, but basically release him from having to be a committed life-partner to you. Because he's made clear he doesn't want that with you, so it's no use trying to get him to change his feelings, this isn't something you should be having to force. You should instead look forward to finding someone else who will love you and appreciate you just the way you are and who will willingly want to commit the rest of his life to you.
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A
female
reader, xx-lilmiss-xx +, writes (30 November 2011):
xx-lilmiss-xx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys,
In regards to So Very Confused,
I moved in with him about 3 - 4 weeks ago, before that it was long distance with him living an hour away by train. I cant go back to my parents' because its only a small house, and my father is extremely ill, and i just figure it wont do him much good to have me and the little one in the way of him trying to recover, as you know, babys arent quiet! What do you think i should do?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
NEVER stay with someone just for the children. My children told me years after the divorce how happy they were that mommy and daddy didn't fight any more.
you are so young...are you living on your own with him?
can you leave and go home to your parents?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Because he's a selfish, narcissitic, self absorbed Guy that think if he's honest or partially honest about the things he says and does, then he can live guilt free that he is sleeping around on you.
He doesnt care if he is hurting you because he ONLY cares about himself. PERIOD.
He has no REMORSE meaning, he is one of those rare people who don't feel sorry for anything they do. The don't know what it is to be hurt.
They Mimic what healthy people feel and say but they really dont' care.
Hello Sociopath!
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/10/charmer-abusers-and-their-prey.html
Please seek some COUNSELLING ASAP because you are going to need help in sorting out why you would stay with such a young man, attack those deep rooted fears and insecurties- make your weaknesses into strengths. Learn, Grow, Heal, Recover and with it Wisdom will increase as will self love and then you won't fall prey to such slime bags.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): I am sorry ... this really is no fun at all for you. It is worse than that. It is pretty much like torture, day in, day out.
I know you want to stay around for your baby, and I know you actually just want to be happy with the father of your child, but I am afraid he isn't going to change.
Basically the only thing you could do that would make him want you properly, and try to please you, would be to withdraw a bit so he feels he hasn't got you the way he once had. All men are like him to some degree, but he is quite bad - he needs the thrill of the chase/the promise of something he can't have.
So, everyone will tell you to get over him and leave him. But I will say: first of all change your tactics. Yes, dress up, look good, etc, but for yourself or others - not directed all at him. Don't give him everything on a plate. Try to be a bit distant - in a breezy, happy, 'I'm sorted' kind of way. Don't look to him for making you feel good. Join a health club and start going every day, with the baby. Do stuff that doesn't involve him. Start to be more independent.
You won't change him, but you will feel better, and he might start to think a little.
Personally I think you could make a plan to stay until your baby starts school, so you have at least the stability and family foundation, and then review again. It is all about how little you can survive on, rather than how much you can put up with.
And really do look to your friends, and go for a coffee or just to sit and chat with them, more. Because it is very easy to get all insular, just focused on yr baby and him ... and then it all seems much worse. You need a bit of perspective.
I am sorry to say that everything you say is familiar to me - so I know. But just really love yourself, and look out of the relationship for something to make you feel good. Like he does!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Honey please don't stay with him just for the sake of the baby because that will never work. To me it sounds like he has lost his love for you and he is probably just staying with you for the security and because you both have a baby. But it is clear that he is cheating on you with anyone who is willing to have him, and deep down you know that to be true. Why stick around to be hurt like that? He is not showing you any attention and he is treating you like dirt and being nasty to you. You deserve so much better than that my dear, why put yourself through all that. To me it sounds like you are doing everything on your own at the minute anyway when it comes to the baby, so I think you would be way better of out of this relationship. He is only causing you stress and hurt and there is nothing that you can do to make him notice you or show you any attention, you are letting him walk all over you, he can see you are vulnerable and he uses that to get what he wants. Get rid of him honey, believe me after a while you will realise it was for the best.
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