A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My father had two daughters outside of his marriage 23 yrs ago. Although I knew about it, I prayed it was not true because it will crush me. I grew up looking up to this man as responsible. My whole life seems to be shattered now because of this. No trust for men if my dad can do this.Yesterday we got into a heated argument because he is now boldly confessed to have a DNA completed that claims both kids are his. He feels guilty for not being in their life and feels God is punishing him because nothing seems to be working well in his life.I asked what he wants from me. He said he will like for us to meet the two girls who are now in NewYork. I just hated his non sensitivity andhow he expects us to jjust be happy with this news. I don't think I'm ready or will ever be ready to accept that I have step siblings. I don't want to use hate as a word but I do feel hate towards them and most especially their mother.Who have gone through this and how did you accept this paradigm shift?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): Try and remember THEY were INNOCENT and THEY were the one's who never had THEIR father, you did!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I haven't gone through this kind of paradigm shift, but as a child, I had to learn that my mother loved another man than my dad and insisted on keeping the affair going even though it hurt my father. And that my father tried to escape the pain by cheating on my mother. I witnessed the whole marriage almost break apart and getting put back together, for years.
So, I too had to learn that people are complex. And that those we love most dearly are able to hurt us or their loved ones.
Consider yourself blessed or cursed that you learn this lesson at the age of 30-35 years.. others already know for a long time that there are no perfect families. And that you can and have to love your parents, even though they are weird, sick, selfish or mean sometimes.
I don't think your father expects you to be happy and just play along as if nothing happened. He is just trying to save what can be saved and pick up the pieces. He wants to accept reality and not escape from it any longer. Which is actually a sign of strength. It must have cost him a lot. He wants to invite you to do the same, even though he probably knows it's asked a lot. You have two half-sisters (not step siblings) around the age of 20. I think you should at least get to know them before you hate them, who knows, maybe it won't be as awful as you think.
Also, I don't think this should be the end of your trust in men. This is certainly a warning that relationships are fragile constructions and they aren't necessarily more solid if people are married with children. Your father made a huge mistake 23 years ago. But he did a lot of things right and was your responsible father nonetheless. He's trying now to do the right thing and at least that should count for something.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 This happened to V., the daughter of a friend of mine. The parents had separated then divorced when she was 16 or 18, and at the time she had not taken it badly, she knew that her parents did not get along, she loved them both , she wanted them happy so if they were happier by themselves , so be it. She did not want to meet the woman for whom her father had left her mother... but, more than she did not want to, she was not asked to, I guess the dad felt guilty or something. So, all well apparently, V. lived in one country and her dad in another, but he visited often , and called / emailed / texted all the time.
Until, lo and behold, in a couple of years she finds out what she had not been told before , i.e. that she had two very young step brothers, one born while her parents where still married , the other just right after the divorce was final. Biiig fuss. The girl was furious, upset, felt betrayed, felt duped, and also felt deep hatred for these kids, she refused to see them or know anything about them, and also basically stopped talking to her father, and refuse to have anything to do with him but getting a monthly cheque from him to support her studies. The dad tried apologizing, persuading, reasoning, cajoling, to no avail. Then, sorry to say, but the leverage that worked was money, he threatened to stop altogether any payment , any financial support if V. had not agreed to just SEE the kids once. In a park or somewhere , just to aknowledge their existence. THAT kind of blackmail worked, the girl reluctantly agreed and.... it's an anticlimax , OP, it went like these things go, .. very normally, i.e. as hurt and bitter furious as you are, you can 't really HATE two kids of 4 and 2 who have done nothing to you other than share your dickhead father . The kids were very cute and cuddly and plump and innocent looking as most kids their age are. The older also had heard about his half sister , and seen her picture, and was all excited to meet her, and would go telling to the icecream man , hey , look , that's my big sister here ! I have a sister !... and, well, V. was still mad and furious and confused and... and ... but was also MOVED, in a way . So when the 4 y.o asked her, when are you coming again, are you coming over for Xmas ? please, ... she said yes sort of automatically. And then she did not have the courage to disappoint him, and went to stay on Xmas and was still a bit furious and hurt , and then in time , at every visit, less and less , and , lo and behold, today , a few years later,the situation is she thinks that dad is still a bit of a d...head, for what he did and most of all how he handled it, with all the lies and the secrets etc., but , at least , from the father d...headedness, she got the two half siblings that she is super HAPPY now to have. Val is getting married this August 23rd, and of course the boys are attending and are very excited of being the ringbearers or what is it that young boys do at weddings.
This has an happy ending, but of course it is not necessarily so. My point is, what you feel now, - hate, jealousy, bitterness, shock, is absolutely normal, and it takes time to get over it IF you can get over it, but... keep an open mind and give it a try. As Honeypie says, you don't have to play happy family just because you share DNA with these girls, then again, the girls really have no fault for anything, and any anger toward THEM is irrational and misdirected. They really have no say in the mistakes and screw ups that their parents originated, so, why not just go say " hi " and see how it feels ? If you aren't ready , you aren't. But, I think that if you can get the guts to go meet them once and take it from there, it can't hurt. You may feel the knot of bad feelings dissolving, or loosening up, and that's something you'd do for yourself, not for your father or for his lover. To get YOURSELF some peace of mind. Or, who knows, the bad feelings stay the same, - and nothing changes. In any case, what have you got to lose.?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): You don't have to go, he should go by himself at first anyway, not drag you into it. They probably don't really want to see you either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2014):
 How do you go though it?
BY accepting that you Dad wasn't/isn't perfect.
BY accepting that these girls had NO say in being born.
BY accepting that if you CAN NOT find it in your heart to NOT hate them, then DO not met up with them, they do NOT deserve your hate or scorn. If anything your FATHER made the choice to cheat on your mother and these girls are the consequences of HIS actions.
Do you even know if this woman KNEW he was married?
I wasn't happy when I found out my Dad cheated on my mom. It was a hard truth to swallow. And I do think it has shaped my morals and values. But it didn't embitter me towards half the human race.
IF he had made a child in the process I would not hate her/him at all. I would WANT to met her/him. The mother however, I might resent a tad. But I have better things to do then be BITTER and ANGRY over things I have ABSOLUTELY no power to change, that had NOTHING to do with me. Actions of others. Namely my dad and the other woman.
What your dad did (cheating) he did to the WHOLE family, but also TO these girls. They grew up being born, but not important enough to your dad to claim them, til they were so old he doesn't HAVE to help raise them or pay for the cost of raising kids. HE denied them him as a father. HE gave them a sperm donor as a biological dad, nothing more. Those were HIS choices - HIS actions - nothing to do with God. If anything (if you believe in God).... GOD gave him 2 healthy children who might grow up to be GOOD human being and do good things. How is that a punishment?
As for you. If you are NOT ready, then don't do it. But you SHOULD work on the issue at hand. It's EASY to lash out and blame the mother and the two daughters, but the REAL culprit is your dad and his attitude. Instead of going "WOE is me", he should PULL himself up by the bootstraps and OWN his actions. Take responsibility.
Don't OWN your dad's actions. And don't let your DAD's actions shape you into a bitter, distrustful person. Not every man is going to act like your dad. Not every man will cheat and lie.
Your life is still the same. YOU are still the same. You tried sticking your head in the sand and pray that the girls weren't your dad's. That didn't work, because life doesn't work that way.
For your dad to think these girls will now be part of "one big happy family" is unrealistic. But then again, my guess is, you learned the ostrich behavior from him. Sweep it under the rug and hope you don't stumble over the lump.
Figure out what YOU want for YOU. If that is to not met them yet, that is fine. If it is to NEVER met them, that is fine too. You share DNA with these girls. It's a fact. BUT it doesn't mean they are your "instant" sisters. You may share NOTHING in common (other then DNA) you might find that you DO share things in common.
I'm NOT a Christian, but I do try and look at the bigger picture and not judge others indiscriminately.
Maybe talk to your pastor/priest about this? Your mom? Other siblings?
And remember...
Luke 6:37
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven
Romans 2:1-3
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?
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