A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I'm not too sure where to start but I don't know what to do and I really need some advice. I split up with my boyfriend (we'd been together for over 7 years) in january and since then i have been doing things that really aren't me. I keep on having one night stands with men that I either work with or meet on a night out and unfortuantely the majority of these men are either married or have girlfriends - i slept with someone last night that I work with and I have been on nights out with his wife and know his children. I seem to have lost all concept that sex is a special thing between two people and once I have had a few drinks I will go home with men I know have no real feelings for me and just want sex. I always feel really embarrassed and shameful the morning after and I don't always use protection which I know is really stupid. I don't know why i'm doing this and i know that this is harming me as how can i ever trust a boyfriend again as most married men i know are willing to cheat on their wife. I also just can't think about what i'm doing to their relationships and families as I know it's just awful and that I shouldn't allow this to happen. I am not this type of person and had a wonderful relationship with my ex but if i'm being totaly honest I started to cheat on him too and slept with 2 other people whilst i was going out with him and had a relationship with one of them.I know this is a really naive thing to think but i always hope that once i've slept with these men that something else will happen and they will want to see me again but they never do and this just makes me feel even more lonely and stupid than i did before. I don't know why i keep on having sex with these men and i am also really worried as I am doing this a lot (i have been having sex with a diffrent man each week)and i don't want to be this person. Can you give me advice?
View related questions:
I work with, my ex, one night stand, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): You say that these things really aren't you.
But yes they are. You're doing them. This IS the real you now, whether you want to face it or not. If you don't like it then you have to change what you are doing.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): "I seem to have lost all concept that sex is a special thing between two people and once I have had a few drinks I will go home with men I know have no real feelings for me and just want sex."
Take the following quiz.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Take the results seriously, be ruthlessly honest with yourself.
Get a counselor, work on this.
I know from personal experience how damaging this is. You are not alone, you may have to really open up to someone to get to the point where you can live the life you really want to live. AA meetings may be of some use, even if you don't think you are an alcoholic. Counselors can help you, but it may not be the first one you work with, it may be the 5th one you see.
Work at it hard, because it is hard work.
Be honest with yourself. Take a break from sex for a while.
One of my friends had a similar experience, and started to believe that she was lesbian because she couldn't manage a male-female relationship for more than a few weeks (but had lots of one night stands that were male partners...hundreds of partners over 15 years). When she finally opened up, got counseling, and ended up married to a super guy, she finally began to understand the painful and disturbed past. She turned out to not be lesbian, and to really and truly enjoy terrific sex with her male partner, but it took a lot of work to get to that point and to deal with past betrayals and hangovers from abusive relationships.
They've been married a long time (20 years of so), and the longest she'd been able to manage a relationship before this was a few weeks.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Stop drinking, stop having sex. If you want change, here is your chance to make it. The moment you wrote this, you began to realize that something was deeply wrong with this and THAT is the first step to change.
Every night, instead of going out to drink, go and do something else, perhaps less exciting, just to avoid sex and alcohol. Read a book instead. Go out and meet people in less lowly places. Go out to a place where you can meet people who think with their hearts rather than their disloyal manhood. Places where meaning is abundant. Art galleries, book stores, music stores, cafes even! It might seem pathetic to you but at least you will not feel ashamed in the morning, you will not feel embarrassed, you may even feel empowered. Find more of yourself instead of just that seductress who lures men into her bed. I think you will find that you have a much deeper core than you allow others to see.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
