A
male
age
41-50,
*oughtimes
writes:Well here goes. Recently I've been having doubts about my marriage, see myself unhappy, feel selfish for being unhappy, and find myself rolling downhill like a snowball that I don't know how to stop.I've been in this relationship for 10 years. It's always been based on affection. Other than that we're two completely different people. We don't really have challenging or long conversations, we have different interests, different ways to look at life. We don't go out with other people, and basically live one day at the time, between work and home.Now I'm starting to question my whole life. I'm afraid that in a few years I'll feel I should have gone down a different path. I'm mainly questioning my relationship, and if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.I really can't point my finger at her. She loves me, she tries her best to make things work, she invests everything in me and our 6 y.o. son.We don't fight, we're both not into arguments, even when we disagree. The only thing that makes us argue is her jealousy problems, she is very insecure.We've started dating her when I was 19. 3 years later our son was born. Now I feel I've always just let things roll along. I've missed out on a lot of things. Never got drunk, never got in trouble (not that I'm planning to), come to think of it, I've always tried my best to be a role model and was successful for the most part. Now I think it's catching up. I feel I've never really taken control of my life and made my own decisions.My fidelity has been tested a few times, and I've always dealt with it correctly, walking away like a grown man should. But each time I get more tempted and it's harder to resist, and I feel it should be easier, like it's always been.I feel like I'm being dishonest. I should talk to her, but I don't know what to tell her because I don't know if I want to break up with her or not. If I break up, I'll feel like a selfish bastard who gave up on a very special person. If I don't I'm afraid I'll always have these questions hanging above my head.What scares me the most is not knowing where I want to be in 5 years time. The possibility of regretting whatever decision I come to is killing me. I lie down beside her every night asking myself if I want to go on, not having an answer for myself.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (2 February 2009):
See, that is something you can work on together! Learning how to have fun together!
Try letting your hair down around your wife, so to speak. Encourage her to do the same. You may see a different side to her that you had not previously. If she is on the serious side, it may take some encouragement on your part to get her to loosen up and "have fun".
Try flirting with your wife, and try being playful with her, even if this has not been the case in the past. Your behavior may even cause her to do the same in return.
Think of things to do that are fun. There are plenty of activities you all can do that include your son as well. Bowling, rollerskating, billiards, board games, card games, bicycling to name a few. Forget about the housework and home improvements in your time off - grab your wife and your son, and go out and have some fun. Let the inner child in each of you out!
I think you are bogged down with your business and don't have enough free time, though at this point it is necessary to keep the business going, I realize. I just hope you are able to inject some fun and some passion into your life, for it sounds as though you really need it.
Maybe you could also rejuvenate some old friendships. Even if you get together only once a month. It is healthy to continue to maintain a life outside of the marriage, even if it is on a minimal basis. Entertaining over the weekend, inviting other couples and friends over, is also a good way to have fun. Ask each person (or couple) to bring a dish and also their favorite drink of choice, so that all the preparation is not on your wife and you. My sister and her husband get together with their friends once a month for "game night". They alternate houses. They play Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit, etc. It is a way of breaking up the routine and the monotomy, and it keeps them in touch with their friends. Even if you and your wife have never done this before, you can always start!
You could also throw a party for your clients. You will find that they appreciate this, it will help grow your business, and you will make new friends in the process.
A
male
reader, toughtimes +, writes (2 February 2009):
toughtimes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto anonymous:
You could be on to something. I really do feel underachieved. Professionally I run my own business and things are looking up. It's what I like doing and it's getting better every year. I don't have as much money as I expected I had by this time, but things are improving and the future looks good.
Professional stuff aside, I really don't have a lot of friends, if any. I don't have a lot of fun outside the office, except for movies and dinners. I'm going out of shape because I don't have time to go to the gym, between running my overworked business and trying to spend as much time as possible with her and the kid. It's a boring existence and I need more fun, passion and all that I always though I had enough of until now. I'm starting to feel time passing by and everyday I feel more like doing things on my own rather than with her. It's like I can't have as much fun with her as I do with other people (I feel selfish and immature saying this but it's how I feel).
Come to think of it, I never did have a lot of fun with her. It was always about cuddling up and enjoying each other.
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A
male
reader, toughtimes +, writes (2 February 2009):
toughtimes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Too Sensitive, I really loved your insight.Adding a little more info, when I say our relationship was always based on afection I mean just that. When we started I didn't expect it to last. She was(is) a beautiful woman, with the most tender eyes. She quickly won me over because I've never felt as loved as I did with her. She's my first real girlfriend. Now I feel that's shaky grounds to begin with. Other than that we really don't have much in common and sometimes when we're talking about our day I feel we're boring each other (this goes both ways). In bed we've always gotten along fine. I've always wanted more than I got but never complained.It's curious how when these doubts started happening, we were going through the best times we've ever had, sexually. We were having a lot of sex and very good sex, almost every day. Now we're down to once or twice a week and I'm to blame. Most nights I don't feel into it, and sometimes I feel guilty about having it with all this on my mind.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (2 February 2009):
I think you are bored with the relationship, and that is not uncommon. It will take work, but there are ways to rejuvenate things and create more excitement.
It may be that you will have to include each other in your different interests. You may love Nascar races and she may have no interest, but in the interest of maintaining your marriage, she may have to accompany you to a race. On the flip side, she may love attending the symphony and you may have no interest, but for the sake of your relationship, you may have to go along. I'm sure you get my drift from these examples. It is best if you can find activities and hobbies that you enjoy doing together.
It would also be good to bring romance back into the marriage. Going out just the two of you to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Surprising her with tickets to an event she would like. Arranging an overnight for your son elsewhere, and booking a room at a couples inn (complete with hot tub, champagne, vibrating bed, etc.!). Having wild, reckless, unabandoned sex without having to worry about your son hearing you or interrupting.
Think about the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place. Remind yourself of those special things, examine them, and work toward bringing them back into your marriage. Surely there must have been things you used to like to do together. Start doing them again.
Do things together, the 3 of you, as a family unit. Create special times and memories that bond you all together as a family.
Work toward creating better communication. Some couples (myself included) fall into a rut where so much that should be communicated isn't, for fear of hurting the other person, for fear of confrontation, for fear of criticism, for fear of rejection, for fear of being misunderstood, for fears of so many things. It takes work to communicate, and sometimes it becomes easier to keep quiet and shut down. That only hurts the union in the end. Even everyday little things should be shared, as minute as they may seem. They all help to form a bond and foster closeness. If all else fails, marriage counseling may need to be considered.
Not being you, my own thoughts are that if you leave your marriage, you will have more regrets down the road than if you stay and try to work on things. There's always the "what if" no matter which road we decide to travel. We have to decide what our priorities in life are. We have to make decisions based upon those priorities. Think about what your priorities are and go from there. If your priorities are being married, being in a serious committed relationship, and raising your son as best you can, then there's your answer. Once you have your answer, then you can work toward the steps needed to improve things. But, you can't do it alone. It will take work and motivation on both your parts. Remember, marriage is a team effort.
You will have to communicate your needs to your wife, and she will have to do the same in turn. There are ways of doing this without being critical - you'll just have to think carefully about what you want to say and how to say it, before you speak. A good way to do this is to start out on a positive note, by reinforcing and recognizing something you are happy about ("I love the way you..."). Then ease into whatever your need is that you want to communicate ("I miss the way we used to..."; "I would like to work toward talking more than we have been"; "I would like us to be more romantic with each other"; "I would like to add some excitement to our lives"; "I would like us to be closer than we are").
Try exploring in your own mind where you would like to be in 5 years. In a promotion at your job? In a completely different career? Going back to school to get a degree? Writing a book? Moving into a bigger house? Starting a business? Having another child? Think of it in terms of what you may want for yourself, then in terms of what you want for your family. Share your dreams and your goals with your wife. Encourage her to do the same. Talking about these things from time to time with each other will help bring you closer.
Find a book at the library or the bookstore on how to revive a marriage. I'm sure there are tons out there on the subject, with plenty of advice and ideas you could try.
Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
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