A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:I've posted about this female in questions a few times before. Basically I'm having a really hard time getting over her and I'm questioning my sanity and what else I can do to get over how I'm feeling. To cut a long story short, a FWB that didn't feel the same way I do. A couple of weeks ago when I was drunk I messaged her telling her I 'love' her. Tried my best just to laugh it off and act like it never happened. I do anything I can to avoid seeing her and tell myself whenever I do see her I'll just ignore her which never plays out like that. Last night for example was the first time I saw her in a good while, she came over to chat then afterwards felt like she made a point to hang around me for the rest of the night, I may just be imagining that, but that's what it felt like. For the rest of the night all i could think about was wanting to message her, I managed to stop myself from doing so but it was hard.The last time we hung out together was July, yet I still find myself thinking about her often and I'm at my wits end thinking of what I can do to remove her from my thoughts, it's literally getting to the point where I wish I'd never met her.What else can I do besides what I already am to get over the way I feel?
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's true. Suppose you can't help who you fall for.
Thanks again for the continued inputs guys, I've found them very helpful.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 No point feeling pathetic over it. You may not have been in a relationship but that does not mean that you didn't care or that you still do. People catch feelings all the time, it is not pathetic. It will get easier. Hopefully you will feel much better by the time she leaves next year.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Maybe the simple truth is that you fell for her because you felt safe to do so.
She reminded you every so often so that this was to be casual you weren't left wondering if her continued affection and attention meant she was falling hard for you and was planning a life together. The fact that you hoped you could change her mind meant you, at least, knew where her mind was at.
Ok, so now what specifically did you have with her that you think you might not have with someone else? I don't mean 'a connection'. I mean, for example, more free time, personal space without having to offer too many reassurances. How often did you see her? Was that enough for you? Don't tell me, I mean ask yourself.
Then ask yourself how you might negotiate that with a new person.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has plans to go travelling next year but I'm really hoping to be over it all before she leaves. I mean I didn't even go out with this girl so I feel it's pretty pathetic that I'm still even so bothered about her.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 November 2016):
If you are not interested in a girlfriend at the moment then that is okay but put yourself out there. Get on with your life. Go on dates, have fun and try and remember you are only young and you are single. It is hard getting over someone and sometimes all you need is time. It is harder for you because your lives are still lives closely. I found when my ex moved away years ago that is when I finally could let myself get over him. I was upset the day he told me he was leaving, I felt heartbroken. But the way that he treated me, when I look back now I know he done the best thing for me, he allowed me to move on from him. I couldn't let go when he was still in the same town.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2016): In all fairness you're letting your guard down to fwbs not girls who are interested in you. You don't need a gf yet but don't use these experiences as a reason/excuse not to open up to girls who actually want a relationship.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the viewpoint bluebird, I enjoyed reading your answer.
For me, why I think she stands out is we did get on really well, I don't feel like I connected with someone on that level for a long time, we knew everything about each others lives. I know it was a FWB but it didn't feel like that for me at some point's and I guess that's where I lost sight of things and started getting too caught up.
I think a large part of it is down to the fact that she continually said she wanted casual and I stupidly thought I would be able to change her mind as I've had girls say that to me in the past and they completely crumbled and started to like me. This time it was different and it never happened and I guess I just kept getting even further and further out of my depth.
She is very social and she's also very good looking. I know she gets a lot of attention because she used to show me messages guys would send her. I know she wasn't sleeping with other people when we were meeting as she caught me out one time when I did it and she was really upset about it and that's why we became 'exclusive'.
I think the main thing stopping me from wanting relationships is this experience and the very similar one when I was 18 (I'm 25 now). I am a little worried to let my guard down and being in a vulnerable position knowing full well it's very possible you can get very hurt. I know I can't go on forever like this or ill never meet anyone. That's why I find it easier to keep girls at an arms length.
I know sometime soon I'm going to look back on this experience and wonder why I was so upset and why I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling much better than I was a few months ago, but still feel like I've got some way to go.
Again, I appreciate everyone's comments and viewpoints on my issue.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 I've read alot of your post and you have great insights too N91. I remember a lovely article by you about the fact that not all love is here to stay but to teach us a lesson in life. I completely agree with that.
That being said, I wanna say, the only way you can ever get over this girl is not by stuffing everything inside but by saying I am completely in love with this girl and because of that, I know I can have the strength to love again and have that love given back to me.
I think I also would like to know more about her, why do you feel this way with her but not others? What makes her stand out? You just stated and opened up that she works at a bar. Is she used to attention and probably has had many experience, thus shes used to men falling for her? Im assuming by what you said, she is social and probably enjoys attention and can easily make anyone, esp men feel special. Do you see this is the case or no? And also, what about other FWBs had not stood out to you? I am wondering is it because she is witholding commitment-- that it makes you want her more. But when other women wanted more with you, why did you pulled away? This can be something you want to work on inside. What is about yourself that you need to work on? What happened in your childhood, your life, your inner feelings that has allowed you be afraid to find a GF and have a loving, fun, committed relationship? I find it funny when people say a committed relationship lacks fun and freedom. That is so far from the truth. The most loving relationship of all is that the person we love sets us free in so many ways. That is WHY we commit to them...and I fear that is why you feel so strongly for her. She always sets you free yet when you come back, she makes you feel amazing. She doesnt ask for anything except to be made love to but I feel here you are wanting something deeper than just sex
I will say, maybe try to find a job and move out of that small town. Maybe date, keep meeting people, MEET amazing girls, see what is out there. Seek a lover, maybe learn a new hobby, the only way you can get over this girl is to keep growing as a person. You can love her but I see your love not as a weakness but strength, it can help you grow to have a loving relationship in the future. She has taught you a lesson and that lesson is that you are capable to fall in love. I think thats the greatest lesson in all this
Dont give up. Everyone on this site is rooting for you. Keep chucking along and keep growing. Make new friends, try to avoid similar friends, meet new women, talk to new women, work out on fitness, travel, find a new job, if you find that you are growing, you can outgrow any situation my friend. Good luck! =)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou cindy that was a good read and I'll try that starting from tomorrow.
As for avoiding her I live in a very small town so it would be impossible not to bump into her, we have overlapping friendship groups and we always go to the same places as there's so few. She works in a pub and a lot of my friends go there regularly but I never do as it would be silly of me to do so, so I do try to avoid her as best I can.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 N91 I have a suggestion which is a variation on Ciar's. I read it on a self help book about anxiety, and, strangely enough.. it works, at least it worked for me and all the friends I passed it along to, when there's a problem of obsessing over stuff ( not just love matters ).
So : you want to start your day with no baggage , so to speak, which is hard to do when you have in the back of your mind that nagging feeling that something is not right because blah blah. You need to spit it out, to cleanse yourself. So, not only you give yourself permission to moan, but you commit to do it punctually, consciously and regularly for a month, first thing in the morning. This is important, it is literally the first thing you have got do do as soon as you open your eyes, before you shower, have breakfast or whatever. Put the clock back 30 minutes, and as soon as you wake up , grab the note pad that you will be keeping on your nightstand, grab a pen, ( yes to have to write, not type ) and start writing, stream of consciousness style, no punctuation, don't worry about grammar or spelling, just spill your guts out on paper : " Oh I am so unhappy why oh why she did this to me " blah blah blah. Do not THINK; i.e. do not try to be coherent or politically correct or objective - just spit out whatever you feel in the momenr. Never stop, for 30 minutes. After which, you go about your business as usual.
Rinse and repeat... for 30 days.
You will notice a few things : that you may get flashes of insight about your problem , which you had not thought before ( why she did X, why you did Y, how to solve your problem of moving on faster, .... ); that you'll be anyway more relaxed and more functional in your daily life, because since your brain has " vomited " out first thing the thoughts that have been lurking in it and nagging at you all the time, - now it's emptier and more open to other ideas, other sensations that those limked to the loss of this r/ship; that in a month ( well, way before actually ), you are sick and tired of thinking about this, you have exhausted the subject from all the angles, and , consciously or not, your brain can't wait to focus on other stuff , and to go in other directions.
That's not to say , that if you loved her, poof, after one month every single memory of her , every regret will be gone. Some times one falls very hard and can have pangs of longing for YEARS: BUT, at the same time- you can have random pangs of longing AND move on happily to better things.
I would also encourage you to 1 ) be patient with yourself ; after all it's only 4 months that you haven't been with her one on one, - objectively not a lot of time. 2 ) pat yourself on your back for having figured out that this is probabaly a case of " I only want what I can't have" As you say, you were the one who used to cut them loose when they got attached, and, when the shoe is on the other foot, it can get very uncomfortable, for reasons that have got to do much more with ego than with love. You got this rationally, now just let your emotions ( and your hormons ) catch up . They will , in time .
3 ) try to change your hang out places for a while. I don't know if this is possible where you live, but ideally it's simpler just choosing other bars or clubs than where she goes habitually, for a while, than having to ask her " please do not talk to me because I am still sore ". A bit awkward, isn't it ? . And she may not cooperate and not respect your wish- there's a lot of people who insist on " let's stay friends " and not because they give a hoot, just because it 's a stroke to their ego seeing that they can make you squirm and knowing that if they only wanted they could have you back. Not saying that she must be a mean girl, but , you never know- if you just don't see her at all, even better IMO. On the other hand, if you just cannot avoid her, maybe it's not a bad idea telling her in polite but not uncertain terms that you do not see any point in beeing " social " and talking as if you were the best of friends.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that I don't particularly want a girlfriend as I feel I have some commitment issues and find it hard to let people get close to me. I was happy to enter a FWB with this girl because at the time I was speaking to a few people and enjoyed the freedom of what a FWB offers and didn't expect to fall for this girl.
We did have a few Fallings out which ended up in us stopping speaking to other people and becoming 'exclusive' so to speak which I don't think helped me as I started investing a lot more time in her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon - I dont have her on any social media and I don't have her phone number anymore. The only time I come into contact with her is on nights out or sometimes attend the same music events as one of my friends is dating her best friend. I haven't asked her not to speak to me but I think that if I see her again and she tries to speak to me then I think I'll politely ask that she respects my wishes to no longer speak.
Brownwolf - I've been in FWB arrangements before, 1 a similar thing happened and every other time there's not been a problem. I think my issue lies when I like the girl more than they like me as it's usually me ending the arrangement because they ask if what we have is going anywhere. I think it's a case of I want what I can't have but can't seem to train my brain to understand thats all it is. I guess I've no one else to blame besides myself as I could of got out of this at any time but instead waited until she ended things.
Ciar - I like that suggestion and I'll give it a try.
I had a long period where I was doing fine but now everytime I see her I just want to speak to her so much, sounds pathetic I know and I realise this, but still can't stop the feeling occurring. I thought I'd be over it all by now if I'm being honest as it's been some time since we last hung out together. I don't really like bringing it up to my friends either as I feel they're getting sick of hearing about it which makes it harder for me to vent meaning I bottle it up sometimes.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (21 November 2016):
Your first mistake....FWB...There is NO BENEFIT is such a friend...Why?? Sex is not a game. And it is not to be played with...lesson learned the hard the way. It is better not to have sex, than to have it and invest emotions in someone who does not feel the same way.
Any woman who offers sex without commitment...run! And I would say the same to man who offers sex without commitment to a woman...run!
To a man, the key to a woman's heart is a good sex. Which means love....WRONG!!!!
To a woman, giving a man sex is the key to love...WRONG!!!
She was not in love with you...just in love with sex, and you mistook that as a way to her heart, and therefore...love...WRONG!!
The reason you are confused about your feelings is...Because you had good sex you thought you were in love. But truth is...Love comes with a COMMITMENT...Not just sex. When you are committed to loving each other even without sex...that is true love. When you are willing to marry each other...not because of sex...just because of love...it get's even better.
There is a reason why they tell you to wait until after marriage to have sex...To avoid all of this...because you would have been committed to love first..and not sex.
Sex does not equal love...but true love equals lots of sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): In nearly all situations we suggest cutting contact because someone you like being rubbed in your face makes it worse. Have you told her you need to be left alone??
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 November 2016):
Instead of trying to quit her cold turkey and condemning yourself when you don't, take control of your thoughts and actions by giving yourself permission to indulge at certain times.
For example, if you have errands to run or chores to do, you could motivate yourself to get them done by 'rewarding' yourself with 15-30 minutes (or an hour, whatever) of thinking about her and looking at old pictures. Just don't contact her.
Knowing you're 'allowed' at certain times and certain days might make it easier for you to think of other things in the meantime.
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