A
male
age
36-40,
*rokenGuy1986
writes:Dear All,First time writer and I'm really needing some desperate help. My story.About 6 years ago I met a girl. We went out and nothing ever come of it. I guess I wasn't really in that place at that time. But she held a candle for me. Anyway, the next few years of my life I suffered a lot of loss and turmoil in my life.Then earlier on this year I met up with this girl again and I fell madly in love with her. But I had stuff going on that I never really dealt with. And I took it out on her. She tried and tried and eventually she just had enough. I was horrible to her. I was never violent. I just wasn't very nice to her. Now she's gone. And I know she still cares for me deeply. I tried to get her back. But now she has got together with some rebound guy. She's told me she's with him to soften the pain. She told me that she has never been hurt so badly because she cared for me for so long. I've tried everything. I know this is the girl I'm meant to be with. I don't believe in all that soul mate stuff but there is something just different about this girl. We've been finished a month and the pain of losing her is like living a nightmare. I've never felt anything like it in my life.I feel sorry for this guy because he knows too that she's in love with me. Too many people have got involved and hurt and I don't know what to do. I know it's that old saying you don't realise what you've got until it's too late. And I truly, truly regret what has happened. I would do anything for her. I would die for this girl, and I will live for her. I've told her she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And her reply was, "I obviously wasn't". I tell her I love her and she says, "Please don't say that".This girl is my angel, my queen, my everything. This is tearing me apart. I know I've messed up. This is my fault. I know I takes two to tango but this is down to me. What do I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 November 2016):
 You don't get her back.
You blew it. Have some care for her and stay away because it seems the two of you together makes YOU toxic.
Even if you claim to have changed SHE will ALWAYS remember how you treated her and it will mean she will NEVER fully trust. EVER again.
That may suck for you, but if one GOOD thing came out of this MAYBE you will learn from this and NOT be an asshole to a good woman next time you meet one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): Alot of people are noting that your chance has passed, however il offer a different perspective.I'm in a similar scenario (I'm the one he let go) thing is I'v moved on after being snubbed if you like (a long term friendship out the window after both of us admitting there are feelings involved, him dealing with alot, and him treating me awfully) I backed off.he may have slammed of slammed on the breaks, but I got outhe the car and walked away.moving on etc.thing is I still left a chance for him to chase if he wanted to.what I'm saying is, don't get your hopes up, but if you really love her, and your sure she still cares , then try being her friend first and prove you've changed.maybe she'll come round.maybe not.but at the end of the day after ycou've tried every approach possible.just ask her where you stand.is there any hope or not? If she says not.then sorry dude she really will be the got away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): My horrible ex used to say he would live for me, kill for me, die for me. Do you know what? All I wanted was for him to treat me with compassion and respect like I did him. It's easy to promise rubbish and deliver nothing except cruelty. I have suffered at the hands of men like you and I hope she continues to keep out of your way. Three years later he is still trying to worm his way back in. NO way on this earth is he EVER getting anywhere near me again.There is nothing in your post that sounds as if you care about HER. Only your own pain.Maybe you should read the sentence that you wrote again :'I was never violent, I just wasn't very nice to her'WHAT??? JUST not very nice to her? Wow. Tells me all I need to know about you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): A woman will give you more chances than you deserve. She will be more patient and tolerating than anyone you know. But once she decides enough is enough and takes the action to move on, she will move on and will never turn around, ever again. You can actually witness her determination with her current situation - being with someone else just to get over you. She will move on and get over you no matter what it takes.
Let her be and wish her the best. That's the best thing you can do for her. If you truly love her, set her free.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): You'll show her how much you love her by setting her free. Find your redemption in letting her go, so she can find the happiness she deserves. You had your chance with her; and things did not workout as they could have. Sometimes people are only meant to cross our lives but once. They are only to add something special for a limited time only.
You found love. She gave it to you, but for whatever reasons she could not cure your pain and suffering. The good thing is, you do realize that you are loved. That she hasn't stopped, but she was hurt by you. You can't take it back. It's best for both of you to move on. You don't hurt people that way and just decide to forget about it and take them back. Your damage has been done. Her healing will not be complete until she has moved on too. She must get-over you; so she will be capable of loving again, and being loved as she should have been with you.
You have to realize that hurting people who love you is a serious thing. That doesn't mean you don't deserve forgiveness, or that you don't deserve to be loved. You were damaged by things that happened to you, and you didn't seek help before you reached out and took love. You tried to find solace in a relationship; thinking being loved would cure you. You made her your whipping-post. You used her to release your rage and bitterness. You say you never hit her. Oh, yes you did! In very vulnerable places. You didn't reciprocate what you received. She has now been taken from you. You took it all for granted.
Who are you to call her present relationship a rebound? So what do you call what you gave her? Think about that for a minute.
Love will come to you again. Only if you set her free so she can heal from what you did to force her to leave you.
Your presence will only bring back the emotional trauma you caused her, and you are only trying to appease your own guilt. You are selfish.
Wish her well. Take some time to allow yourself healing. Get some counseling to deal with your anger and pain. You haven't done anything about that, and you will only repeat the same; because your soul needs healing before you can love without also inflicting pain, my dear sir.
I can feel the sincerity and pain in your words, but I also see that you don't truly own your responsibility. When you said it took two to tango, that was your way of dodging full responsibility for your on part in destroying what you had. Take it all on yourself. You kept on until she had to leave you. So who is most at fault? She hung in there, she owned her faults. Of course she's not perfect; but she did try to give you love. You only gave her pain in return for trying to love you. That wasn't fair.
Being sorry just isn't enough sometimes. It's just being more concerned about your own loss or feelings, and not considering how much damage was done. What you already took from her, and didn't give back when you should have. All is not loss, it's just over for this relationship. That's all.
So my advice is, get counseling to help you let go of your demons. Meditate to soothe your inner-turmoil. Forgive yourself for how you hurt her. Move on and start fresh with your life. Looking back in regret and convincing yourself you would do it differently if you only had it to do over is how most of us delude ourselves. You should have done it right the first time. She is not your lab rat to keep figuring out how to treat a woman right.
I do understand that you miss her and you're very sorry. I do not advise you to try and take her back or disrupt her healing process. Use the time you have alone to fix yourself. So you'll be ready and fit for the next good thing that comes your way. It will. We sometimes think messing up means we'll be punished forever. No sometimes a loss teaches us to handle what is precious to us with more care. You should feel remorse and sorrow. It means you are capable of compassion and you do have a conscience. So everything regarding your mistakes can be forgiven; but the relationship cannot be salvaged.
Take care of your tortured heart and soul, dear sir. Taking her back will not fix it. Your full redemption comes in working to be a better man; so fate will again reward you with someone to love you. She wasn't the one, she was meant to give you love during your time of torment. Then she was to be removed to let you know, love should not be rewarded with cruelty and mistreatment. Your post says you've learned your lesson well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): Everything about your relationship was wrong.
You did as much unkind stuff to her as you could get away with and what makes this girl different to the rest is that she realised there was no future in it for either of you and she left.
The fact that you knew each other earlier means nothing.
The fact that you had other stuff going on in your head will never diminish the unkindness you bequeathed on her.
The fact that you so desparatly want her now is because you miss the feeling that you could be as unkind as you liked and still expect her to come back for more.
I suspect she us not in love with you.
The controlling aspect of yourself is just unwilling to let her continue her life without you.
You may feel elements of remorse but only because you think it will draw her back to you.
But it wont.
You need to never repeat this on anyone at all.
Meanwhile you might as well enjoy being broken hearted as it will pass and then you will have to accept reality.
Have you tried counselling to discuss how to break the pattern of your abusive behaviour and where it stems from?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 November 2016):
 You've heard the old saying about the hard times showing us what we're made of. Well, this girl has seen what you're made of and she's wisely decided to take a pass.
Love is not being nice to someone when things are going your way, and it doesn't equal respect.
Life has many bumps and turns. Why would she think you'd act any better the next time? What support would you be to her?
I think the wise thing to do is leave her be for now. Perhaps some time to heal and space to think might inspire her to give you another chance. Assuming she sees real change in you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 November 2016):
 I really don't think there is anything you can do, you've hurt her badly and maybe she's realised that you're not the right person for her.
Just because it feels right for you doesn't mean it's right for her also. You showed her a side of you that she never expected to see and it sounds like that was enough for her to re think the idea of you two.
She knows how you feel about her so there's not a great much else you can do unfortunately. You've apologised and nothing has changed. All you can do is hope she changes her mind or cut your losses and move on. I really don't think it's wise or healthy to keep your self in a state of hopelessness as this situation is out of your hands now,
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