A
female
age
30-35,
*shfirefly
writes:Hey. I am 18, just so people don't think I am so some fifteen year old. Lol I am in a transgender/lesbian relationship (my girlfriend being the transgender, not that it matters Lol) I am having a hard time dealing with my girlfriend's ex girlfriend. Me and my girfriend, C, have been in a relationship for 2 years now and we are doing great. We have promise rings and everything. We are working our way to move out of her Aunt's basement soon. She has done so much for me, and me for her. Especially since a year and a half of the 2 years was over the internet. Her ex, J, only shows up when she knows that C is doing good. Like last April, C and I were having some issues because of J. She was flirting non chalantly on facebook over photos or links that everyone knows that C is really involved with. C didn't see it because she is more of a male inside and us girls ALWAYS know when a girl is flirting with their partner, no matter who it is. I didn't say anything at first, thinking that J was being dumb. She couldn't break us up. I added J on facebook. So I non challantly tried to come off as "stop flirting with her, she is mine." Apparently it was too obvious to C, because she reads right through me no matter what it is. Lol. I fronted and said that she was bothering me by flirting with her. C denied that J was doing that and that she was only being friendly. I thought differently. C told me that J's feelings were hurt because I was rubbing it in her face that I was dating C now. Which wasn't what I was trying to because all I was doing was trying to tell her to step off. But C wouldn't listen to me. J could do no wrong. It hurt my feelings because she was telling ME that I hurt J's feelings, when my feelings were hurt from the beginning when J started flirting. When C told me that,it hurt my feelings so I told her that. C acted as if I was being ridiculous. But after a really bad fight, she took J off of her IM and facebook. So she is lying to J, saying she doesn't have a facebook anymore when she really does. I agreed that it was all right, even though inside I wanted J to go away all together. J and C had dated on and off for 4 years 9 or so years ago over the internet. C told me that it was a terrible relationship, filled with J being crazy, mean, and a liar. I had known all of that from the beginning of C's and my relationship. So I couldn't understand why they were still talking? (I understand that they have never physically been together and that I have gotten way farther than J has with C, but it still bothered me...) That died down for a while and C and I met over last summer. While that went on, C hid the fact that J was calling and texting her by calling J a different name in her phone. I had known that they did that, but C had insisted that she didn't start the conversations. I had got really upset becaue of that too but I eventually got over it, I suppose. I had to leave after a month to go back home so I could get a job and save up money to move in with her. While I was working, I found a message from J on C's facebook from last April. It had said that J had accepted me on facebook and that if I caused any 'little kid problems' then she would have to step in and do something about it because she doesn't deal with little kids. (Which is weird considering that C is 3 years older than I am so obviously I am not that little to her. ) Also the message said that as long as C and I are together, C is still 100% her's. That message had proved that what I was saying last April was right so I brought it up to C, composing my anger because it had been so long ago and I didn't want to cause another fight. She said that she hadn't finished reading that message because she was so used to J being dumb that she just had got to the part where J had said she accepted me. So her reply to it was "Lol yeah. Well thanks for accepting her." and then it went on to say "do you want to get on YIM to look on amazon with me?" (By then obviously C and I hadn't come to the agreement that she delete her.) C and I do that. We look on amazon, so why was C doing that with J when C and I couldn't talk? Then she had the nerve to be mad that my ex had gotten ahold of me? My ex might have been trying to cause problems like C had assumed but I had gotten rid of him. C meant more to me. So I accepted the answer that C didn't read the rest of the message sent by J and tried to get over it, even though it confirmed what I had been thinking about J all along. I moved in with C a couple months ago and we have been amazing. We had a great Christmas and anniversary together physically for the first time. I was so happy that when J called or texted, I didn't care. It was whatever. But then, J started to bother me again. She didn't text or call ALL THE TIME, but she did every once in a while. I am pretty sure it's more than 2 times a month, like C insists, but whatever. When C and I would go out places and something would mention Ohio(where J lives), C would bring up J or just comment on the state. I knew that she was thinking of J. But I didn't say anything. Not yet. A couple weeks ago, C and I were watching a movie together and J called. C ignored it and texted her that she would call her back later. (she had forgotten to call her back a few nights ago when J called in the middle of the night because her dad and her were having problems.) J didn't text back but we assumed she got the picture. The movie was almost over but J called again like she didn't care. C ignored it again and then when the movie was over, she called her. I overheard C's part of the convo and C had to defend herself why she hadn't just stopped everything and called her or answered. They had their conversation and I went to bed. I was at a breaking point.Two days later C's grandmum got sick. C commented that she hoped that she didn't get what J had. Even as little as it was, it got me and I broke down into tears. C asked me what was wrong and I told her. Again, I felt as if C thought me ridiculous. C had made it clear that she was not letting J go and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so angry and hurt that I ran up stairs and talked to her mom. She was shaken that I was so upset that she came downstairs and told her why the heck are you still talking to her? And C said that she was her friend. Apparently making me upset by doing that didn't matter, or that was how it felt to me. That day we had a fight. She told me that I should go home and that I was missing my friends and family, that was why I was so depressed about everything. And that I just didn't like everyone that came a threat towards us and that I can't keep her all to myself. ( she was speaking about how I didn't like her best friend (but who does? she is a spoiled brat, even C says that) but I do now, and Sam was some stalker little girl that really had tried to spread stuff between C and I. I had a reason to not like any of the people I didn't like. I don't not like people just cause I want C to myself. That wasn't the case and it hurt that she thought that. I said I didn't understand why J was still around and C told me that J was there for her when no one else was when she was younger. When C was doing drugs, J would stay up all night with her to make sure she was breathing. I understand that but to let it cause problems between us now that C isn't doing anything like that and even if she was, I would be taking care of her. But somehow we got through with it and I am still here. We have had a good couple of weeks so far, but J just called and texted again today. C doesn't know I know, I just saw over her shoulder on accident. I saw the text message that C didn't reply to in front of me. It said "Call me when you won't get in trouble to talk to me" I felt like that was slap in the face and that C would be sneaking to talk to her all over again. What do I do? I talked to her parents that one day we had our fight, but they told me to just ignore it and that J was just trying to make problems. If I ignore it, J will stop trying and go away. I know it's not like C is doing anything with her...I mean they have never even met in real life. And I am actually living with C and we are planning a future together. But I can't handle to stress of J anymore. Everything that J has done keeps playin through my head. I don't want to lose my relationship, I love C with all my heart and I know that C does too. I just don't know what to do anymore...C won't listen to me and we get into HUGE fights when J is brought up. I don't want C to sneak J again but I know why she is doing it, to not upset me. But I still know about it and so I am still upset. What should I do?
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a break, anniversary, best friend, christmas, depressed, drugs, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, liar, money, moved in, my ex, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): i have been in this situation with my girlfriend except i was in the shoes of C. seriously, you need to give her an ultimatum. when my gf did that, i realized what mattered to me.
A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (20 January 2012):
 You need to break up with her, she is playing you for a fool. She is treating you badly by not respecting your wishes and seeing her ex behind your back. The worst thing is that when you catch her out, she is telling you that you have a problem. If you didn't feel bad before, you most certainly do now...
But to be honest, but the time I got through your 'novella'(!) I think I managed to surmise that the relationship seems pretty toxic, and I think you can find someone who is more committed and respectful of your feelings. Your girlfriend is getting away with blue murder and if you stay with her, I cannot see the sitution improving.
So please try to get some counselling to deal with this, as it is not healthy for you to be so emeshed in all of this facebook/texting stuff with her ex. She is bringing out the 'control-freak' in you and you are bringing out the annoyed/over it attitude in her. So you can see what I mean, it is not healthy all round. And it is not fair, because it is her actions that are causing you this distress.
Obviously, you are the jealous type, so if you really want to stay with her, you are going to have to accept the ex as a part of your relationship with her. Does that sound right and healthy for you? If so, by all means stay, but dont' get upset or angry about things, as your girlfriend has no intentions of changing things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): Give an ultimatum u or j? And leave if she choosws j
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