A
female
age
30-35,
*ousepad
writes:I'm sorry this is so long.. but I wanted to get in as much details as possible and PLEASE read it I really want some input.Okay I'm feeling so confused and worried.I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and best friends with him for about a year before that. We have a lot in common and we can just talk for hours! We have been best friends since the day we met, and I'm a pretty shy person and I always take forever to warm up to someone, but with him it was instant. He ALWAYS liked me. Even before we had talked. He's had a crush on me for like 6 years. I was always kinda drawn to him.. interested.. but since I always knew he liked me, I never had a CRUSH on him like I had with other guys in the past. I never felt that "Oh I wonder if he likes me! What does that look he gave me mean?!" kind of thing because I always KNEW how much he liked me. So I kinda took it for granted and just stayed friends with him until I drifted into (or admitted to myself) liking him. So lately that's bothered me a little.. that I've never really had a crush on him. I love him more than anyone, but I never had that feeling that I used to get for other guys, you know? So I don't feel like "wow I can't believe he actually likes me" kinda thing.And my main question/problem is that lately I've noticed myself a little interested in other guys. Not like I'd actually want to be with them.. but I think about it. (Not sexual at all, just emotional). And more like I just compare people to my boyfriend ALL the time. Even people like my dad or uncle, they will say something cute to their wife and I think "I wonder if he would say that when we were older?" It's so bad! I compare all the time. And tonight we hung out with one of his friends. And it's not like I would ever like this friend, because he is such a flirt.. I couldn't trust him. He has a girlfriend but he still talks to girls ALL the time and I just don't think he cares about her that much. BUT, he's just kinda sexy (and I'm NOT the type of girl to think that). I like the fact that he listens to certain types of music, like country and lots of variety, he was playing stuff off him ipod in the car and I just liked his taste better than my boyfriends. And he's just more athletic. And he was drumming to the music and it was just so sexy. I would LOVE if my boyfriend acted like that. Don't get me wrong, my question isn't that I have a crush on my boyfriends friend. I don't even like him like that. My problem is that lately I've been wishing my boyfriend was more like other people.. I've been comparing. I wish he was more athletic.. more.. I don't know sexy/confident. That he was more musical or talked in a different tone of voice sometimes. Just stupid little things that I've NEVER cared about before. And also I think part of it is that we are planning on getting married some day, and I'm just realizing that that means I will NEVER have a beginning of a relationship again. And that part is so cute and exciting. Wondering if someone likes you. Being around this friend made me feel good.. since I know he's a flirt I was realizing that he probably liked being around me. He would want to sit by me and stuff. Makes you feel good to be liked (not that my boyfriend doesn't make me feel loved... but it's different and fun at first). But I realize that that will always fade.. and I NEVER thought I'd be that type of person to worry about that. And since we are so serious, I guess I just want to make sure he's perfect.I just wish I felt like I had a crush on him more often.. like I just WANTED him. I don't know how to explain it. I mean, we are great together! And when I think about things like getting married and having kids with someone.. he's the only person I can imagine. We are so cute together. But I've just worried lately if I feel like I'm supposed to feel. I realize that there is lots of parts of a relationship, and lust won't always be there. That's why it's good to be friends so it's there when the lust is gone. But I even had a dream recently about me wanting to get together with one of his OTHER friends just to talk (because I wanted to hang out with the guy so I would realize that he's not as good as my boyfriend. Because I would have a tiny crush on him until then.)You have to understand that I've NEVER thought I'd have these thoughts. It's killing me and I feel so guilty!!! My boyfriend would NEVER think these things. And I know the things I mentioned are tiny.. but I've always heard to make a list of ten things you want and don't want in a man and don't settle for less. So should these little things worry me? I can't believe I've been at all interested in other men.. that has NEVER happened I don't know what to do!!!!
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best friend, crush, flirt, has a girlfriend, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mousepad +, writes (5 July 2008):
mousepad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! These were wonderful answers.
And, I think I was just being a girl and overanalyzing this a little too much. I make it sound worse than it seems. And trust me, I would never cheat on him. If SOMEHOW I ever decided I wanted another guy, I either wouldn't pursue it (most likely) or I would break up with him first. Cheating is just so far off in my book. And I don't mention all the times where I compare him to people by saying he's BETTER. Like, "oh wow my boyfriend treats me so much better than that" ect. He really is great and I understand that. I think all this was was me feeling guilty. I love him so much and I know we are great together. I just worry a lot, and I get emotional at certain times of the month... (seriously. I have PMDD --PMS times a thousand-- and it makes me freak out and emotional and doubt everything). So really that's probably mostly what this was all about. I feel so much better now. :)
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-wasted-my-life-on-a-loser-now.html
Read this woman's post and then ask yourself, are you about to make the same mistake as this woman made 20 years ago?
A crush is a wonderful thing but it will always fade. True love only gets stronger but it happens so slowly you don't notice it until it is gone.
Give in to the desire of the crush and you will be yet another person fleeting from partner to partner always looking for that first rush that just never lasts.
Some people can life like that and it can be very exciting BUT make sure that is what you want.
If you are just not ready to get married, then give him up, plenty of women who would happily kill you for a guy like that and go after the ones you KNOW aren't threating their gf's right but do sent your heart a flutter.
Just don't come back in 20 years and complain that love has passed you by.
Choose, because you can't have your cake and it eat it too.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Its natural to compare your boyfriend with other men. All my friends think my husband is absolutely wonderful and make comments like, why cant my husband be like that, or treat me like that etc etc. Single friends always tell me how luck I am and say can I clone him for them.
Well they dont have to live with him and he's not that bloody perfect!! I sometimes compare him to other men too, small things like he struggled with his weight in the past. I admit to looking at slimmer men and thinking I wish he had a body like that. He has now lost 2 stone but it made no difference to the love and attraction I felt or continue to feel for him, I WANT him everyday!
The point is there will always be small things that you would change if you could but most of us love our men they way they are and the changes are not major things. If you want to change absolutely every aspect of him then he is not the right man for you.
I fancied my man the minute I clapped eyes on him and yes that feeling of wanting to know how they feel is wonderful and its a great time in a relationship when you get to know someone. The problem I forsee here is you may find that if you do start a new relationship in the future you will feel this way again and want to move on. Some people love the feeling of falling in love but move on each time it fades to get that feeling with someone else.
SO decide, do you really want to be with him forever, if you do then you just have to accept that even if you had those feelings with him they would have faded by now.
Why not try new things to make the spark reappear by keeping the relationship fresh, meet up in a bar and pretend you dont know each other, make sure people can hear your conversation and when you leave together make it clear why, you will get a real buzz and the sex will be fantastic!!!! Really brings the zest back into a good relationship.
Those feelings you are looking for are caused by chemicals being released so have lots of sex and get that loving feeling back!!!!(there is a bit more to it but too complicated to go into and lots of different theories too)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 July 2008):
I do know what you mean as I am married and will never fancy another man again. But the difference between you and I is that I did fancy my husband. Even though I knew he liked me first, I still had the nervous "will he like my hair if I put it up like this?" type of silliness and it was great.
I think what you need to do is stop being so comfortable and stuck in a rut with your boyfriend. Spend some time apart, give yourself a chance to miss each other. My hubbie is in the army and I know that when he comes home next I won't have seen him for ages and I'll be running round like a schoolgirl before her first date checking my lipstick for the 800th time.
Go on holiday with your friends, fly off and visit someone you know who lives far away. See if you feel free by being away from him or whether you get really excited at the thought of him coming home.
You do need passion in a relationship but there is nothing wrong with you being the one to inject it back in. Flirt and dress up and do something to get a reaction out of him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (5 July 2008):
 I get the feeling you're starting to think the grass is greener on the other side......
This will unsettle you in your relationship and it's what's making you compare your boyfriend with other men. Do you want a more exciting man in your life? You say that your partner is your best friend and that you love him, but I think the thought of spending the rest of your life with him is freaking you out a bit, after all you're very young and there are plenty of fish in the sea eh!
What you are craving is the first flush of love, the excitement of meeting and persuing someone new, as you're in an established relationship you have to ask yourself if these feelings you have are likely to lead you to cheat on your partner, if so, do the decent thing and finish with your boyfriend, be honest and tell him you need a break, you of course take the chance of losing him, and you may regret spoiling what seems to me to be a good relationship.
If you feel that your partner is the one for you consentrate on putting a bit more excitement back into your relationship, see if you can get the spark back with your boyfriend. You will find this difficult to do if you are forever comparing your boyfriend with the other men you are finding attractive, even though as you say you wouldn't date them if you could, doesn't that say something to you?
I'm sure you can work through this phase, and I hope you do right by your boyfriend. If you let these feelings get out of control and do something to actually test if indeed the grass is greener on the other side, you may find that you not only lose your partner, but your best friend too!
Good luck and take care.
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