A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a custody battle with my ex. I was experiencing fanancial difficulties so stupidly asked my ex if he could have the children live with him until I had a tax rebate. After 2 weeks my money provlems were sorted so asked for them back but he's refusing to let them back home. I've seen a solicitor and as he's named on their birth certificate and being looked after ok he has equal parental rights as me. This shocked me and I'm completely heartbroken that my ex would do this to me. I raised them for 8 years without much help or support from him. He's married with another child on the way and lives with his mother in a tiny house, my kids and the new baby will be sleeping in a box room. To make matters worse when my ex brought the kids down for me to have them on my day off I'd had a massive argument with my current boyfriend, he was wound up that I was getting so upset about my custody problems and decided to confront the kids dad. He's quite big and I think he scared him so he phoned the police. Yes I know he shouldn't of done it but he didn't hurt him he just got a little angry with him for putting me through this. So because the police were called social services sent me a letter, they always do send out letters if they are called to a domestic, but he's using that as me being unstanble and I shouldn't let my boyfriend anywhere near my kids. Because I told him that he can't dictate who I see and I'm still seeing my boyfriend and he's there when the kids come down he decided to call the police again today just because my boyfriend was in my house with me and my children. His wife came in my house refused to leave demanding I give my kids to her. This has nothing to do with her and my ex sent his heavily pregnant wife in my house to sort it out while he waited outside. My ex was very violent to me infront of my children when we wre together and now he's using the fact that I have a boyfriend who he finds a little intimidating because of his size as a tool for keeping my children. I don't know what to do its destroying me and because I was distraut at my ex phoning the police on me yet again when I've not done anything my current boyfriend got annoyed again and had a go at me for snapping at him. I didn't snap at him but I think he feels guilty that this is kind of caused by him. But then again I don't think my ex has any right to call the police just because he doesn't like my boyfriend. I feel like everyone is against me and to be honest I feel a little suicidal at times, its like me against everyone. He's totally unsupportiv e of what I'm going through or do you think its understandable to get so annoyed with the situation?
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heartbroken, money, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Hi
You do need to do this legally, whatever it costs, as its the only way you can sort it properly. I would definately go back to the solicitor with an update this week. This situation could drag on for years otherwise. Their home is with you, their rooms and all their things are with you. It must be so confusing for the kids.
Were you and your Ex married or just living together?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): Plus they do want to come home as they cry when they leave and have told me they wanted to. The police man asked them yesterday without me or my ex being in the room and said they wanted to stay with me. My ex works nights so doesn't look afte them at night and hardly sees them through the day as he's asleep. So I just find it rediculous that his wife is seeing them more than either of us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): I have no idea why he won't return them to me, it may be because they want a council house. They live with his mother and will have three children sleeping in a tiny room. He will get tax credits and benefits. This isn't why I want them back I miss them so much and 2 days a week isn't enough. I work full time and I earn good money he only reason I got into difficulty is because my tax credits that helped pay for my childminder was investigated, they do random checks, but it took 2 months sorting it out and I had to pay £180 a week to my childminder. Even he would struggle with that and they have two wages coming in. I obviously wouldn't stop him seeing them as I asked for help while I sorted things out. I don't understand why people think I just handed them over, I had hardly any money to survive with, £180 a week totally drained me, it was a last resort and we had an agreement that he would let them come back when it was sorted out. I've been to a solicitor and I have to pay costs myself as I have so much in my bank account now from this rebate. I can't get legal aid so its obvious I'm not doing this for financial reasons like I think he is. Yes my boyfriend should not of done that at all but I think its rediculous that they think hey can just call the police over everything. I'm a good mother who thought I was doing the right thing but now it looks like I just abandoned them.if I went up his house and he and is wife were arguing I certainly wouldn't call he police, his wife has sent me many abusive texts before this happened, she's very young and has a temper when it comes to me. I know this sounds bad but people have suggested it may be jealousy because she isn't very attractive, I don't believe someone would act like that over being jealous but a lot of people have told me that. I honestly believe that they would like nothing more than to see me fail and take away everything I love the most. My boyfriend is lovely really he just finds this situation really hard. They even took my kids away on holiday without telling me, I rang his mother and they'd gone away. That's the type of people they are
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 August 2012):
Frankly everyone seems to be forgetting the impact this must be having on your poor children. It’s not about you, your ex or your boyfriend, who by the way needs to keep his temper under control or your ex is going to get good ammunition to use against you. If you can’t all agree a custody arrangement in a civilised way together, you will need to look at the legal options. Courts normally award custody to the mother and give access rights to the father which you then must stick to. Why is your ex refusing to return the children to you? Is it to spite you, or because he fears you will block his access to them if they return to live with you? Sadly some women do this and it can be devastating for the fathers and the children.
Essentially, because relations seem to have broken down and there’s not a lot of good will here, you need to speak again with a solicitor and advise them of how the situation is progressing and what your concerns are. Make sure that you or your boyfriend don’t give your ex any reason to report you, that way the police will eventually see that if they keep being called for no reason it’s vindictiveness on your ex’s part. Also, you will need to explain why you handed them over, and what steps you’ve taken to ensure that your financial situation is now much better, and that these circumstances won’t arise again. You may be advised to try family mediation before a court hearing, where some-one neutral will try and help you work out an arrangement and allow each to put their side across. The point is that, if you can’t all work together in the best interests of these children, irrespective of whose fault that is, you need to take this to the legal level and follow recommended advice.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 August 2012):
Hi
You deserve a medal for not cracking up under the strain. I dont know why you handed over the kids for 2 weeks theres always a way to get help with money when you have children, loans from Social Fund etc.
The living conditions they are in are rediculous with their father. You need to see a solicitor again and FAST. You need somebody fighting your corner.He may have equal parental rights but he can't just keep them and refuse to give them back.It needs to be sorted out in court once and for all and asap.
You have to stop the arguments between you,your ex and your new boyfriend,this will only go against you. The tension must be terrible for your kids so they will suffer. Your not alone, people will help if you reach out, you need to put the KIDS first and please try to keep a COOL HEAD.
They have been with you since birth and as a mum you have rights remember.You handed them over making it clear it was temporary.
Wish you all the luck in the world. x
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