A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I love my husband more than anything. He is a great dad and works really hard. However I am trying to think of ways to save our marriage as he just doesn’t see things from my point of view and very rarely listens to me unless it’s in an argument. Tonight I have really lost the will. Here are my issues. When we met, he had 2 kids. I love them so much, but their mum caused a lot of issues. We had to go to court to see them and won. This was around 5 years ago. We got married and had a gorgeous child and my step children adore her. However I am now resentful because I saved up money to get a mortgage and I brought us our home for everyone. I have to do all the cleaning, finances, take care of our child and them (he does spend time with everyone tho) and work. I never get any appreciation and when the step kids come, I feel like a stranger in my home. I have tried so many times to talk to my husband about my feelings, but he just doesn’t listen unless it’s an argument. Today, for example, my step daughter always hugs everyone goodbye, apart from me. It always hurts me, so I leave the room when the goodbyes start. Today, my husband was just watching it and looks at me as if to say, she ain’t gonna hug you and then he laughed at me. He knows this hurts me. I treat his children like my own, I take them shopping, spend time doing activities etc, but when they come home, it’s always Dad this, Dad that. I always have to go out my way to do stuff with them. We have been together 9 years btw when the children were 2 and 6. I dread the weekends now. Another occasion, I asked for some appreciation, but this lasts a week and goes back to normal. He always buys himself some beers at the weekend, but never offers me anything. I get up every night with our daughter and he does nothing. Even when I have work the next day. I just want a break away from him for a few days so he can appreciate what I do for him. I am thinking about going to stay at my parents with our daughter. Advice needed please as I don’t want to end my marriage. I am just more of a mum and waitress rather then a wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): Stop doing everything for everyone . As a mother of four and a stepmom of one I’ve been there and done that so take it from me . You need to do what you need to do FOR YOU and YOUR child . His children will not appreciate you unless or until they chose to RESPECT you and that likely
Won’t be until they see that you treat Yourself with respect . Same for
Husband . Your resources including emotional resources are very valuable pull back and stop being a people pleaser . I know it’s hard but I know from
Personal experience that respect never comes from giving . Believe it or not people respect those who they are forced to think twice about taking for granted . People who ARE NOT there for them with the warm meal and people who are busy helping theirselves actually get the respect . My husband is a very selfish person yet I’ve always been the giver in our family . Who do you think always got the respect ? That was until i learnt to start being a little more selfish like him . Now others don’t assume they can treat me like a doormat . It’s seems content interintive but try being more selfish . Looks around society and you’ll see that men are usually very self focussed and treated well whilst women tend to focus on family and others and are treated like dirt
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): You're what's known as a caregiver. You put others before yourself; until it becomes established with everyone that's who and what you are. Everyone counts on your kindness and generosity; that you give so freely not asking for anything in return. Then they become spoiled, entitled, and they will take your kindness and love for granted. Husbands and children are the most guilty culprits. Taking mom for granted. They begin the feel it's your job. You should be glad to do it.
Mom's fault for over-extending herself; and always trying to be super-mom. Even when it's not necessary. If you're too tired, ask him to help-out. Ask only once. Don't hem and haw or beat around the bush. Ask straight-out. Say nothing if he doesn't comply. Leave it undone. It will drive you nuts, but leave it. Then ask him again. Please! Never mention it again. Leave it.
Let clothes pile-up, or dishes stack. Let yard-work go undone. He'll look neglectful, not you.
Bills have to be paid on-time. If he doesn't help, it's because you'll jump to pay them without asking for help. Insist on help, and you'll likely get it. Act like you can do it all, and you will.
If he needs to drive you somewhere and won't do it; next time he needs a favor, say no. Don't say why. He'll know.
If he tries to pick a fight. Ignore him.
When you met, he was attracted to that part of you that you went overboard to sell as your greatest asset. You loved his kids, you are ambitious, independent, and as good of a provider as he is. He can sit-back on auto-pilot; and you'll take the wheel! Now you've pumped the brakes a few times; and you're realizing you're doing all the driving. He's sleeping on the passenger side!
Sorry, but kids are kids. They'll love you the way they wish to love you. Be they your biological or step-kids, they can be "funny." They don't like kisses when they get a certain age; when at one time they wouldn't allow you to put them down, or leave the room. They snuggle-up to you when they're little; and act like you'll give them chickenpox if you hug them when they get a little older.
Girls are famous for drawing their emotional boundary-lines. They're touchy, snooty, moody, and quick to demonstrate how much they don't like you. They may decide to be daddy's little girl, and mommy will do in a pinch. You changed the stinky diapers, sat-up all night with fevers, remembered all their birthdays, and wore the puke-stained blouses; but she adores daddy! Wait and see with your own little daughter.
Don't expect more when your step-daughter lives with her biological-mother. You're still her step-mother; and she will decide when you are more than that. Her mother may have some influence on her; but you know girls, they design their own feelings. Little boys seem indifferent. Harder to tell. They're nice one minute, and treat you like they just met you the next.
You're a blended-family; but you're still relatively young and going through adjustments with a second-family and marriage. You've spoiled your husband out of love, by proving yourself to be a really great wife and mom. It is something I can tell from how you've written your post. It's teaming with love and affection for your husband, and all the kids; but you're young and all this stuff is hard.
Take your daughter and spend a little time with your parents just to get your head together. When you do it, don't make it appear you're doing it out of protest, or you're broken. Just do it because you damn well feel like it. You're his equal. You can decide you want some time-off to pull yourself together, to be around your folks, and have your little one all to yourself. I think it would be therapeutic. However; you need to learn how to make your husband take you seriously. Show some backbone. Don't argue! State your case, make your point; then leave it. It takes practice.
Don't whine, be assertive. Don't beg for his approval or cooperation; demand it. Let him know, you are husband and wife. You're tired of being treated as lesser of the team; and begging for equality and rights. If he can't talk and work things out; then separation could become permanent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): Thank you for your advice.
Not sure what to do about my husband though and how he takes me for granted so much. This won’t change either though counselling. Xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 I'd say tone down the "trying too hard".
The kids DO NOT OWE you hugs. Doesn't mean they don't like you. It might be awkward for the kids ESPECIALLY if they mom have told them to NOT hug you, you just don't know. OR the kids FEEL the hugs are for only certain people. ACCEPT that, don't pull a sad face or leave the room, just PRETEND it's OK. Smile and wave...
YOU DO NOT want kids to feel FORCED to physical show of emotions, like hugging. Ir reminds me of all those people who were "forced to hug and kiss old smelly uncle so and so "- not that you are old or smelly... but it's making the kids HAVING to do this when they aren't sure they want. THEY need to come to a point where they want to.
I'm NOT a hugger. I do hug my kids and husband and when "forced" his family - but I am also an adult who understand that it is "expected" of me to do so on occasions.
As for doing "stuff" with his kids/the step kids. SET some time on visiting weekends that is JUST them and Dad. You hire a babysitter for the little one and TAKE your feet up for a could of hours. Or go get hair/nails done, go for coffee with a friend or WHATEVER.
He has the "job" of entertaining, caring for, cleaning up after THE STEPKIDS either Saturday or Sunday. Let's say it's Saturday, then on Sundays you ALL do something together as a FAMILY. If the weather is nasty, indoor board-games, hot chocolate or bake cookies together, if the weather is nice, find outdoor stuff to do.
I think you are TRYING to hard to be "Super Stepmom." They ALREADY have a mom. Whether she is a good one or not, is irrelevant. My guess is that they feel you are trying to BE mom. So cut down on the "buying them stuff" (because you can't buy love) and don't go out of your way to CATER to them. KEEP things simple. They shouldn't EXPECT the red carpet treatment when at Dad's house. Or you bending over backwards to please the kids.
I would also suggest you go either online, Amazon or to a book store and find some books on how to SUCCESSFULLY step parent. And how to deal with blended families and step kids. There are SUCH a huge selection on this subject! When you find one that feels right for YOUR family ask your husband to read it too and work on implementing some of the suggestions - a few (or one) at a time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 Oh, you shouldn't end a marriage over this. Your husband could be more sympathetic though. You've never been a step mom before, and he has never dealt with your situation either, so he doesn't know how sensitive you got. His children is young. On your side, their mom is the trouble maker but his children's loyalty will be with her. As a blended family, you need time to earn trust with each other. If you divorce him (not saying you don't have the right to feel this way, you absolutely do), then the children get the proof that adult relationships don't last and there is no point on building a bond.
Children are born to have fun. They assume that adults are another species that are happy with their chores. When they grow up they will realize we are not that much different from them, only that we can't complain and we can't ask for appreciation. The only appreciation you get is that they are healthy and happy.
You don't know how much power you have. You can set the pace and the mood in the house. Set an intention each day and goals to do, but don't over work. You are talking about step children not hugging you. They are not disrespecting you or calling you names. You can delegate chores. The younger one can set the table and the older one can help with dishes. If there is resistance, honestly tell them you are tired, can't do it all and would really appreciate some help. When there are family celebrations you can ask the step children to help with making cards and decorations, and of course, clean up afterwards. The more you act like you ARE part of family, the more they will be convinced.
As for your husband, I think you both can benefit from courses on how to improve blended family relationships. I think there needs to be more resources on this, but I am sure you can find something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): Do it. Take the kid and go to your parents for a few days. Leave hima note to say you are on holiday and he must cover all things at home. He is 50 percent responsible for the running of the home and family too.You have allowed him to take advantage of you so you'll have to use the time away wisely. Plan a list of boundaries you will set in place. If he does't follow them then leave again.He will eventually get the message.
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