A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm not really sure where to start with this one or how to word it without coming across like I'm playing the victim so il just say how it is best I can. Basically I am in my 30s with three children. 11,13 and 10 weeks. My newest addition was a complete surprise as I was on contraception and was due to start a very well paid job but as it stands now I am on benefits and paying out of my ear for rent which is full price and am relying on loans which are just crippling me. My sister on the other hand is on some special type of benefit with her partner and has two kids under 5 they are pulling in around 12 a week or so they have told me as he also does odd jobs. Now I'm glad their getting on well in life but I am in no way on the same kind of money as them or the rest of my family and I'm being attacked and put down every time I say I can't afford to attend family events etc.. my sister says oh well we all have bills so it's not just you. (Their rent is also half of mine) my children are starting secondary school and I'm getting no help from their dad I can't even afford to bring him to court because I need to pay something towards legal aid which I literally don't have and I'm maxed out on loans ?? I am trying my very best but my kids and keeping this roof over our heads is my only priority ATM and I'm constantly getting ridiculed by my sister, always putting me down saying it's my own fault I'm in this mess ( I left my home to get away from my children's abusive father and was offered shelter with my other sister who has a substantial income. She offered to pay my rent in a new place until I can be approved housing she said she could do this for a year. It lasted one month of full payment and then two months half payments. I was told if I didn't pay the rent I'd have to go into a hostel as I didn't meet the criteria as I had left my own house) anyway I am struggling so much ATM and I never see or get contacted by my family they only want me wen it's family gatherings and I'm sure that's just to make up the numbers. But we all live a good distance away from eachother so I cannot afford the coach fares for these events plus new outfits etc. I'm not trying to come across as poor me because yes I did leave my home and my security but I was in a position where I had to and my sister begged me to move and that she'd help me. I would have never of done that if I knew the help would stop and I'd be facing homelessness. it's not her I'm upset with thou it's my other sister. She constantly rubs in my face that she's got this and that and is getting this etc and then puts me down to other people. She's getting married next year and told me she's having her he. Night abroad two months prior to it which is same time as my child's confirmation. She asked if I could go and I said there's no way I could afford it, with having to renew my passport as well and the confirmation and Christmas not long before it. I apologised but she lost it with me calling me selfish saying yeah yeah well I have three weddings to go to next year we all have bills and to get over myself. Then bitching to the rest about me. All are very close and see eachother regularly. I'm suffering from pnd ATM and awaiting tests to find out if I have breast cancer I'm so very sad with everything and do not know how to deal with this all. I can't speak to any of them as I feel like I'm being judged or looked down on for being the poor one. What should I say or do to resolve this I'm at the end of my tether and just can't cope anymore. I just want to have a supportive family. I'm. It asking for hand outs or sympathy just some empathy but no matter what I say or do I'm wrong
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 Go to citizens advice surely they can help you. I am from Ireland and their is help out there just don't give up. Speak to a solicitor you should qualify for legal aid where you don't have to pay to get maintenance from your ex.
As for your family, the thing is they don't understand what you are going through and they think you are just pushing them away and making excuses for not having money. Honestly what I think you should do is cut contact for a while, tell them they keep bringing you down and it is making your depression worse. Also go to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling for you PND.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): First off most church consuler do not have any education in actual therapy and consuling. There is low or no cost therapists? everywhere you just have to look.Get a real one with a degree. You can do it.Call social services they can direct you or you can even look online yourself.., Google is a great place to start just look for free or low cost consuling in your area.You recently left an abusive situation.A women's shelter might be a good place for you.They can help you get on your feet again and also get the help you so desperately need.As for your family they seem selfish if they expect you to forgo the things you need for your children just to visit them. As for child support... Google again...free or low cost lawyer.This is to support your children they deserve this support. If he was abusive and you can prove it child support does not mean visitation. Every time you feel down hug your kids and remember as they grow life will get easier.You got this you can do this you are much stronger than you think.You will be ok.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): Thank you for your replies :) firstly I wish to say that I have been to the council, tds and all of the things I could do to sort housing. I have to be in a three bedroom house to qualify for housing assistance as I've a boy and they can't share a room (I'm in Ireland not England) I had to wait 18 months to get back into a housing list and submit a mountain of stuff to them with referrals and police reports and I've only recently had my interview to see if I'm approved so fingers crossed there. Also there is a huge housing crisis over here and this I got this house 100 euro cheaper than it should have been and it's a great price for the size and location and since then this town has gone above and beyond the normal rent bracket whereas mine has stayed the same. I'm in a big threebed house and it's the same price as a two bed apartment in a bad block so I've been lucky to get anywhere this cheap. As for cutting down costs I'm living on a budget of no luxuries. My kids can't go to parties and if they need something then we have to without something else that week. I've had help from svp over the Christmas and they were great and helped so much. The point of maintenance and the kids dads. Well the first dad and I broke up over abuse 7 years ago he has a child with someone else and now recently got back with her so has decided to not see our kids or pay maintenance again so I'm down 320 a month which was court ordered and I now have to wait for that to be sorted too. My new babies dad and I were only together a short time I was on contraception but my medication interfered with it and I ended up pregnant. Her dad has been great and has helped me so much and pays maintenance on time and takes her to help me out.. I have been through many hard times and I get back up. I know I'm a survivor I had an awful childhood and was practically always minding my sibling so didn't have much of a life before I met my ex. Anyways my past has made me strong and I preach to my children the kind of world we live in and for them to be good honest people. My problem is that when I'm down. It's like my family like to see me there! I don't know why and I've mentioned it before and apparently it's in my head but a lot of my friends have noticed it too that my family are not there for me. They all drive but don't come to see me even if they are nearby which always upsets me. In family occasions when I have gone to see them I'm mocked and looked down on and I just don't understand why ? They haven't had to go tru the things I've had to and they know everything yet they like to see me at my lowest. I've always sent their children cards with money even when I don't have it as il be talked about if I don't like I'm being scrubby and they have ten kids between them. One sister tells me it's okay she's knows I don't have it but then I find out she's bitching to another oh Sarah has no money again surprise surprise I just can't win and that's what's getting to me. I can only do my best and I would never treat people like that. I feel alone and whenever I mention it to themIt's brushed off like I'm being over dramatic. I guess all I can do is cut ties for awhile and just concentrate on me and mine. That is until the next event and they msg me and then the whole cycle starts again. I was even called selfish for booking my child's christening and my sister decided to have her sons bday party the same day. The christening has been booked since the baby was born and my sister only sprung this on me now recently that she has her sons bday the week before that and wanted that day and now she has to change her plans and I'm selfish coz she's three birthdays to attend that month. I just can't win I'm just glad I'm not the only one that can see it. As others have said it's getting ridiculous at this stage
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): People of faith turn to their clergy leaders. Sometimes there are charities, free counseling, and comfort available anytime you need it. They also make referrals to charitable organizations that support any denomination. Regardless of faith or religion. When you need help, don't be too proud; It's for the children. Not about your pride!
You should see a social-worker to determine what you can do to enhance your benefits for the children. You should still get child-support enforcement. You don't always have to hire a lawyer, if he was ordered by the court. It's enforceable. I sense that it's more that you just don't want to be bothered with him. If that's the case, you'll have to struggle alone. Every obstacle you've mentioned has been overcome by other single-mothers. You haven't gone to the right sources. You have a computer, seek them out. Women's organizations are scattered everywhere and they help women down on their luck. They help you find daycare so you can get to work.
Family can be our worst enemy. You can't take all the lies and gossip to heart. You're raising three young children by yourself; and being too sensitive will weaken your resolve, and zap you of your fortitude. Let their mean words make you stronger. You can't stop what people say behind your back; and you can't stop what people will choose to believe about you. So you have to let it roll off your back.
Everyone's life and circumstances are different. You can't always believe what they brag about; because it's behind the curtain where the real truth lies. If you could be a fly on the wall, it ain't all peaches and cream like they claim. Comparing your circumstances with that of your siblings is what keeps you in an emotional tizzy. Who's got more than whom? If they don't help and taunt you; things swing around and place them at your mercy. Being evil backfires, and what goes around comes around. You should never wish it upon them; but that's what such meanness begets.
Yes, sometimes people make promises they can't keep; or their good-intentions fall through. Such is life. We all struggle under our own weight. You have access to a computer; so seek as much help as you can.
Children are a blessing, not a burden. Life is tough with or without them. If you bring them into this world unprepared; that's your fault. We all should minimize our complaints, or hand them over to anybody who can do better. Apparently you're doing your best, or they'd be taken from you involuntarily. Pat yourself on the back, I see your post as venting. Not complaining. Someone cares. I do!
If you can't make the trip for a family-event; send a card appropriate to the occasion, and make a phone call to wish them well. Apologize beforehand that you can't make it, because you can't afford to. End of conversation. If they balk and insult you, just take the higher road and say you're sorry. Hang-up! Don't slam the phone, put it down.
If rumors and evil-speak ripples through the family; only visit the people who treat you the nicest. Stop trying to stomp-out fires. It's a waste of time and energy. Your whole family isn't evil. It takes a lot of effort to spread bad news throughout an entire family. You would wonder why everyone picks on you in particular, when it arrives. Then they know they could be victims of gossip from the same people.
You're not saying anything wrong. It's their right to accept or reject it. If you disappoint them; they choose to attack your sensitivities. Only because you make it so easy for them. You're an easy target. People go for our softest spots when they're angry with us. Or, they can also be envious. You don't have to have a whole lot for people to envy you.
Only they will know why. The point is to hide it and punish you for it.
You're worn-out and exhausted. Life takes it's toll. When the kids all hug you and you look into their innocent little faces; all they see is their mommy, and the best person in the world. The lady who breaks her back to keep her family together, keeps them fed, a roof over your heads, and clothed. You have more to be proud of than you give yourself credit for. Surviving on little to nothing takes strength and wit. Keen survival skills. They kick you when you're down; but in the end, you'll see the blessing and the victory. Once you hit bottom, there's no place to go but up.
I'll remember a prayer for you and yours. There are days when our burdens are heavy; but your babies have enough love for you to make it a little lighter and easier. If you worship, you also know there's someone above who is looking out for all of you as well. If you qualified for a good job before, you will again. Inquire to the same place, so they'll keep you in mind if another position opens. Never give-up on one failed-attempt.
Bless you, my dear!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Stop talking to your family for a while. They just bring you down. And find a place with cheaper rent! You know you CAN NOT survive on loans, that's not a solution to anything and will only make matters worse. You need to cut down costs and find a cheaper home. This is crucial. And you should qualify for some governmental support as you left your old home not out of free will, but because you had to do it for your own safety and the safety of your children.
I would think you would qualify for free legal counseling. Get to the library, borrow their computer, google and make calls. Explain to people why you had to leave and don't leave out the ugly details, if that's what it takes to get you help and get your finances sorted out.
Stop talking to people who only bring you down and don't help you out. At least for now. Even if they are family. It will bring you no good.
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