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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am 25 yrs old guy and facing a difficult situation where i am to get married soon but feel that it would do injustice to my parents and others who want to depend on me for their emotional needs. I feel that it is my duty to give first priority to my wife after marriage and this disturbs me as i may not be able to keep emotional ties with other people. I feel guilty and think that i am being a bad person by ignoring the needs of my parents and significant others. I rarely think about respecting my own needs. Please advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): OMG! You are sooo Codependent my love.
Definition Of Codependency: Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is ADDICTED TO HELPING SOMEONE. THEY NEED TO BE NEEDED. This addiction is sometimes so strong, the codependent will cause the other person to continue to be needy. This behavior is called enabling. A codependent often suffers from a 'Messiah Complex' where he sees problems with everyone and sees himself as the only person who can help; trying to be 'Mr. Fixit' for everyone...even those who don't feel they need anything fixed.
Codependency Test: Take this test to find out if you're helping people who need or needing people to help:
1. Do you feel demeaned, hurt or offended when someone you love tells you they don't need your help?
2. In the last year, has anyone resorted to arguing, begging or raising their voice to get you to stop trying to help them?
3. If you had plenty of money and your child, sibling or parent had an addiction to drinking, spending, gambling or drugs, and they asked you for money to help with their necessary expenses (food, rent, clothes, bills), would you give them the money?
4. When someone shares a life or relationship problem with you, but doesn't ask for help, do you offer help or advice, anyway?
5. When you survey your relationships, do you find yourself surrounded by mostly people who need you?
6. Do you ever find yourself making excuses for the needy people in your life?
7. If someone you love has a substance abuse, emotional, spending or gambling problem, do you avoid confronting them?
8. Do you measure your self-esteem by how much someone depends on you?
9. Do you ever remind people where they would be without you?
A. If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, read the rest of this article and monitor yourself for the next 3 months to verify your answers.
B. If you answered 'yes' to 3 or more of the above, you may have a codependency problem. Read the rest of this article, get a trusted friend who is independent of you to keep you accountable, and read a couple books on the subject of codependence.
C. If you answered 'yes' to 5 or more of the above, do 'A' & 'B' above and ask your friend to attend an alanon, narconon or codependents anonymous meeting with you.
GET BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT. GET HELP NOW!
A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (12 October 2007):
It is the normal condition of humans to move from their parents and start a new family. This does not mean you need to ignore your family, it just means you will have less time for them.
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A
female
reader, Titania70  +, writes (12 October 2007):
By getting married, you've obviously made the choice to create your own family and that should be your priority. Ideally, your parents / friends / siblings will respect that choice and not compete for your attention. It's about love. The people outside your marriage should understand that your family is now your priority. It doesnt mean you love them any less, it just means that your family needs your support first. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (12 October 2007):
 When you get married your first and foremost priority should be your wife, then your parents/family/siblings. When you have children, your priority should still be your wife (she came first) then your kids, and then your parents/family etc. This doesn't mean you have to ignore your parents. You can always have them over for dinner frequently, or make it a weekly thing for you and your wife to have brunch every Sunday and share quality time with them. You may not be at their house every day, or involved in their daily activities anymore, but you can still be a loving son, as well as a wonderful husband. Don't feel guilty about becoming an adult and having a family of your own. They will understand and love and respect you for being a man. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Life is about compromise. Some times the needs of your family will take priority and other times it will be your wife's needs. You must have been with your future wife for a reasonable amount of time in order to decide to marry her, i am sure that during that time situations will have arrison where you have had to judge who needed you most at the time. This shouldnt be any different after marriage.
I dont see why you would have to cut your emotional ties to your family because you are getting married, My partner never asked that of me and i would never ask it of her. Try not to forget you in all this. Your family and future wife are as responsible for your emotional needs as you are for theirs. Dont carry the weight of the world when the burden is not yours to bear alone, are they not mature enough to solve some of their own problems? take care
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2007):
 Time to respect your own needs. You can still provide emotional support to others, just don't focus all your time on it. It wouldn't be fair to you or your future wife. Don't feel guilty about doing something for you. Think of it in this direction. If you're not happy, you can't be positive emotional support for others.
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