A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Please Don't Judge me for the following question(s):I am 16 years old, and I am gay. (A lot of people may argue with the fact I am certain of my sexuality because I'm at such a confusing age, but I know, I have always known.) For the past few years growing up through school, I find myself hating the fact that I am attracted to men more and more. The truth is, it's not that I hate being attracted to men... it's more how I hate my up coming future as a gay man. I never chose to be gay, It was thrusted upon me.I live in a very homophobic neighbourhood. It's a terrible place, where homosexuals are seen to be unnatural, and to have the wounds (both physical and emotional) to tell the tale. People really hate homosexuals here, so much, that they would be completely rejected from the society. Something, I know I won't be able to deal with. To loose all of my friends and live in fear from homophobic's, just by saying the 2 words "I'm Gay" Is something I fear.I've read that parents will love you no matter what, they just want you to be happy. I think this is cliché, as I know that my parents would not react in such a brightening fashion. Their Patronising personalities really makes me so angry. For example, I went to church for a bit last year. But I quit it because my Dad kept saying "Now you're a good christian, you should always pray before you go to bed, make sure you say AMEN! You don't want to anger the almighty god!". He said this in the most PATRONISING voice ever. I couldn't deal with this quote, and others. Another example was when I went to the Gym once. My mother started squeezing my arms and saying "Oh look. Your staring to turn into a proper MAN! (She said "man" like an american diva) Corr! The girls will fancy you now!" . I understand that these could be seen as funny speeches, all taken in light humour, but I dread to think what they might say if I came out of the closet. Another factor that would plus to the fear of my parents rejection, is the fact that I have a Perfect Older Brother. I am constantly being compared to him as he is so blatantly the favourite son. Rash words, I know. But the way we are both treated is so different, even my Nan pointed it out.I was completely fine with my sexuality, until one family reunion. My cousin was talking about his girlfriends.etc And when I said I'd never had a girl friend. He said "Oh, you should start dating them ;) Just as long as you don't date guys, then everything will be fine! haha!" I gave out a completely fake laugh. This hit me. My cousin was really popular, he was a social icon. He was a typical popular guy, who had his issues with gay men. Since then, I'd always been aware of my friends who had homophobic personalities. One friend of mine said. "I hate "gays" I hate the way they dress! I hate their voices! I hate the way the walk!" As if every homosexual man was this warn out stereotype, which I strived to be different from. I never spoke to him again... I was too scared he would some how analyse me and find out my secret.But I'm mostly scared of the future. In school, we were taught about STI's, particularly HIV and how gay men are more prone to get it. And in one lesson, our teacher (who was a very strict Christian) said "if you ARE gay, you WILL have a premature death". We watched a documentary about HIV/AIDS and it's effects. One thing that will always stick in my mind, is seeing a frail 30 year old. Weak from treatment who couldn't move. He was a gay man who happened to catch HIV which developed into AIDS who died soon after the documentary was made. We were taught how, if you use a condom, you will be safe from this. But recently, my friends being sexually active with their partners, they tell me how the condom BREAKS so easily! Which just scares me just how common and how easily you can get such a terrible illness.I am scared for the fact that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I have always been the weird, shy kid. During most of my classes in school, I would just sit in silence. I think this is because, previously when growing up; I was constantly upsetting people with saying things before I thought about it. So I grew quieter, and quitter into silence. Now I don't even know how to talk to… anyone? But my friends. Also, I have NO idea how to meet a gay man. The VAST majority of men in the UK are straight… so even if I did find a gay man, the possibilities of us "clicking" or even dating are SO slim, it's not worth thinking about.Please, I just beg for reassurance. I feel so alone now. Knowing that I cannot love, when I have so much love to give, is slowly eating me inside. With all of the stressful situations I'm put into on a daily basis, I need someone to help me through the day. But there is no one. I'm so scared of my future. My parents really want grandchildren, and my whole family has homosexuals at the rear end of their jokes. I know I sound whiney, but I am so confused. Do you have any advice for me?Thankyou So much. You don't know how much this means to me, actually having someone read this, I don't feel as bad getting it off my chest.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Hey there!I really respect you and you sound like a really nice guy. Anybody who doesn't accept you isn't worth it and you don't need those people in your life. However, you should only come out when the time is right (it may be tomorrow, it may be months or years, or you may never feel that it's quite right). You aren't lying or cheating anybody by not saying that you're a homosexual, but if they start prying and don't like what you have to say, then it's their problem.Your story has really touched me because this is similar to my life. I only found out about myself really when I was about 18 and I came out when I was 22. I only came out to my parents though but to everybody else I am still very much in the closet and I think noone has any idea. For your info tho, I'm also British and I can't say that I live in the most gay-friendly place, but it's not dangerous for a gay man to live here. I find that as long as a gay man is discrete and doesn't go around waving his hands and acting queeny or camp, then he's not an obvious target.I used to think that I'd never find love for the same reasons as you. I have actually found a parter and have been with him for 3 years now. We have travelled so much together and we go on lots of walks, plus I can talk to him about anything. I recommend that you go on gaydar (a website for gay men to find partners - there are people on there who want a serious monogomous relationship... it's not always just for sex). However, if you meet a guy on there, always meet in a public area for the first few times to ensure your safety! More and more people are turning to the internet now to find the love of their lives. I highly recommend it, as I found mine and never thought I would.One more thing: In life, we're all dealt a hand of cards that we cannot change. It's up to us to do the best with what we got dealt. We got the gay card and that's not our fault, but have confidence in yourself. You sound great!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): First of all, I must clarify that English is not my mother language so I apologize for grammatical or spelling mistakes.To be honest, your story really touched me, because it has great resemblance with mine.Just like you I am sixteen years old and my family is really religious and so really homophobic. And you can’t be more afraid of future than I am. (Although I’m afraid of loads of other things that don’t necessarily concern sexuality)I know how you feel, but perhaps you are thinking this whole situation way more than necessary. All homosexual or bisexual people of the whole wide world go through this at some point in their lives, but usually this happens when they grow older. What I am planning to do for now is wait. Things will occur when they need to occur, don’t push it!! When the time comes I will face it and I will worry for all that stuff THEN. For now I will just relax, being gay is not bad, is not supposed to hurt. (But we all know is never easy) Your young and things may not be what they seem. You Post: “please don’t judge me” you should apply that too. Don’t be so harsh with yourself. I don’t know anything about you, but I don’t have to know you to know this: No one is perfect, everyone has positive and negative things, every human being is beautiful in their own way and everyone has the right to pursuit happiness. You are NOT an exception, you are Not a freak. You may be different though..But that doesn’t make you any less likely to find love; to achieve your goals in life and specially it doesn’t make you any less likely to be HAPPY. At the end isn’t that why we are here for, to be happy??I know that right now everything looks so dark but life is never always like that. Be optimism and perhaps you may get a surprise maybe you were judging your family as well. Who knows perhaps the love they feel towards you is bigger than you think, bigger than how they feel towards homosexuality. Or perhaps you are not the only member of your family and friends that has unresolved issues with their sexuality. It is very common for gay guys to pretend to be homophobic in order to hide their true feelings.. Who knows??For now one step at the time. And why don’t you try to see it this way instead:I am 16, I am in a process to get to know myself, I’m young and sure of my sexuality (how many people can say that) I’m going through a uncomfortable chapter in my life but it won’t last forever, I’m anxious to begin the next chapter in my life because when I do, thanks to all the things that are happening to me know, I will Know what I want and I will get it , I’m not alone and all of this is making me stronger.Love yourself kid, and don’t forget “You are beautiful no matter what they say and words can’t bring you down” (love that song…)Sorry for not having a concrete advice for you (How could I, if I’m going through the same), but I want to thank you because all this time I thought I was the only one struggling with this type of situations, it was great to find out by myself that I’m not.GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
female
reader, mthm616  +, writes (14 August 2011):
Hello. I am a lesbian, and therefore can speak from experience. There will come a time when you absolutely cannot keep it to yourself anymore. It becomes a chore, pretending to be someone you're not. However, when the time is right is a decision you will have to make for yourself.
People react differently than you would think. My parents (divorced) are both very religious. My mom took it extremely well and reassured me time and time again that I am her daughter and she couldn't love me any less, no matter what. My father however didn't talk to me for a long time. He now is finally coming to terms with things and actually met me and my wife for lunch today. He realized I am who I am and it was either accept it, or lose me.
As far as sexual diseases go, don't do anything intimate with someone you can't completely trust. You can get checked pretty often and then even when you are intimate, you can use protection. Just make sure to always be as careful as possible.
Things WILL work out for you. You sound like a great guy and I am sure that you will be able to find your own way in life.
If you have time, I really recommend you check out http://www.itgetsbetter.org/ because I really think it will make you feel better. You're not alone. And things get easier.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, davidnwpa09 +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I would suggest that you take a deep breath and accept your sexual identity. It is a part of you, but not the only part. Your brother may be straight, but that does not make him superior. In fact, nothing does. Just because he has some talents, does not mean that you don't have any. You are a bright, articulate young man who needs support and encouragement that is not fake.As for your family, I wouldn't tell you this if it were not true, but sometimes family members can be real a**holes. They may not mean to be, but if they only knew what buffoons they make of themselves when they talk about gay people as if we are worn out stereotypes. My brother rejected me years ago because I am gay, and I rarely speak with him. I have come to accept that religion has tainted his world view. To that I say, his loss! For your cousin, it is his loss if he cannot deal with you being gay.None of us choose our sexual identity, you are right about that. However, it is definitely not something we should fear or be ashamed of. With that in mind, some friendly advice, go to the CDC website for more accurate information about HIV and AIDS. If you can get to the County Health Department in your community, ask for anonymous advice and information about how HIV is spread and how you can avoid it. Condoms are certainly a start, but so is frequent testing when you become sexually active.As for your comment about the vast majority of Brits being straight, I would have to ask if you live anywhere near London. If not, move there. Plenty of gay and bisexual men live in London. Otherwise, consider studying abroad in America. Incidentally, you can survive this time of your life, if you continue to seek strength from the online community and from close friends. Good luck, and know that you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (13 August 2011):
 No one reading this is going to judge you :). You are who you are and you can't help that. I really don't care for people who are homophobic and the Christians that make homosexuality feel like a crime, because it's not. Homosexuality should be accepted by everyone, not just tolerated. I hate that you're going through this. Things will get better for you. You need to tell your family. The right time is up to you. But your family should know who and what you are. If I were you, I would wait until I could move out and get a place of my own and then tell them. Your parents seem like they would find it very hard to accept this and this could bring more drama than understanding. But the time you decide to tell them is up to you. They will accept this, if not when you tell them, then eventually. But they will always love you no matter who or what you are. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): Hi
I don't know what is right for you but i just want to say not everyone has hate for homosexuals. Strangely enough it tends to be the church that is prejudice and the fact that your family are strict in their faith..it may not go down well telling them but it might? I can not advice you on this topic. Everyone is different some put love above everything and accept us for who we are.
The main thing here is that you don't feel bad when you should not. You know that love is all that really matters in this world , and unfortunatly it can be blocked because of prejudice, which no doubt you will face from many quaters.
I am sure you will grow into a fine young man ,but remember to treat YOU well and be true to you not what others tell you to be. You are you and if you are gay then you are gay, if people like bondage they like bondage, if people like cross dressing,etc if people like different sexual things then in my eyes it's live and let live.
It's the spirit that matters most not the physical.
Don't worry about your future just live in the moment day by day...like we all do...are you artistic and musical? this is really a good way to express emotions that are not easily said.
All the luck in the world...even if you feel the whole world is or will be against you ....it won't be.
day by day..don't rush into anything just enjoy been you.
I send you a rainbow :)
Spunky monkey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): Sorry, my computer posted by accident! Anyway:
For grandchildren, you can adopt or get a surrogate when you meet Mr. Right.
And if your family doesn't approve of you, then they don't deserve you. You sound like a nice guy. If they don't like you, than its there loss. They can go to hell. And if they don't, please say that for me heehee :)
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): I feel for you. I'm not gay, but going to catholic school for 8 years has turned me and most of the people who attended that school against catholism. I believe in god, but some of the bull they teach us? Switching to a public school was the best thing i ever did. Anyway, for yhe HIV/AIDs thing, just because more gay men are prone to it doesn't mean all gay men are going to get it. This is why you ALWAYS wear a condom and get checked for STDs on a regular basis. I'm not sure a condom breaks that easily, but it kind of sounds like bs. I would look that one up. As for your parents and community, you have two options.
1. Come out and be proud
2. Wait till college to come out. Then you are out of the house and far away, in a more accepting enviroment. You can move into an apartment. If you think your family will be that bad, I suggest not coming out to them until after college. Some ignorant people would pull the plug on your college tuition. In the mean time you can have some close, accepting, girl friends pretend to be your girlfriend or something like that.
About finding somebody to love, just because the majority is straight, doesn't mean every person you meet is straight. In the US, we have a whole community of gay men. I believe its called boytown..what I'm saying is is that you can always move.
As for being compared to your older brother, no ones perfect. No one has a favorite child. We are all human. I thought my older sister was "perfect" and that maybe my parents favored her. Then she got pregnant. So much for miss purity ring ;). My parents still love the both of us, but i realized that even though she appeared perfect doesn't she is. I realized my parents didn't favor her, they just wanted me to succeed like she did. I asked them to stop comparing us, and they did.
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