A
male
age
36-40,
*tupid Lullabies
writes:To me this problem seems stupidly complicated but I think I just need some perspective.I am a 21 year old gay guy. I have avoided relationships so far, as I have ridiculously high ideals about commitment and intimacy which aren't matched generally by the gay scene, and to avoid being identified with the archetypal gay lifestyle I have also avoided "coming out" except to one (female) friend.Over the past 3 years I have forged a fairly close relationship with a friend at university. We have a similar temperament and a lot in common. Recently, we've started being a lot more open with each other, even though I haven't yet told him about my sexuality. However, it feels it's become more than friendship for me. The turning point was probably when I crashed in his room one night. Waking up in the morning, seeing him still asleep I realised I wanted to wake up like that every morning.The problem is, he is my best friend. I don't want to feel like this about him. He's straight, he has a girlfriend, as far as he knows, I'm straight. But I feel I can't really go on without something changing. I'm old enough to know this isn't a teenage phase, or a childish infatuation. I don't want to cut him out of my life, but I can't carry on being with him... but being apart at the same time. To make matters even more complicated I will be sharing a house with him next year. I didn't feel the need to tell any of my housemates I was gay, as I didn't see how it made a difference. However this does.. I feel I have some responsibility to let him know how I feel before we live together. But I also don't want to make things unneccesarily awkward, to the point one of us may have to find somewhere else to live. I really don't know what to do.
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male
reader, lboy +, writes (9 July 2007):
 dear reader,
i think u really might be blowing this out of proportion if this guy is such good friends with you then i think there should be no problem telling him that u are gay but i would leave it for a bit of time before you tell him that u have feelings for him ok to give him time to adjust to the situation and then when u tell him how u feel dont carry on talkin about it just tell him then u go for a walk or something on your own to let him think about what u just told him and letit sink in it might take a while and it might be at bit strange at first but trust me it will get better i promise. and u never know u 2 might end up together lol well good luck with this i hope that it all goes well for u.
good luck
lboy
xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): I am in a very similar situation myself, except I am openly gay. I'm 19 now and I have been in love with my straight best mate for the last three years. I told him about three years ago that I was gay, and he was absolutely fine with it. You will probably find when you do start telling people that a lot of them aren't surprised, and, particularly for the people you're closest to, it won't change a thing.When I told my best mate I was gay, he just pretty much brushed it off as if it didn't matter at all. We are best mates, it didn't change that. A few months later, I told him I was in love with him, and, though a little surprised at first, he was completely OK with that as well because we're such good mates. We even share the same bed when we stay over at each other's houses after a night out, because he's comfortable enough with me to do that.From what you've said, it sounds like you're in a similar situation, and if this guy is as good a friend as you make out, then I doubt he will react badly to it at all. It may take a while to adjust to, so I would advise telling him before you move into a house with him, but if he's a decent guy like you make out, he will accept you as you are, and it shouldn't change anything between the two of you. Hope it works out well for you.
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A
female
reader, Artemesian  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation... from what you have said it really sounds like you have two options - to continue on as it is (which doesn't sound like much of one based on how you feel) or to come out and tell him that you are gay - that you really value him for just his friendship but that you are also developing feelings for him. I really can't imagine how difficult this could be for you (though hopefully seeing you are best mates with him it seems unlikely that he would be upset by you coming out to him, as for you to feel this way about him he must be a special guy). It is likely he will be shocked of course and I'd try not to feel hurt by this if he is... but really what this all comes down to is if he really values you as a friend as you do him - then he will still want to be your friend whatever your orientation is. As to him liking you back - you haven't said much except that he has a girlfriend. Who knows what might happen but it really sounds like you just need to get it off your chest and then deal with it as friends - as a good friend to you he won't brush you off, and as a good friend to him you shouldn't try and push him into anything (not that it sounds like you would). This is a sensitive issue and I truly wish you the best with it and hope that whatever words of advice you get on here help : )
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