A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Long story short. My boyfriend of 6 years was having an affair earlier with a married woman about 3 years ago. It lasted on and off for about one year so I was lead to believe. I don't think I was ever given the whole truth of the affair, but knew enough -which was devastatingly hard. Humiliation and betrayal is one of the most soul destroying challenges to heal from. After many fights, tears talking etc I decided to try work through things and give things a go even though this was huge,still no one is perfect. Long road to recovery and finally I found a place where I though I am finally over the worst, as in affair recovery. Boundaries in place and understood and truthful transparency from then on. Till today, I don't know why, bit like an out of body experience really, but I asked " when was the last time you saw so and so?" and he floored me with his response, that he saw her from a far at work, he works in a shopping centre and she just up the road, a few months ago and they engaged in a brief conversation as a result in him acknowledging her presence and waving to her. on two separate occasions. WTF? why he wasn't obliged to do so in any way, it was a choice. I totally lost it, brought back a flood of hurt and now I cant get it out of my head. Feels the same way it did when I first found about about her and him years ago. He said there was nothing in it- so why do it? I asked if he would have acknowledged her there if I was standing there with him at the time and of course he said no. So to me, that means he knew it was wrong. Just because I wasn't there doesn't make ok. I wasn't there while they were F'in each other either. Man Im so f'in pissed right now I just want to run out the door and not come back. Seriously the very site of him makes me want to scratch his eyes out. Have I over reacted? Please be honest as I appreciate another perspective. Thank you in advance for reading.
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affair, at work, engaged, married woman, mistress Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2016):
 I agree with WiseOwlE - please read and then re-read his advice - it's pure gold!
Your BF is testing his and YOUR limits. He also don't think he did ANYTHING wrong then, nor now. Which is why he is trivializing it to such an extend.
Sure he is being honest and open about it, but I think that is because he is EXPECTING that you will eventually forgive and let it go... You did before.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): No, you made the mistake of taking him back after you knew he was having an affair with a married woman. That in itself says he has no credibility and capable of cheating.
You talk about all you went through with the humiliation and the trauma from the discovery; yet you took him back. The wise thing to have done was to let him go, and not look back. He's bringing nothing to your life but suspicion, drama, and distrust.
Your awareness of his lengthy affair keeps you paranoid; you'll never really trust him. You are putting yourself through hell, and placing all the blame on him. We all have to live with our choices. Bad investments yield no dividends. He was a bad investment of your feelings. Now you're pissed?! It's a small world, did your expect her to disappear off the face of the earth?
Can the drama. Kick him out, and rebuild yourself in preparation for someone better. Your fury is due to the fact you never really recovered from his betrayal and your forgiveness was just an act; because you couldn't give him up. You were afraid he would just continue his affair. Well, I don't think seeing her in the distance is the whole story. The fact you wrote your post to DC tells me you don't believe it is either. That's why you're so angry.
Do what you should have done as soon as you learned of the affair. Kick his ass to the curb; so you can stop punishing him for your own mistake in trying to keep him. If you can't trust him, what's the point?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Overreacted? HELL NO...
But you sure blew the long road to recovery, boundaries in place, truthful transparency out of the water! Fact is you’re not healed in any shape or form, and you never will be if you don’t run out that door!
If I had a boyfriend who cheated on me for about "one year" I too would have been devastated. Yet this is where you and I differ. You talk about scratching his eyes out. Had I a cheater he would have needed to sleep with one eye open once I found out. Plus there would be no negotiating to come back.
In contrast, you chose the path of “many fights, tears talking etc. Decided to try work through things and give things a go”. That to me spells a recipe for; more humiliation and betrayal NOT happily ever afters. Now you’re back to square one, feeling the same way it did when you first found about her, when you should be really pissed at yourself for letting him back in.
This is not living life as it’s meant to be lived; it would be wise to focus your energy on your self-esteem issues as your radar for a decent worth man is seriously faulty. You’ve spent and wasted enough time trying to recover from this chaos… I would think you’d want a good night sleep instead of all this dreadful behaviour?
Take Care – CAA
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