A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past few months, I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of 6 years. The long distance is supposed to last another 5 months. I'm planning to visit her next week for a few days on my way to a conference, and then again two weeks later for the rest of December. I've been really looking forward to it. But today, she phoned me and said that when I get there we need to talk and that she PROBABLY is going to break up with me. Now I feel horrible. Now I have to fly half way around the world (and I do HAVE TO because of the conference) knowing that as soon as I get there I'm PROBABLY going to get dumped. In my mind, she wants the ease of doing it over the phone without the guilt of not doing it in person.Should I see her? Should I cling to the other side of PROBABLY and hope she changes her mind? Should I spend the next week trying to change her mind? If I do see her, should I stay with her (she has a bedroom to herself in student housing and said I could still stay with her "as a friend")? Should I get a hotel room for myself? She's a 4 hour bus ride out of my path to the conference. Should I book a hotel at the airport and make HER take the bus ride?And what about my Christmas holiday plans? All of my tickets are booked... no refunds. Do I go and sit by myself for 2 weeks in our hotel room? Do I stay home with my family and friends and let the plane ticket go to waste?I wouldn't say we're a perfect couple, but we've always got along well and been happy with each other. Since she left in september, I've felt more and more that I'm lucky to be with her. She has felt the opposite way which I guess is why she phoned me today...
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 December 2018):
 I agree, pack up her stuff (the clothes and smaller items) and then drop them off at a friends house (if they live near you) - I would waste the postage to mail it to her. You already wasted enough on this.
As for the present you bought her, return it if you can. If not, give it to a charity shop.
The shared items such as TV, keep them. If she shows up when she comes homes wanting 1/2 it's up to you to decide if you want to give her half or not, though... if she does, the money that you DIDN'T get back from your ticket, I'd ask for half of that. fair is fair.
It will take time to get over the break up and that is how it is. TAKE that time to reflect, self improve and move on. Don't isolate yourself. Maybe write down when things pop up that makes you sad or upset.
Chin up, it will get better.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 December 2018):
 Pack her stuff up and send it to her or ask one of her friends to collect it.
If she doesn’t ask for anything that you purchased together back then I’d keep it. Either return the Xmas gift and get your money back or give it to someone else. If there’s any photos or other memories around I’d suggest throwing them away. You’ll feel better after a clean out and be able to start properly afresh.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 December 2018):
 pack up her clothes, send a text asking what she wants done with them, donate to charity if she doesn't respond. Ask your mum if she knows anybody who would appreciate the Christmas gift, or sell it on your local buy and sell pages. As for the shared items such as the TV if she doesn't mention them after you contact her about her personal items I suggest you consider them collateral damage. If she does mention them, if you want to keep them offer her 50% current market (ie second hand shop) value. If you don't want them but she does ask her to pay you for your half and give her a deadline to have them removed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I told her she should come to me but she just ended it over the phone as Honeypie predicted. I spent the few days going to Christmas markets and trying my hardest to meet people rather than spend the whole time alone. I’m kind of a shy guy so this was a big personal challenge for me. I ended up going to pubs with strangers all 3 nights and generally had a good time considering the situation. I cancelled the holiday ticket and got the taxes back. I’m staying with my family for Christmas instead. I’ve generally been feeling pretty depressed but I’ve been trying to get out and do stuff. Ive blocked her on social media so I don’t have to know about what fun things she is doing instead of being on holiday with me...Something that’s been particularly bothering me is that I have a lot of her stuff at my home. Like her Christmas present, some of her clothes (including lingerie), and other stuff. What do I do with this stuff? Throw it away? Give it to charity? Get one of her friends to take it? I also have expensive things that we bought together like a TV, etc. Should I be giving her money for these things? just keep them? sell them? I doubt she would ever come demanding anything back but it’s all staring me in the face... I guess these are classic break up problems but I’ve never had a real breakup before so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2018):
I agree with Auntie BimBim,
Since you are going there for work/conference and you "think" she wants to break up LET HER make the busride of 4 hours to come see you to dump you... It's only fair.
My guess is she won't she will just end it over the phone, rather than having to do that.
As for the ALREADY book vacation, GO and TRY and enjoy it BY yourself. No one is MAKING you SIT for the duration in your hotel room. Go out and see the sights, do some shopping for people back home, if the hotel has a spa - TREAT YOURSELF!
OR you can talk to her, see if she knows anyone who can use the ticket (and pay for it, of course).
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (27 November 2018):
 Seriously? She phoned you to say that she’s probably going to break up with after you’ve spent time and money to see her? What a mind trip! And what a horrid way to treat someone! Good riddance to her then. I wouldn’t waste my time. Salvage the trip as much as you can and find a few ways to enjoy yourself. Let her know that if a break up is on her mind, she better get to it and stop wasting your time and effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): I would say to her that you don't relish the thought of a four hour bus journey to hear her decision. That you will be in 'such and such' a hotel and would love to see her and talk over whatever it is she wants to discuss. IF however, she already KNOWS that she wants the relationship to end, then to please let you know over the phone, as a long bus ride would be too upsetting if that's what she wants to tell you.
I understand that spending the holidays over the Christmas period which you have already booked would be difficult, but only you can decide whether you want to go ahead with it. Is there anyone you could spend the time with? Who would go on holiday with you over Christmas?
Sorry, but I can't imagine anyone saying to their girlfriend/boyfriend that they will PROBABLY be breaking up with them. I think she is trying to soften the blow. And even if she doesn't break up with you, would you feel ok about carrying on the relationship after being told that? I don't think I would.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 November 2018):
Yeah I wouldn’t be taking that bus journey if I was about to get dumped. I’d rather just do it over the phone and save my time and money. Not only are you feeling down about the situation already but adding an unneeded journey and it’s expenses to it definitely won’t help.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 November 2018):
Get a hotel room, you are already doing a lot of travelling, tell her your decision now so she has time to organise to travel to you …. if you are correct and she is going to end things it will be much better for you emotionally and mentally if she comes to you and does it in an "almost" neutral space.
How horrid if your suspicions are correct and she expects you to go the extra four hours to stay in her space just to be dumped.
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