A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Greetings everyone.I have been with my partner for 4 years. We recently got married.Over all I was happy with the way things were and I grew very accepting of the fact that my partner is just not as affectionate as I am or at least that he doesn't show it physically or verbally.I have brought it up to his attention and talking about it we came to the conclusion that it has a lot to do with our upbringing. My parents aunties and uncles have always been very affectionate, verbally and physically. they are very supportive of us all. So me and my siblings grow up to be that way.When I mention it to my husband he says he'll make and effort. Which usually lasts for a maximum of a week. Then he is right back to no hugging or kissing me or even encourage me in anyway verbally.I don't know if I am to clingy. I might be I don't know. But it is slowly being depleting my self-esteem and self confident. When I need emotional support I ring my parents or stay with them. Being at my parents makes me feel great, hopeful! Just the way that they'll give me an occasional cuddle passing by or a kiss on the forehead brings me comfort. Even know that I am an adult they continue to do that.My husband will be affectionate alright. When he is in the mood. Beside that he never cuddles me or spontaneously kisses me.I have just noticed how strongly I feel about this too. It never crossed my mind. I always thought I was ok with the way he is.I always joke about it and say it is just the way things are.But lately I found myself getting really down and I wanted to snuggle under him but he couldn't reciprocate, I hugged him but he didn't even wrap his arms around me and I just lay there feeling empty.My eyes welled up and I couldn't help it I cried. It really shocked him I never cry when I am upset I vent then I am over it. He usually listens joins in gives feedback etc. He doesn't use encouraging words like you'll be ok and I am here for you but he does listen.But this time i cried, I cried like I use to when i was a wee child, uncontrollable sobbing. I cried and he didn't know what to do. He asked me what was wrong but we have had this conversation so many times before I didn't feel like explaining it to him again.Now I am feeling like this relationship can't offer me what I am looking for and I am wasting my time, I been thinking he doesn't really love me but that he is just complacent to be in a relationship with someone he is sort of compatible with.As he is going away for a few weeks to visit his family up north I told him I will miss him ( I couldn't go so I told him to go ). This is the first time I won't be spending Christmas with him in 4 years. so I told him I'll miss him and so will my family. But he couldn't bring himself up to say spending time away from me during Christmas bothered him. it kept asking him, which of course made me feel even worse about myself. Having to ask my husband over and over again if he would even miss me. but all he said was, yeah it'll be weird not been here. with everyone.well that concludes it. I give up. Can't be emotionally chasing him any longer.Do you see any solution to this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): I forgot to mention that the "having to explain it all step by step" is what eventually made me leave my abusive, autistic partner, after 17 years. Along with his levels of anxiety, associated dyspraxia and ADHD, volatile and sometimes violent stance. But it was the years and years and years of having to explain why normal things had to be done and how to do them and why and feeling like I had to justify, over and over and over again, why I needed even minimal, normal levels of support with things (and then, if I was lucky, I would get a 'performed' support temporarily and then it was back to square one). Doctors etc. will simply turn a blind eye to the effects of this on you as partner, because if they had to provide full support for every 'carer' in this situation, it would cost billions - so the support simply isn't there and countless women suffer in silence, going through what you do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): I am the respondent who wrote in about possible autism.
I actually get angry that there is almost a total lack of information and support for people who have to live with others who have autism - any and all attention goes to the autistic person and the others involved are effectively told to "accept" the condition. To my mind, this is absolutely not fair. I know first hand the absolutely exhausting emotional and psychological staring - if not damage - it does to a person, trying to cope with autistic behaviour. Much more support needs to be given to the 'carer' in coping with it, because it can be very similar to coping with someone with mental illness and / or someone who is an 'adult child'.
If you end up having children with this man and he does have autism then you are potentially going to bring children into the same kind of feeling of neglect etc. that you are experiencing now. Also, there is a genetic link with autism and your children may end up having the same condition. This will put a huge strain on you. Autistic people generally find it extremely difficult to cope with change, so any change to their own behaviour and / or their own ways of coping with things will very likely fall on deaf ears. Even in an absolute crisis, they won't necessarily be able to 'step up to the plate' and defend you or protect you.
I'd very much urge you to follow up on the screening for autism. If only to put your mind at rest. However, don't expect much by way of support for you, it simply isn't there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Thank you very much for your feedback.I have tried to talk to him about it many many times in the past. I have often thought he might have autism. I have brought it up to his attention and he thought it might be a strong possibility. It has been hard finding a adult testing facility but I have found one he just hesitant to go.He often works secluded from peoppe in a lab and doesn't like jobs with much human interaction.There were signs. There have been signs.I just never thought on the psychological strain it puts on me as a person to be with someone who is so emotional withdrawed.(Follow the black rabbit) I have thought about couples therapy many times but I feel that when it comes to it he will become extreamly anxious and cancel last minute much like he did with the adult testing that I booked for autism.I came to the conclusion that asking him to be more emotionally understanding is like asking him to grow taller.I would love our relationship to break that last barrier but I don't think it ever will.As far as the Christmas trip. He thought I was upset that he will be away for Xmas, he decided to cancel the trip. I had to explain to him why I seemed upset that day and the day I tried to give him a bug but he never reciprocated aswell. I have to explain it all step by step. I know that there is absolute zero chance that hell ever be able to anticipate my needs but I did hope that as our relationship developed he would be able to pick up on some of the behavioure. Specially because I have pointed it out to him multiple times. There has been no progress at all. It is like a broken bond between us.In other instances he seems so self aware and capable it is hard for me to understand his lack of affection at times.I know he wants to have children one day. But I can't possibly see me going throught that with zero emotional support from him. Worst of all with me having to explain it all every step of the way.I do love him very very much. This is killing me. He is in fact a good person. This is partially why I have over looked his behavioure up until now. I belive he doesn't meant to be apathetic and cold. But it is hard to deal with none the less.And again thank you very much for the feedback. I have read all the answers multiple times currantly trying to figure out what is best for us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): I grew up without any physical affection, especially none at all from my mum. No emotional support from her either. She died years ago. Only recently, I realised she showed every classic sign of being on the autism spectrum.
To my distress, I also realised I had been drawn to parters (and also friends) on the autism spectrum. Something in my wiring made their behaviours familiar to me, so it didn't strike me as odd initially. My ex husband showed no affection at all, and completely lacked spontaneity of any kind. My ex partner (17 years) was initially very sexually affectionate, but this affection soon went, and I was pretty much in the situation you are in now.
I'm a single Mum and I made sure my daughter grew up with loads of hugs and kisses and affection.
I know it is a bit extreme, but it may be worth checking if your husband is on the autism spectrum, even if just to rule it out. People on this spectrum can - but not always - find it almost painful to show spontaneous affection or any affection at all. It doesn't sound like you are having other marital problems which would make him be cold towards you. On the other hand, it does sound like the only way he has been able to address this is in a typical autism way ie. through logic (referring back to family as 'evidence') and/or through making 'effort'. It shouldn't be any effort at all !
You can't go on living like this. I know what it feels like and it is awful - like dying a slow death. It can feel very cruel, and it doesn't help that the person has no empathy, really for how you feel. This is what struck me about your husband - he seems to lack empathy for your feelings and finds it difficult to see things from another (your) perspective. These are autism traits. Worth checking if only to rule it out but it may also be an eye opener. I know it may sound harsh but knowing what I do know, retrospectively, about men and the autism spectrum - and whilst I do have empathy for them - I would NEVER get into a relationship with one again. You can be extremely neglected and, at the same time, end up acting like their carer, with everyone sympathising with him and how difficult things must be for him, and no-one ever thinking about how hard it must be for you. There may well be other things he does that are signs of autism but which you just haven't 'clicked' about yet; honestly, it was not until both of my relationships were over and I - almost by accident - ended up researching autism, that everything fell into place and made sense. BUT you won't get any sympathy from doctors etc., all the sympathy goes to the 'sufferer'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): I once had a boyfriend that was like that. He didn't have any close friends, was often unable to look at me when conversing, seemed to lack empathy, had a hard time understanding how I felt -- just some of his traits that I didn't understand. Turned out he had Asperger's Syndrome which is a mild form of autism. Look up the symptoms for adult Asperger's Syndrome and see if any of them sound familiar to you.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (26 November 2018):
 I think counseling could possibly help. This is so sad. You’re a flower that needs to be watered with sprinkles of affection and encouragement and he’s the stingy cloud that cannot/ does not provide. I am concerned that after you cried so intensely from his lack of response to you, he STILL could not just hold you and persist on finding out what was the matter. I’m not very affectionate at times, but I learned to be because that physical affirmation of love is so crucial to a relationship. Did you know that babies who are not held lovingly are at a higher risk of dying? There’s a reason for it. Human beings need that closeness, I do not think you are being clingy. I don’t know enough to conclude whether or not your husband is selfish, has a personality disorder or has some deep-rooted issue that led to being incredibly distant. But I know enough to say that you don’t deserve this. To be so unhappy and lonesome with someone you love is horrible and you admit that it’s breaking you down. Explain it to him one more time, show him what you wrote if you’re unable to fully verbalize it. Suggest counseling. Something has to be done. Try one more time before giving up. I sense that you love him and if he truly loves you, he will also do his part. If not, then you’ll know to walk away. Wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): So you have been together four years, long enough to have known how he is, recently get married and now you expect him to suddenly change?
You know his reasons, you also admit he tries to make the effort. But he isn't romantic, he isn't go to say the sweet soppy things you want to hear and guess what he isn't a mind reader either, how is he to know exactly what you want to hear regarding Christmas and hey what if he is okay with it because he wants to see his family, is that really so bad??
Men don't always get it, my partner doesn't always hug me enough or say the right things so if you want a hug ask him, if you want to know how he feels ask him, ask him if he loves you, ask him if he will miss you, some men respond to direct questions or requests better than second guessing what they are supposed to say and do!
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