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female
age
51-59,
*ardencal
writes: In January of this year, I broke up with my fiancee because he was cheating on me. He emailed me recently and said that he wanted to talk to me because he was sorry for what he did to me and he understood the pain I went through because of his selfishness. He told me that after we broke up, he was dating 2 women at the same time, (again), and one of the women found out and tasered him 3 times, bit him twice-hard enough to draw blood, and she tried to kill him by running over him with her car. He survived but was badly bruised. He had to put out a restraining order on the woman because she threatened to finish him off on his job. He said that the police officers laughed at him when he was making the report and told him that was what he gets for trying to be a "player" and referred him to a battered woman's shelter for help. I have been seeing him daily for about two weeks since the incident happened and he said that he just wants to be friends because he is not in any position to be in a romantic relationship, (which I agree 100%). He has asked to sleep at my house almost every night (something he never did when we dated), he then gave me a key to his sports car that he recently purchased, a key to his personal storage unit which contains most of his most prized and personal possessions, he calls me throughout the day to let me know his whereabouts - although I don't ask him and he has shown me copies of his credit reports, birth certificate, and other very personal important documents. I asked him why was he doing all of this and he told me that he wanted to prove that he is a changed person and that he has nothing to hide from me and that he trusts me with everything he owns. Here's my question...Can people really change that fast? Although I am flattered that it appears he is going out of his way to gain my trust again, there's still a part of me that thinks that he is going to revert back to his cheating, lying ways again and I don't want to be hurt again. In spite of what he told me about us just being friends, we cuddle on the couch like a regular couple, in fact, we now share an intimacy as friends, that was completely lacking when we were dating. Also, based on his actions, do you think that the reason that he is working so hard to regain my trust is that he eventually wants to resume a romantic relationship with me in the very near future?
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female
reader, cardencal +, writes (24 March 2007):
cardencal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo further prove to me that he is a "changed man", he enlisted into the National Guard Reserves today. He said that he did this in order to 1. Use the extra money to pay off all his outstanding debts and to build up a savings account,(his credit is horrible and he filed for bankruptcy a few years ago) and 2. To build his character.
Although I think that it may still be too soon to tell if this change is going to be long term, he seems to be saying AND doing all the right things that would be indicative of someone who has finally seen the errors of his ways and is trying to make amends. I just hope that I am "reading" him right and that he does care for me more than just "a friend". I guess I will just have to bide my time, keep quiet, and continue to support him until he makes the first move.
A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (24 March 2007):
 I think that he really regrets cheating on you, and knows that he really lost a good thing! And he probably knows how dangerous it is by what has happened to him while you two were split up, almost losing his life over it!!!! He learned his lesson the hard way!!
Just give him time to re-coup from his horrible "nightmare"
by being a friend. You said that you now share intimacy as friends....more than when you were dating. That is a much better start. Then when you get back to the committed relationship that intamacy will still be there.
By what has taken place and he paid the price for, he may never cheat again! Just take one day at a time!! Good Luck to you both!!
Hugs!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): Hi, it sounds like this guy really wants to prove himself to you and earn your trust back. You obviously want to give him another chance too, and he clearly wants to be in a relationship with you. Who knows if he will cheat again, but if you feel you want to give him another chance then I would just suggest all you can do is to things slowly and carefully and not really pay too much attention to him displaying his personal items to you but rather look for consistancy in his words and actions. There are those that say "once a cheater always a cheater" but I don't really think comments like that are very helpful. Everyone makes mistakes and if you want to give him another chance then go for it. I don't think you are taking any more of a risk than dating someone new, in fact I think your history may make you stronger as a couple. All the best with whatever you decide to do :)
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (24 March 2007):
 From personal experiences, a cheater cannot change that quickly. He may have had a very bad fright (one which he was seriously needing) but I do not believe he is a changed man. I do believe though, that he is doing all of this to get back into a relationship with you, and perhaps not at this very moment, but he will later revert back to his old cheating ways.
Trust me when I say, if they have a woman on the side, even checking bank statements, visa statements, pockets etc wont necessarily give you evidence. I went out with a guy for 4 years, there was no evidence at all of him cheating but it later transpired that he was when I caught him in bed with another woman.
We parted and a year later decided to try again. He was still cheating, even after our little ending and me giving him something to "remember me by". He learnt his lesson for a short while, but soon reverted to his old ways.
I'd love to say that he has changed, but I am sorry to say I doubt it!
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