A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I found out I'm pregnant and it's unplanned. My fiancé is happy. I tried to go to counseling to a major clinic. All their contacts were on holiday, except one, who had the audacity to charge me $300 to tell me he couldn't help me! Should I complain? This was quite ridiculious as I live in a major city. I'm now too far gone to do anything else but have it. I also feel Angry at my fiancé for giving in to his controlling, Christian mother. His parents only found put because of my severe morning sickness. I wanted it to be my choice, not hers. She's not the one having this baby.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 No no, please don't keep the baby just to keep the guy around.
It would be very unfair ti the poor creature giving a mom... who does not really want to be a mom and he's only using her baby has a way to secure herself a boufriend. Plus, you and the boyfriend could split up anyway for whtever other reason... and you'd find yourself also without the boyfriend... but stick with a chikd you never wanted to begin with,
A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (1 October 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. The only thing is I'd prefer not to have this relationship end
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 Following your update, I can understand why your fiancé is so happy about this baby (and his parents too for that matter).
Unless you know you NEVER want children I would look at this baby as a very special gift.
If you don't want the child then there is adoption but I think you'll find this decision will likely be end of your relationship and that your fiancé would rather raise his child with the help of his parents.
Point to note, your boyfriend was told that it was "unlikely" he would father a child. He was not told you will "never" father a child. This indicates that there is always a chance, no matter how small, that you could have got pregnant so you both should have been taking precautions against unwanted pregnancy not left it assuming it didn't matter.
There is no point now apportioning blame and trying to decide who's at fault here. All you can do now is play the hand you've been dealt.
This could be your only chance to have a baby with the guy you love, you have the support of all your parents, a man who loves you and a secure future.
I hope things work out.
AB x
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I didn't realize it is 6 pages, it comes up as one continuous page on my phone. You ask what happened. My fiancé had surgery years ago and was told it was highly unlikely he would ever have kids. So I didn't expect to find myself in this situation.I'm almost 30 weeks so obviously can't go the abortion route. Yes my fiancé earns money. I thought my parents would disown me, but that hasn't happened. I don't get money from parents or live with them.I did take a pregnancy test and it was a false negative. They aren't 100% accurate. Then my fiancé later took me to the doctors because I wasn't getting better. As I said he was told his chance of ever having children was slim. Why did I wait so long? The symptoms didn't show for some time.Yeah I don't expect a counsellor to tell me what to do. But for $300 I expect a lot more than "I can't help you".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 September 2013):
Yes, OP, you have 6 pages of submittals here on Dear Cupid- 63 questions total- that's easy to check. Not that you aren't entitled , or not welcome, to post as much you want,- but, facts are facts.
I think what the anon may imply is that no advice will be of any utility to you if you are not prepared , if not to follow it, at least to take it into consideration ?
You posted on March 13 th telling us that your bf was pressuring you to have a baby for which you weren't ready at all, and he was insisting for not using protection. The general response was , obviously, a baby must be wanted by TWO people, if you don't want to have a baby, DON'T have a baby and do use protection. Then... what happened ?
Anyway, what's done is done, - and you still have options.
How far along are you in your pregnancy ? What are the abortion laws in your country ? In some places you cannot terminate a pregnancy after 13 weeks, in others the limits is much later, or, there's no limit when the pregnancy is a threat to your mental health.
If you can't , or won't, terminate the pregnancy, there's always adoption.
Or, you can cross your fingers and keep the baby as tons of couples do, and , although I am both pro choice and adamantly in favour of PLANNING pregnancies , ... I must admit that often that's a good solution too, at the end of the day most of the times it turns out that having a baby is still a great joy and a blessing even if it was conceived by mistake by a very hesitant,unenthusiastic mom.
The thing is, it does not really matter what we say or your MIL says , or the counselor says, it's you that have to make up your mind according to your wants and needs and personal circumstances.
For instance, if you are a full time student , - will your bf's income will be enough to support himself and you AND the baby ?... Having children COSTS, who's going to pay ?
You also posted a lot about your parents being very conservative, very against having children out of wedlock , and very concerned you might end up ... in the situation in which you actually are . YOU say that they would disown you.
Which, generally, is not a good reason enough not to have a baby, this ìs your life , not your parents'- BUT, it always depends. Do you still receive financial support from them ? Do you still live in their home ? Would you need any kind of support from them ( money, babysitting, or just emotional and psychological support ) for raising this kid ?
And, what happens with the guy ? Is he going to stay around for sure , to be there for the long haul - how did he show that ? ( other than by getting you pregnant before you were fully convinced ?) And, in case he's NOT going to be there for you, what do you do, will you able , financially and otherwise, to raise this child ?..
The gist of all this is, YOU have to decide what you really want , or, at least , what would best work for you.
You, not your bf or your Mil or Dear Cupid.
You need to learn to have a proactive role in your life, to take an active interest in anything that concerns you, not just be a passive , go-with-the-flow spectator of your own life .
An example ? ...You found out about beong pregnant only at 13 months because of a false negative. Oh come on - false negatives do happen ( rarely ! ) but,... you have no periods... you have severe morning sickness , throw up every day... and you don't repeat the test ?! you don't go to your OB/GYN for further,deeper investigations about your conditions ? ... At least, to your GP to exclude that your morning sickness ( which is not normal in a healthy not pregnant young woman ) means you have some possibly fatal disease ? Morning sickness shows up at around 6 weeks - and you kept having morning sickness for 7 weeks thinking: the text said negative, so all must be well ? .... Hard to believe, and if this is how it went, you really need to take a less passive approach to your general business.
That refers to the counselor issue too. Yes it must be very frustrating to have to spend 300 dollars for NOT receiving the advice that you hoped for, but, as other posters have said, ultimately the counselor can't make your mind up for you or get you out of troubles, he can only illustrate in details all the possible options.
If you feel you have received poor quality assistence, yes, you can complain, why not- but, maybe you should focus your energy instead on what really counts, i.e. what options are still available to you, and / or how you are going to organize this baby's future if you decide to keep it.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Agony aunts
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I didn't find out until about 13 weeks, thanks to a false negative.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually I'm a full time student and I don't have "6 pages". Get your facts right before insulting someone!
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon if you're going to insult someone, why don't you use your real name troll? What do you do for a living? I'm a full time student and don't have time to troll the Internet all day like you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): meccamega: 6 PAGES of submittals on here (63 total).... as exposed by our anonymous friend.....
My question: WHAT do you do, all day??? Sex with one or another "boyfriend".... then come on this site and post questions?????????
I suggest that I and all the Aunts and Uncles simply ignore this and all your future postings....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): Looking through your history of posts, you seem to have asked a lot of questions about pregnancy out of wedlock, and your boyfriend pressuring you into marriage, and trying to get you pregnant, so I can't help but ask how this happened. What birth control were you on when you got pregnant? Accidents do happen, but if you use birth control correctly then they very rarely happen. If you don't want to be pregnant and you know your partner wants you to be pregnant, then you'd be extremely vigilant. You also said in a previous post that you had received counselling for a month but hadn't found it helpful. This was at 14 weeks, so assuming you started counselling at 10 weeks, you would have had time to make other decisions. From your post, it seemed like you wanted other people to tell you what to do. That's not what a family planning counsellor does. They give you information and help you cope with maki ng a life-changing decision. They don't make it for you. Therefore I don't think that complaining would do you much good. Stop thinking about who has done you wrong in the past and start focusing on what's to come.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (7 September 2013):
If you've paid for a service and did not receive that service then you should complain.
Was he really unable to help you? Counsellors are not supposed to tell us what to do, they are supposed to let us know what options are available, and then support us while we explore those options to make an informed choice.
If he didn't do this then you should certainly complain.
Put your complaint in writing and make sure it's concise and to the point. Try and avoid putting to much emotion in it and stick to the facts.
This is a horrible situation for you. You have found yourself in a situation you don't want to be in and it must feel that you have no-one on your side.
I think you're right, this has nothing to do with your fiancés mother. This is between your fiancé and yourself.
I also understand your anger. You feel you have been denied the opportunity to make a choice about your body, your life and your future.
You still have choices to make sweetheart, and you need to explore them. Don't waste time worrying about what has been and, for now, focus on what you can control.
There are other avenues you can explore. You do not have to be trapped in this situation. You can take control of it and tailor it to suit you better.
For eg. If you don't want to put your career on hold to raise a child, then don't. Let your fiancé take the responsibility for the childcare whilst you pursue your career. Let your future Mother-in-law step in and help out more (if you can bear that).
Life won't be the same but please don't think it's all negative. It can be an amazing and wonderful time and you're lucky that you have a supportive partner and family.
Maybe it will help to focus on the positives. You might be surprised when your son/daughter arrives, you may fall head over heels in love with them and decide this is the most fabulous and empowering thing you've ever done.
Please, please however, do tell your midwife about this difficult situation because feeling as you do right now can increase your risk for post natal depression and affect maternal/child bonding.
You're feeling frustrated and that everything is happening too you rather than by you. Take control where you can.
I hope this helps AB x
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